Top 5 WILFs
A WILF is a ‘writer I’d like to fuck,’ our new enterprise conceived by contributor pr. Since I really like the idea of hypothetical fucking, I cannot contain myself and have posted a top 5 list:
1. VIRGINIA WOOLF
That Virginia Woolf was a lesbian may explain the impractical choices in women I still have which sustained my virginity to an embarrassing point which shall not be disclosed at this juncture. That she has been dead for seventy-some years does not implicate any penchant for necrophilia — for I don’t literally want to ‘fuck’ Virginia Woolf at this point in her decomposition — I simply would have wanted to, had I been more of a man in England at the break of the twentieth century; she at the ripe age of eighteen.
2. PAUL AUSTER
That Paul Auster is a man may explain the impractical choices in women which let to the aforementioned exasperated virginity. I’m straight, but fuck that guy is gorgeous. When I think of his New York Trilogy, I think of his dong and ballsack. I went to his reading once and every woman almost had an orgasm when he spoke. I quivered a little myself, though it was probably just gas from my burrito.
I like Haruki Murakami a lot
First off, I do think Murakami is over-rated, but that doesn’t mean he’s not good. I only like two of his books, but I like them immensely: Wind-up bird Chronicle and Kafka on the Shore. His ideas are sometimes corny, but overall I think he’s onto something.
His other books, especially the ones like Norwegian Wood where he goes on about Jazz and girls, I think is stupid—like he’s trying to be F. Scott Fitzgerald, sentimental or even self-satisfied about his lifestyle.
I much more like it when Murakami tries to be Pynchon or Borges. I say ‘tries to be’ because I think Murakami is not original, but he takes existing ideas or methods about/in fiction and his mark is his ability to make it seem like he invented the style. At the same time, he’s not trying to be post-modern the way Delillo tries, or Barth tried. His style is re-appropriation and the audacity to not be ironic about it. He’s an ‘earnest original fraud,’ and I like him a lot.
WUBC starts off with a guy making spaghetti and listening to the radio when the phone rings. I’ve read that part over many, many times and I don’t understand how he did it, but that scene is just as grotesque as Gregor Samsa waking up as a bug. It’s like there’s something ‘wrong’ with the scene. Murakami’s genius is his ability to evoke feelings that are completely uncorrelated with the actual printed words. His novels ‘happen’ outside the words.
KOTS uses alternating chapters to describe two narratives, which is gimmicky I know, but he handles it very well. Near the middle of the book I said, “wait a minute — this is the same story, merely synopated,” that the odd chapters somehow melded into the chasms introduced in the even chapters. It was like entropy: a closed system with two parts, each of which began permeating into the other. I’m usually skeptical about the device of ‘dreams’ in fiction, but KOTS was itself a dream — like the logic was not rational yet made sense, the way we accept random images in our dreams. It lacks Gaddis’s intricacy, but is yet is formally resolved. Murakami, at his best, transcends the formal constraints of time, lineage, narrative, character, etc. His books are dreams that make sense, while not relying on ‘dreams’ to resolve the formal disparities. I can’t describe how he does it, it’s just Murakami.
Whenever I want to be confused and feel like there are Japanese people everywhere, I either go to Japantown or read Murakami. I like him a lot.
Friends: In Which People Who Don’t Know Eachother Try to Get Along
Perennial provocateur and imminent instigator P.H. Madore, has written A Wordless Threat of Kung Fu Reprisal, featuring Htmlgiant contributors and other likely lit world suspects.
An exceprt:
Ken Baumann struck the bartender called J. K. very hard with a dead fish he’d had wrapped in recycled chapbooks specifically for such an occasion. The bartender dropped the champagne bottle. Jackie Corley shrieked and said, “Fuck this, I’m getting back to work!” Nick Antosca smiled. Ken Baumann said, “No posit, no colony, motherfuckers!”
Mmm…I wonder if J.K. stands for ‘just kidding.’
Personally, I welcome such satirical takes on me, and hope — god I hope — others feel the same about them.
P.H. Madore is off to Iraq soon, so be nice. Gawd bless you Madore, and Amerika.
I like Howards End a lot
I wouldn’t say “I like E.M. Forster a lot” because I was not thrilled by his other books, it’s just that Howards End was really good.
I usually have trouble with English novels because the whole ‘class’ thing is so beyond/behind me. Everybody says Evelyn Waugh is great, but I tried his books a number of times, and gave up mid-way. It’s clever, but not haha funny. I can’t comment on Henry James because it’s too dense for me. I have a feeling it’s really good, but I just don’t get it. But Howard’s End was so surprisingly ‘modern’; I felt throughout the entire book, ‘wow, this is really good and exciting.’
