I woke up today and looked at my boyfriend. He looked at me. People make a big deal out of today. My boyfriend and I didn’t do anything except look at each other. Then he made an omelet and I drank a glass of water. Today was not a big deal in the chronology of my life. After I drank some water I went on my computer.

I got an email from the illegitimate-seventeen-year-old child of someone famous. She sometimes emails me when she is upset. She is upset almost every day.

This morning she said, “In the seventeen years I’ve been alive nothing about the United States has been as cool as the moment my mother gave birth to me. I guess this is a revelation. Once Jesus breathed in my ear and whispered quiet boy thoughts, but he was afraid to do anything else because all men are slightly afraid of my sex. I’ve smelled the condition of this nation among the people. I’ve tasted the cheeks of the insides of a few mouths. A quiet boy was once afraid to touch me and began shaking and I had to eat his quiet boy thoughts. Obesity is the biggest non-equality between me and the lady who did my hair for prom. The prodigious influence that is the experience of prom is nothing more than the sanctimonious prostitution of the girls I wanted to be before I saw a dick fall out of a tuxedo. Obesity tends to linger and persuade my skinny friends to puke. I have puked three or four times on purpose. When I am of a peculiar direction in my life, in particular, when I am hung over, and public opinion of my previous night is that I was unable to handle my liquor, I wish that I had vomited before going to bed because one time I vomited on purpose after a long binge and in the morning I woke up and felt better than I had the last time I woke up sober. It has been three weeks since I have woken up sober.”

I wasn’t sure what to say so I didn’t respond. Instead, I went into the kitchen. I was hungry. I found some cereal. There was a cat in the kitchen. I said, “Hello Jim.” The cat did not respond. I put yogurt on my cereal. I thought I heard a cricket, but it was the wind.

Later, I was holding an empty bowl. I decided to ride my bike downtown and go to a professional women’s basketball game. Planet Mercury was playing The Purple Sparklers. I was cheering for Planet Mercury. At the entrance they were giving away coupons for discounted Ego waffles. I didn’t take any coupons. The Purple Sparklers scored the first basket thirteen seconds into the game and I got upset and left. As I was leaving I saw a bunch of anti-abortionists protesting outside the arena because one of the players on Planet Mercury got an abortion in the offseason. The anti-abortionists showed me a picture of a dead baby. I meowed and then licked the back of my wrist and rubbed the back of my head with my wet wrist. When I got home my boyfriend was holding Jim.