August 7th, 2009 / 2:45 pm
Excerpts
Drew Toal
Excerpts
From the Balki Bartokomous wiki
One episode had Larry going duck hunting and the normally gentle Balki surprisingly asks to come along, out of an intense hatred for ducks, which are regarded as vicious predators on Mypos. The description he gives of the ducks on Mypos later in the episode, however, implies that in fact Pterodactyls still exist on the island.
Tags: Perfect Strangers
so you’re saying character description is important then.
so you’re saying character description is important then.
Exactly that. I guess, also, that I’m saying Arthur Conan Doyle actually based The Lost World on a trip to Mypos. What?
i semi remember this episode
i semi remember every episode of this fine show
i semi remember this episode
i semi remember every episode of this fine show
Don’t be ree-dick-oo-los
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8vbnLYROCj8
if there’s a not a fan porn version of this where those two fuck hard on the base of the statue of liberty someone should get to work
if there’s a not a fan porn version of this where those two fuck hard on the base of the statue of liberty someone should get to work
Perfect Bangers?
Perfect Bangers?
Way to destroy something beautiful, Butler. Where do I get one of those copies of your book that you, like, shit on for big fans, anyway? Just tell me where to send the ten beans.
Perfect Danglers sounds better
Perfect Danglers sounds better
i will emails u.
i will eat somethin special before i do the shit on
Haha Perfect Danglers. I like that so much, I will now do the Dance of Joy!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GfPg5LjGYz8
i will emails u.
i will eat somethin special before i do the shit on
Drew and Blake are funny.
Thunderbirds.
Thunderbirds.
http://images.epilogue.net/users/lisahunt/thors_goats.jpg
need to revisit this program asap. memories of it are vague but beloved.
need to revisit this program asap. memories of it are vague but beloved.
The show was in Chicago, actually. They could fuck in front of Wrigley, right in the middle of that Richard Marx video.
Here’s a story I wrote in which I imagined I was on the ski trip with Larry, Balki, Jennifer and Marianne:
My Ski Trip with Perfect Strangers
Cousin Larry, Balki, Jennifer, Maryann and I are stuck in this cabin in the woods together. Would you like to know why? Cousin Larry decided to ski off-course and so we all had to follow him to make sure he was alright. Then we got lost and cold and found this cabin that happened to be unlocked, so we decided to warm up inside for a little while. But while we were inside, there was a very loud rumble that turned out to be an avalanche that snowed us into this cabin. Balki and Larry immediately tried to dig us out, but they dug a circle from the snow packed against the front door all the way around to the window right next to it. Jennifer and Maryann and I are angry and beautiful. Here is what would normally happen: Larry will hatch a hare-brained scheme. Balki will try to point out its faults. Larry will squash Balki’s intelligent opinions and they will go through with Larry’s plan. Everything that Balki predicted will go wrong, and then they will follow Balki’s plan. In this case, at some point Larry will give up digging and Balki will continue. While the others resign themselves to death, they will hear footsteps on the roof and realize Balki has made it out. They will rejoice. Yes, this is what would normally happen, but today, I happen to also be in the cabin and I am smarter than all of them combined.
While Larry and Balki dig, Jennifer and Maryann and I are playing strip poker, even though it’s really cold in the cabin. We are playing strip poker to make a point. The point we are trying to make is that Balki and Larry are totally oblivious to how bad we want them. They are digging through snow when they could be watching us play strip poker, or, duh, playing strip poker with us. Their plan for this ski trip was to have a weekend alone with us, preferably in a hot tub. They are alone with us right now, but they are too busy trying to get out of this perfectly secluded spot to recognize this is exactly what they wanted. Hello-ooo? We could take the time to remind Balki and Larry about the irony of the situation, but we’re tired of calling the shots.
After Jennifer, Maryann and I are naked, except for Maryann and her left sock, we play nude Scrabble. Then we play naked Apples to Apples. You might not guess it, because they give her the shitty lines, but Jennifer is so funny and so smart. When the green card says “Perfect” she picks a red card that says, “Evolution.” Maryann picks the red card that says, “God,” and Jennifer and I secretly roll our eyes. Maryann is on a real Jesus kick and it is wearing on us. Balki thinks it is adorable and wants to hear all about this new American mythology of Christianity.
By this point we are really fucking cold, so we decide to do some naked DDR to warm ourselves up. Even with all of that jumping around, still nothing from the boys in their ice tunnel over there. Maryann says, “This is kind of scary. We could all die in here. We should pray.” Jennifer bangs some pots around over by the sink like she doesn’t hear her and whispers to me, “If we die in this cabin, is praying what you want to be doing right now?” I nod while making my, “Yeah, right!” face because, no, it is not what I want to be doing right now. I want to be having a ménage a cinq with these two hot ladies and the two idiots who are very slowly spelunking their way out of our cabin of love.
Then I pause for a moment and I think, what the hell? Why do we like those guys? Larry is a real jerk and Balki is the biggest push-over this side of Aspen. I extricate my long underwear from the coffee table. “I’m putting my clothes back on, Jennifer. I’ve decided I do not like either of those men enough to stay here. I don’t know what I was thinking. You are way fun and Maryann is certainly pretty with her bleached-out clown hair, but I’m not sure what I saw in No-Chin and Big-Nose back there. I’m outta here.”
“But we are snowed in,” Jennifer says. “And you are my only true friend here.”
I am touched for a moment, and consider staying, but then I realize Jennifer is just using her wide-eyed flirtations on me now, too, so I pull on my snowsuit and head to the back of the cabin. “Did anyone try this back door? Because the avalanche fell from that side of the mountain where Larry and Balki are digging. Wouldn’t it make sense if the snow were shallower on this other side where the cabin maybe blocked some of the snow?” I step into my boots.