More after the break…(I hope I’m doing it right, first time…)
Yankee Pot Roast: Guest Editors
Fortunato Salazar, who is 19 and really funny, solicited the editors of Yankee Pot Roast asking if he and I (he volunteered my name) could guest edit YPR during their usual holiday down-time; basically run it. And run it we will, hopefully not into the ground. Fortunato is taking the reigns, though I will also be involved.
So this is a call for submissions, w/ the knowledge of recent editorial usurpation until January. Now is the time to submit — for indiscretion shall be rampant!
For those who don’t know, YPR is one of the oldest humor-satire type journals, back when the internet was this new crazy odd beautiful thing. It’s wonderfully designed, and the content always delivers. Here’s what I’ll be looking for: literary pop-satire, like a journal entry from Hemingway’s Mojito; Kafka’s guest appearance on The Office; or a transcript of e.e. cummings and Georges Perec on Wheel of Fortune — you know, pretentious brainy stuff that won’t get you laid.
We’ll be looking in their queue, but for good measure send to BOTH of us:
fortunatosalazar@gmail.com
jimmy.chen@ucsf.edu (My work email, so my supervisor thinks I’m doing work while reading your awesome submissions.)
Salazar and I will figure out the details, but basically, if you get rejected, it’s him. If you get accepted, it’s me. Toss my salad and I’ll supply the ranch (see that’s just gross, but that’s my taste — fuck, another pun!)
Thank you editors Josh Abraham & Geoff Wolinetz for such trust, graciousness, and possible negligence. Enjoy the holidays, and we’ll see you when you get subpoenaed.
(Oh, and if I’m on the HTMLGIANT down-low, you know what I’m doing.)
December 8th, 2008 / 9:40 pm
PRESS RELEASE: “—– — —-” by Soffi Stiassni
Our own Soffi Stiassni will be rewriting Tao Lin’s Eeeee Eee Eeee using Georges Perec’s sans ‘e’ method derived in A Void.
If you think Perec’s attempt impossible (as I did), here’s an excerpt:
Noon rings out. A wasp, making an ominous sound, a sound akin to a klaxon or a tocsin, flits about. Augustus, who has had a bad night, sits up blinking and purblind. Oh what was that word (is his thought) that ran through my brain all night, that idiotic word that, hard as I’d try to pun it down, was always just an inch or two out of my grasp – fowl or foul or Vow or Voyal? – a word which, by association, brought into play an incongruous mass and magma of nouns, idioms, slogans and sayings, a confusing, amorphous outpouring which I sought in vain to control or turn off but which wound around my mind a whirlwind of a cord […]
What is perhaps more remarkable is Gibert Adair’s English translation, just excepted, of Perec’s French La Disparition. I simply don’t know how Adair was able to translate that.
I look forward to Stoffi’s rewrite of —– — —-. I can see it already:
Andrw drivs back to Domino’s.
“Matt,” h says. “Thr’s a dolphin in the backsat. Can I go hom?”
“Lt m put ths pppronis on,” Matt says. “Thn I’ll cash you out.”
Aftr bing paid sixty-cnts gas mony for ach dlivry Andrw has fourtn dollars.
“Give half to th dolphin,” Matt says.
Which reminds me of artist Brendan Lott’s sans ‘a’ The Scrlet Letter. I think I’m gonna rewrite Stephen Dixon’s I. without the ‘i.’ I challenge someone to do The Castle without the ‘K.’
This is either high-brow Wheel of Fortune, or lowbrow Jeopardy! I can’t figure it out.
I like William Gaddis alot
I’m going to write about books and authors I like, but it won’t be ‘indie-lit,’ because I actually can’t keep up with everything, but I want to write about writing, so I am relying on books/authors I’ve read in the past. Hopefully, this will start a dialog and other contributors will also write posts in similar fashion. The goal is to get people reading what they might not have otherwise. I’m calling this series, “I like [blank] alot.” I encourage everyone to do this.
My first installment will be about William Gaddis. He’s not necessarily my ‘favorite’ writer, because taste is a malleable thing, but I think he’s ‘blown my mind’ the most in everything I’ve read in my life.
These posts will also provide context, like an intro or something. William Gaddis is most commonly grouped with Pynchon, but it’s a one-dimensional association. Gaddis himself said he didn’t like or understand Pynchon. Gaddis can be seen to have bridged Faulkner’s modernist tendencies (e.g. fragmented objectivity) and Pynchon’s post-modernism (he also chronologically fits the bill, writing exactly between the two). Gaddis is also sorta like the american Kafka; the former had an office job at a lawfirm his entire life. Somewhat cliché, but Gaddis hated the lit world back then, and only admitted to liking T.S. Eliot.
