January 26th, 2011 / 7:34 pm

4 things that sorta suck

11. Being a big fish in a small pond. It’s not the same anymore. Because you are going to meet the internets. And the internets is an ocean. So now you’re not a big fish.

2. Black Swan. Because you didn’t learn anything about the ballet world you didn’t know. Every non-ballet world reader here, if asked to write the screenplay, would have thought: Well…bulimia, fucked up toes and shoes, domineering director dude with European flair, bitchy colleagues, when you’re age thirty you’re done, skinny. Well, no shit. Oh, and I wish the director had never seen Sixth Sense. Oh, and ha-ha, the director laughs, the unreliable narrator is really mentally ill and I don’t really have a focus here and we need to prove Natalie really isn’t Queen Amidala so could you arch your back higher in those panties, etc.? I’m just happy he didn’t end it with “And then she awakes” which you know he did and loved in some outtake we’ll see later on DVD. Oh, and Winona Ryder is grossly miscast or possibly just medicated for Kleptomania/busy picking such a meaty, meaty role out of her eyeteeth. Oh and…and oh, fuck it.

1. That Sebald WG died at age 57. But these guys retraced his funk-gloom walk of The Rings of Saturn. This doesn’t suck, as you will see, but it sucks for me that we are doing retrospective ideas on a writer recently loved (by me, fer sure) alive and writing new words.

4. Wendy’s new fries. I’m getting a New Coke feel. It’s a conspiracy of suck to make us like their old fries. The new fries hold the brown of bundled mortgages and taste like a committee or cat litter or a committee of cat litters. Something to make you doubt your ways.

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  1. drew kalbach

      today while walking home in the snowrain, i almost stopped in a wendy’s to try their fries. i feel thankful that i resisted the urge.

  2. shaun gannon

      wendy’s new fries are good, all haters must die

  3. Anonymous

      They truly do suck, drew.

      I like how the spicy 5 piece nuggets is .99 cents but the OG is $1.19 or something.

      What genius logician conjured up this equation?

  4. alanrossi

      the new ones might suck, but the old ones supersucked.

  5. alanrossi

      the new ones might suck, but the old ones supersucked.

  6. Ytftyf


  7. Ytftyf


  8. Anonymous

      i miss the OG crinkle cut fries from Carl’s Jr.

  9. alanrossi

      i was never near a carl’s jr. until later in life. jack in the box curly fries i thought were the shit, but now i can barely think about them without hating them a lot.

  10. Sean

      The old ones were at least an attempt at mimicking McDonald’s. They did have a crisp outer layer and a bright white center. What do the new fries have?

  11. Daniel Bailey

      yes, black swan sucked.

  12. shaun gannon

      The old ones, when cold, were the worst cold fries you could get, and the wendy’s on Jackson ALWAYS gives you cold fries. At least now they have some flavor.

  13. Anonymous

      Smelling a jack in the box is worse enough.

  14. alanrossi


  15. Sean

      We’re not talking cold fries. That’s an entirely different idea. Cold, there is no way we can judge astringency, tactile reduction, crunch, hygroscopic tendencies, really anything seriously to do with fries.

      This is an argument with a control: the fries are hot.

  16. Sean

      Oh, and the flavor is ass.

  17. shaun gannon

      oh man
      if the flavor is ass, it sounds like you may think they suck more than sorta.

  18. Guest

      Weirdly, I didn’t mind the heavy amount of clichés in the movie because it looked new. For all the easy dissing you could heap on the movie, you have to grant that it’s visually great.

  19. Anonymous

      I dearly miss the KFC parfait bucket too. Shit was trill.

  20. Sean

      I will nod to that aspect. I walked out after and across cold, wind-swept dark parking lot to find car, one of those weird after-movie moods while still digesting, I turned to movie going partner and said, “That was shot well. I’ll give it that.”

      The cinematographer seemed to really know black/white techniques, shadows, lighting techniques, very much like Woody Allen movies back in the day. You know the manipulation of shadows, edges, light, rays, shards, all good.

      So yes to that one aspect.

  21. Anonymous

      It’s an idea that’d maybe fly if they were really fresh- sea salt plus ‘natural cut’, which means ‘with the skin still on’. But the fries are bland, frozen-tasting things with a few huge salt grains.

      While we’re talking fries: there’s a German place in Tulsa that cooks fries in duck fat. Delicious.

  22. deadgod



  23. deadgod

      I recently hit an Arbie’s twofer (roast-beef/root-beer) with “cheddar cheese” on the sandwich, and, man: that food-like product they squirt between the meat and the bread is an atom away from chemotherapy. If that “cheese” were smeared on drone rockets and fired at Asian weddings, America would be invaded by Canada.

  24. Robert Swartwood

      Yeah, the new Wendy’s fries are awful. Does anyone leave near a Sheetz? Their MTO makes the best fries in the world, because they make them fresh right when you order them. As Kenny Bania would say, “They’re the best, Jerry, the best!”

  25. stephen

      i saw “black swan” last night. liked it

  26. jwithy

      Thanks so much for hating Black Swan.