Baby Adolf’s Summary of the 5th Annual CUNY Chapbook Festival

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A couple of days ago Baby Adolf, the first Bambi Muse baby despot, and I met up at a McDonald’s near a Germanic bakery located somewhere on the Upper East Side.

My outfit featured, among other things, sunnies. As for Baby Adolf, his deck was brown.

Both Baby Adolf and I ordered vanilla ice cream cones. And after we ordered second vanilla ice cream cones, Baby Adolf screamed (unlike PhD’s, &c, no one at Bambi Muse is captivated by “conversation”) about how he wanted to be on HTML Giant quite badly. After all, Baby George III has been and so has Baby Marie-Antoinette. Why should the boy who will one day kill six million you-know-whos and five million other oh-who-cares be denied the chance to appear on the site run by the continually cute-looking Blake Butler?

“Maybe,” I said to Baby Adolf, at the McDonald’s near the Germanic bakery on the Upper East Side, “if you gave me three Baby Ruths, four Jujubes, and a Coca-Cola then I’ll publish your summary of the 5th-annual CUNY chapbook festival on 9 May 2013.”

Baby Adolf grumbled his assent. What follows is Baby Adolf’s summary:

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On Saturday Baby Adolf, accompanied by his mommy, Klara Hitler, visited the 5th annual chapbook festival at CUNY. For some time, Baby Adolf believed CUNY was just another way to say NYU. After Saturday, though, Baby Adolf realized that they were two separate entities. NYU is a big ugly college that’s usurping the West Village, while CUNY is a big ugly building in Midtown.

The festival took place in a plain white hallway, and, according to Baby Adolf’s eyes, there wasn’t anything particular festive going on. There weren’t any military marches or bellicose speeches prophesying global war along with the resurrection of the fatherland. Unfortunately, there were too many boys who looked like they’d just blown in from Bedford as well as a fair amount of girls whose clothes suggested that they had just come here from their weekly Park Slope Lesbian Separatist meeting.

But some commendable creatures were present, like Baby Ji Yoon. She spent most of her time at the festival taking mysterious notes, as if she were spying for a certain country that starts with North and ends in Korea.

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Also in attendance was Baby Ji Yoon’s little sister. She was missing her bow, probably because one of the Park Slope Lesbian Separatists snatched it off, since those types are terrified of cuteness.

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Of course, not all the girls at the “festival” warranted contempt. The girls at the Belldonna table, clad an elegant 90s punklike ensembles, made Baby Adolf marvel. He really wanted to purchase Twerk from them, but he was too intimated by their beauty to do so.

Speaking of looks, Andrew Durbin’s chapbook was for sale at the “festival.” But Andrew himself wasn’t for sale, he wasn’t even present. Perhaps Andrew was in a bathroom somewhere combing his characteristic blond locks.

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Also absent was Baby Carina. Supposedly, Baby Carina was waltzing merrily to the “festival” when Mayor Bloomberg spotted her, and, mistaking her for a shinny new penny, picked her up and put her in his pocket. Soon afterwards, the Mayor saw one of his donors. Always on the lookout for more cash, the Mayor ran really fast to try and catch up with the donor, and as he was running Baby Carina bounced out of his pocket and got hurt really badly. Did Mayor Bloomberg care about Baby Carina’s numerous bruises? No. The Mayor only cares about building buildings for white people, building bars for white people, and matzoh ball soup.

So… the best table at the “festival” was obviously the Birds of Lace one. Supposedly Baby Adolf snatched up every single book, including The Jennifer by Maia Elgin, and intends to coerce his mommy to read them to her while Wagner wails in the background.

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Some of the presses packed up early, as they probably had to be getting back to Brooklyn to publish more chapbooks by NYU, &c students.

When Baby Adolf and his mommy finally left, he was greeted by this NY Post headline. Oh, Baby Adolf would’ve much preferred to be at a New York Knicks basketball game, where the running, the bright lights, and the splendidly monster-sized boys are much more theatrical and Nuremberg Rally-like than the chapbook festival turned out to be.

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Here’s what Mayor Bloomberg’s discourteous conduct did to Baby Carina:

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Baby Adolf’s summary was first published on Bambi Muse  6 May 2013

Pictures of Baby Carina’s hospital bracelet and bruises were first published on Bambi Muse 8 May 2013