In JR, his second book (which in my mind did something no other book as done, which I’ll get into later), he incorporated the vernacular of american bureaucracy so accurately that 50% of the book is [sic]. He has been said to have made notes quoting his co-workers and adding it into his book.
I think JR won the National Book Award, but Gaddis is still ‘under-rated’ in the sense that only sorta crazy people read him. And the award was given ambivalently, like Gravity’s Rainbow, by a committee whom some of which didn’t actually read the book. Gaddis only wrote 4 books, and his last two were inconsequential knock-offs of his first two.
The Recognitions, his first book, also ‘blew my mind,’ and this is how: Gaddis exploited the reader’s tendency to forget things, or the nonchalant faith that the author’s best interest was to ‘take care’ of the reader. He was aware of how ‘fictional reality’ is rendered in the reader’s mind, and purposely fucked with it. Jonathan Franzen, and the contemporary social-realists, don’t like that shit (and I can understand why), but if you like to be fucked with, Gaddis is your man.
Here are some examples of his method:
In The Recognitions, the characters names slowly become interchangeable. Gaddis purposely introduces other characters with almost identical names (Esme, Elise, Elsy, Elly, Elyse, etc.) to confuse the reader. But there is a surreal component to this: the story is about pastiche and the death of ‘the original,’ (a big deal back then, think Warhol) and so the characters ‘caricaturize’ themselves as being copies of one another. Gaddis also does a lot of funny things, like halfway thru the book, the main character disappears and is never mentioned again. The subordinate characters go on and struggle for position as the main character. The book is about a painter who makes more money forging painting than painting his own, though that’s a really shallow description of the book. It’s really about the capacity of ‘character’ in a novel, and the artifice of its rendering. It’s also a haunting love story.
JR is 700 pages of uncited dialog (no “said John,” “replied Lisa,” etc.) The reader basically has to ‘dive in’ and, like some archeologist, retro-actively create a logical world using a paltry set of clues. The more the reader investigates, the more he/she discovers how intricate the novel was written, and how Gaddis leaves not only the right clues, but at the right time. So the ‘writing’ is not actually on the paper, it’s 80% in the reader’s mind. And, yes, he majorly fucks with you: there’s a scene where person A and person B are talking, and person A interrupts and says, “Oh, person C!” followed by descriptions which lead the reader to believe person C rang the door bell—and the reader bases the next 50pgs on that premise. 150 pages later, the reader realizes that person C came down the stairwell when person A says “Oh, person C,” and the person at the door was actually person D, which inverts the entire preceding narrative. Gaddis said he got the idea from T.S. Eliot’s play “The Cocktail Party,” in which a lot of the actor’s dialog takes place off-stage.
He also exploits the inherent fragmented perception that comes from reading fiction, how ‘truth’ (even fictional truth) is impossible. There’s a scene where a man looks in a rearview mirror from a taxi and sees a bouquet of flowers bouncing. It’s described in such a lyrical and memorable way, that it’s embedded in the reader’s memory like some archived signifier, some mental database which glue timelines together. Then some 200 pages later, another character in the book (in the context of the day the taxi ride took place) sees a penny on the ground and attempts numerous times to bend down and pick it up. And he’s holding a bouquet of flowers. These are just one of a myriad of moments when I was like, “holy fuck.”
This post is getting too long. I’ll finish quickly: If you want to be utterly mind fucked for a month straight, and carry the reading experience in your bone marrow forever, read The Recognitions or JR, just get a pen and pad of paper to take down notes. Flow charts and diagrams won’t hurt too.
I will not comment on this post
I promised myself I would not inflate this ridiculous situation, but Jereme’s comment really pissed me off. (Fuck off Jereme.) He is suggesting that I’m remaining reticent out of ‘publishing diplomacy,’ being that I have 4 pieces in TJ, and have established ‘friendship’ with Mark Baumer. And obviously, I’m friends with Blake and Justin and the rest of Htmlgiant. I’m not being a coward dickshit, I’m being (trying) civilized.
I will admit, I was put in a strange situation because a) I didn’t provoke this situation, b) mutual overlap of ‘interest’ cited above. Matt and Blake provoked this situation, and Justin and the loyal commenters inflamed it.