“Um, I didn’t see that door before,” Jennifer says. She looks kind of mad. Maryann has her rosary out over by the fireplace but is watching me now, too. I pull the door open and there is a free and clear path. I swear I can see headlights on the highway in the distance. Maryann starts screaming, “It’s a miracle!” and jumping up and down. Jennifer covers her nipples, shielding them from the cold air coming in. I say, “See ya!” and begin my slow trudge out to the road away from this hamster wheel of problem, botched attempt to solve problem, solution. As I shut the door I know without seeing it that Larry and Balki scramble back into the cabin from their inept tunnel. I know without hearing it that Larry shouts, “Oh, my God! You’re naked!” quickly followed by Balki’s catchphrase: “Well, feed me onions and call me stinky!” All that’s left to wonder is if they’ll dress and follow me out the door or if they’ll lose track of the easy escape and keep digging for the sky.
Here’s a story I wrote in which I imagined I was on the ski trip with Larry, Balki, Jennifer and Marianne:
My Ski Trip with Perfect Strangers
Cousin Larry, Balki, Jennifer, Maryann and I are stuck in this cabin in the woods together. Would you like to know why? Cousin Larry decided to ski off-course and so we all had to follow him to make sure he was alright. Then we got lost and cold and found this cabin that happened to be unlocked, so we decided to warm up inside for a little while. But while we were inside, there was a very loud rumble that turned out to be an avalanche that snowed us into this cabin. Balki and Larry immediately tried to dig us out, but they dug a circle from the snow packed against the front door all the way around to the window right next to it. Jennifer and Maryann and I are angry and beautiful. Here is what would normally happen: Larry will hatch a hare-brained scheme. Balki will try to point out its faults. Larry will squash Balki’s intelligent opinions and they will go through with Larry’s plan. Everything that Balki predicted will go wrong, and then they will follow Balki’s plan. In this case, at some point Larry will give up digging and Balki will continue. While the others resign themselves to death, they will hear footsteps on the roof and realize Balki has made it out. They will rejoice. Yes, this is what would normally happen, but today, I happen to also be in the cabin and I am smarter than all of them combined.
While Larry and Balki dig, Jennifer and Maryann and I are playing strip poker, even though it’s really cold in the cabin. We are playing strip poker to make a point. The point we are trying to make is that Balki and Larry are totally oblivious to how bad we want them. They are digging through snow when they could be watching us play strip poker, or, duh, playing strip poker with us. Their plan for this ski trip was to have a weekend alone with us, preferably in a hot tub. They are alone with us right now, but they are too busy trying to get out of this perfectly secluded spot to recognize this is exactly what they wanted. Hello-ooo? We could take the time to remind Balki and Larry about the irony of the situation, but we’re tired of calling the shots.
After Jennifer, Maryann and I are naked, except for Maryann and her left sock, we play nude Scrabble. Then we play naked Apples to Apples. You might not guess it, because they give her the shitty lines, but Jennifer is so funny and so smart. When the green card says “Perfect” she picks a red card that says, “Evolution.” Maryann picks the red card that says, “God,” and Jennifer and I secretly roll our eyes. Maryann is on a real Jesus kick and it is wearing on us. Balki thinks it is adorable and wants to hear all about this new American mythology of Christianity.
By this point we are really fucking cold, so we decide to do some naked DDR to warm ourselves up. Even with all of that jumping around, still nothing from the boys in their ice tunnel over there. Maryann says, “This is kind of scary. We could all die in here. We should pray.” Jennifer bangs some pots around over by the sink like she doesn’t hear her and whispers to me, “If we die in this cabin, is praying what you want to be doing right now?” I nod while making my, “Yeah, right!” face because, no, it is not what I want to be doing right now. I want to be having a ménage a cinq with these two hot ladies and the two idiots who are very slowly spelunking their way out of our cabin of love.
Then I pause for a moment and I think, what the hell? Why do we like those guys? Larry is a real jerk and Balki is the biggest push-over this side of Aspen. I extricate my long underwear from the coffee table. “I’m putting my clothes back on, Jennifer. I’ve decided I do not like either of those men enough to stay here. I don’t know what I was thinking. You are way fun and Maryann is certainly pretty with her bleached-out clown hair, but I’m not sure what I saw in No-Chin and Big-Nose back there. I’m outta here.”
“But we are snowed in,” Jennifer says. “And you are my only true friend here.”
I am touched for a moment, and consider staying, but then I realize Jennifer is just using her wide-eyed flirtations on me now, too, so I pull on my snowsuit and head to the back of the cabin. “Did anyone try this back door? Because the avalanche fell from that side of the mountain where Larry and Balki are digging. Wouldn’t it make sense if the snow were shallower on this other side where the cabin maybe blocked some of the snow?” I step into my boots.
“Um, I didn’t see that door before,” Jennifer says. She looks kind of mad. Maryann has her rosary out over by the fireplace but is watching me now, too. I pull the door open and there is a free and clear path. I swear I can see headlights on the highway in the distance. Maryann starts screaming, “It’s a miracle!” and jumping up and down. Jennifer covers her nipples, shielding them from the cold air coming in. I say, “See ya!” and begin my slow trudge out to the road away from this hamster wheel of problem, botched attempt to solve problem, solution. As I shut the door I know without seeing it that Larry and Balki scramble back into the cabin from their inept tunnel. I know without hearing it that Larry shouts, “Oh, my God! You’re naked!” quickly followed by Balki’s catchphrase: “Well, feed me onions and call me stinky!” All that’s left to wonder is if they’ll dress and follow me out the door or if they’ll lose track of the easy escape and keep digging for the sky.
haha. man. i luv jac.
haha. man. i luv jac.