This is what I think:
Matt did two shitty things: 1) Out of nowhere he posts a passive aggresive comment basically calling Blake Butler untalented and suggesting that out of pettiness did not link TJ. 2) The shittiest thing, the shittiest thing of all, was he deleted Blake’s story, which is just tacky and small, and kind of stupid.
Blake did one shitty thing: Instead of just fucking linking TJ, he tried to publicly humiliate Matt with the ‘how to get linked post.’ This just inflamed the situation, to which Matt over-reacted by deleting Blake’s story.
Justin’s post about ‘unpublishing’ I actually really liked. It really made sense. When you delete a story due to personal matters, you implicate editorialship as being what it’s often accused of being: a favor-nepotist bank of who you like and who you don’t. The problem with Justin is he’s really smart, and his post seemed like an objective argument (which it ‘objectively’ was), but really Justin–weren’t you just backin’ up your buddy Blake? Isn’t it obvious everyone is/was on Blake’s side?
Mark’s email to Justin was not neccessary, and it was also not neccessary for Justin to post Mark’s email.
As for the comments–I get sad when I read them, because it’s so self-absorbed. It’s basically the same 6 people going on and on about nothing. Somebody attacks king Butler, and the troops go out for the kill. PH Madore, Matt, and Mark never had a fucking chance with all you fucking clever people.
And who wins? Christ, who cares. Everybody has acted like a little bitch. People are starting to shit-talk Htmlgiant, the same way they shit-talk gawker, McSwnys, N+1, or any solipsist ‘in-crowd’ that self propogates its own ingrown rhetoric. You know, I bet you for every comment that is left, there are 30 that aren’t–just people who stumbled upon the madness. And those people think: “Christ, what a bunch of self-absorbed assholes.” I really think they think that.
So, um, Matt: I like my 4 peices in TJ, and I try to always send you my ‘better’ shit. If you delete my stories, that’s okay. The internet is not real and I have a day-job.
Blake: I like being a contributing writer here, but if my sentiments are viewed as dissent, fire me.
Justin and Mark: Hi, thanks for playing.
Fuck you Jereme. Htmlgiant has become too important in your life. Your rhetoric is transparent, I know you just want attention.
pr, barry & co.: go outside, turn off your computer and just go outside and the sky is blue and there was a cloud or something and I will destroy this relationship today.
Tao always wins.
Jesus Christ you people, you forced me to write this.
My Life as a Blog
Tuesday December 2, 2008
I don’t know, does this pale green background make my ass look fat? I got 60+ hives on both legs yesterday. People on the ‘internet’ call the hives ‘comments.’ Every time the kids have a temper tantrum in public, I get a major allergic reaction.
People on the street always stare whenever I bring the kids into town for ice cream. Blake and Sam always get scatological with the fudge, and it’s not pretty. And Kendra likes to flash the boys, while Catherine and Soffi watch in awe. “Mommy when will I get a rack like that?” Catherine asks. “Iraq is none of our concern dear,” I say.
Gene and I are arguing again. Ever since Matthew, we’ve been growing more distant. Gene says he’s tired of biblical names. I tell him Michael, Joshua, and Matthew are my favorite sons. Jimmy, the one we adopted from China, is tearing this family apart (he’s a panty sniffer, according to Kendra, Catherine, Soffi, and my mother).
I wonder if Shane and Justin are gay (not that there’s any problem with that, even as a Christian). Shane simply looks too good in a V-neck shirt to be straight (besides, all his friends are ‘feminists’) and Justin has had his face in Baudrillard for the past year. He’s currently deconstructing the semantics of ‘putang,’ convinced that pussy does not exist.
Jereme spoke in class today—not in any Eddie Vedder way—I mean, he literally finally spoke his first words. His 4th grade teacher and I were getting worried. Ryan is also a little slow, but we can’t all be Justin. Blake seems smart, but I think it’s just tourette’s.
The kids love their hamster, named it ‘Tao.’ Tao, despite being forced into his plastic compartment or spun on the wheel, is somehow able to maintain a ‘neutral facial expression.’ Sometimes we let Tao out to ride Melville, the toy whale, in the tub.
Sometimes I lie in bed at night, through the haze of Gene’s bear-like snoring, worrying about the ‘internet.’ I mean, what is the point of my life? I try to be a good mother, a good Christian, a good wife—but there’s this part of me that wants to get Mme. Bovary on Gene’s ass, like run away with Barry Graham, who measures various girths on his body.
There is a certain sadness to my life, to all of ours. I wish I could be happy like Gawker, that bitch. Oh dear, I must run. Little Sammy is eating his shit again, which is setting Blake off.