August 3rd, 2011 / 11:40 pm

I am drinking gin & wrote about 7 songs as they came up on random in my itunes while they played part 3

Dr. Dre, “Deez Nuts,” The Chronic

Damn. The sample after the phone call at the beginning of this song with the dude with the weird voice talking about nuts makes me feel scared. I honestly wish I was black. I just sat here listening for a full two minutes of the song before I wrote that. I don’t think it’s bad to say that. People seem to get mad if you say things about things like that. My friend Ben told me the other day that he realized that all of my characters I’ve ever written are black. I want to believe that. This song is part of the album that made me start drinking gin when I finally started drinking, which wasn’t until I was 26, or maybe 27. I told everyone who drank that they were stupid for it a lot I think. Then I was just doing it. I wish I was the keyboard in this song; actually I wish that the most.

Mogwai, “You Don’t Know Jesus,” Rock Action

That’s a good title for a song. I don’t even care what the song does after the title. I think more people should be attacked for things about god but indirectly like a song title that kids who chill in rooms probably put on and laugh about. Maybe this shitty ass band laughs about it too. I have to check to see how long this song is because I don’t know if I can take guitars for this long. Fuck, it’s 8 minutes and three seconds. That’s the worst. No song with guitars in it should be that long. Guy Piciotto has that songs where he says he realizes that he hates the sound of guitars, and it seems like that’s like me hating books and words. Had a conversation about that last night, like would I hate teeth if I were a dentist, is that my personality, or is it more situational. God, fuck this song. This is the most annoying thing I’ve ever heard with all this swirling treble. Who decided Mogwai was okay to think was good. It seems like they were a band that could have just existed in their house playing shitty shows in whatever city they are from forever and self releasing bullshit for whoever forever and never been something people talk about except a guy who works at a label picked them up and then they became whatever they are. Things like that happen. I wish I was listening to “Deez Nuts” again instead of this song…. Let me slow down a second. Maybe things can be good… Just looked, three more minutes left, and noticed this album is called “Rock Action.” I forgot about that, fuck this shithole song. No really, fuck these guys.

Brian Wilson, “Our Prayer/Gee,” Smile

They are harmonizing. They always do that. One of the first records I ever had was “Endless Summer.” My mom got it for me at a garage sale I think. I liked looking at the cover of it a lot and playing the music. I don’t think I understood the music but I understood that my mom bought it for me and that meant more than other things. I’m older now. I am scared of songs that make me remember things because then they can be weapons. They are going “bom bom bom a bom” or whatever. That seems not such a weapon, but maybe more then is one cuz of that.

Wire, “Let’s Panic Later,” 154

When I had a, uh, class at Georgia Tech for web design we had to build a website to show we could do certain things and I made one about how much I hated British music. That’s not so true anymore. I wish I had a pretzel as big as me that I could lay against and hump and eat at the same time. Seems like these guys are “experimenting” on this song, like they said “hey let’s experiment” and like went in the booth and were looking at each other all weird through the glass like surprised what they were doing and yet intense at the same time so the performance seemed legitimate. I wonder if they are proud of this still. Panicking now seems better than later.

The Melvins, “Goose Freight Train,” Stoner Witch

I saw these guys a few times, they were wearing cloaks that looked like dresses. It’s really quiet here tonight in my house except for that I’m playing music. I used to think that music could keep you safe, like if you were playing it it filled the air and if people were outside your house they wouldn’t be able to move through the silence to hurt you because the silence made it impossible for them to come through the same way. I like the name “Goose Freight Train” but I don’t know what it has to do with this song. I see a big goose going on a track through the night kind of smiling and brighter than everything around it. This song reminds me of mowing the lawn. Couldn’t help but just wondering after I paused between that last sentence and thinking about what would be next if I am stupid. I’m probably stupider now than I was three years ago but smarter than I was five years ago. Does aging work like that? I feel like I can feel me aging with this guitar line, like it is counting time in a nonmusical way and more in the way people actually age. I don’t know how I haven’t misspelled anything in this whole paragraph while typing, only the word “Melvins” is underlined in red. I want to get licked in between the eyes by

The Minutemen, “Spillage,” Double Nickels on the Dime

I mean, all their songs sound the same. It’s a cool song, the one song, but it’s all of them. Gian just texted me, “I like that dude. I like his sense of humor.” Trying to remember who he was talking about. D. Boon and Cliff Burton probably chill. My TV seems to be watching me.

Young Jeezy, “Time,” Trap or Die 2

Man his voice is super all tricked out on this song, like he’s over enunciating his southern accent. It works pretty good like when Project Pat does that. There are people singing in the background here, makes me feel like I want to walk out of the house to the church across the street and walk inside it and stand there and see if I can see something. I actually don’t think I’ve ever heard this Jeezy song somehow. My computer is full of a lot of songs I’ve never heard and are just sitting there inside this machine. People worked on them and did things to make them and they are there. Ie9f=0eif0uer-ufadohf a slofjalksjd flkja sld. He is saying “tie-um” when he says “time” and that’s confusing. I feel ugly, but not physically really, just in general. I have eaten tortilla chips for dinner every night this week. Looked at the top of the screen and it says “Chrome” which feels better to see than “Safari.” What is happening to everyone. Stop saying “tie-um,” dude, it feels messed up. I want to go on a really long walk that feels like a short walk at the end of it and I just sit down there wherever seems like the end of the walk.



  1. Tummler

      I think that for most people, The Chronic is the album that made them start smoking chronic.

  2. Samuel Gulpan

      I would love to read your impressions on various black metal bands, assuming that they lurk somewhere in your itunes library. Thanks for this post, especially for these sentences which made me smile: *He is saying “tie-um” when he says “time” and that’s confusing. I feel ugly, but not physically really, just in general.* Now I need to go on the hunt for parts 1 and 2…

  3. Frank Tas, the Raptor

      Idunno, dude. Saying I wish I was black is a pretty bad thing I think. That’s like saying, I wish people thought I was smart but everyone assumes I have Down Syndrome by the slope of my nose so I have this romantic illogical hurdle I need to overcome, which is like the Rudy movie.

      I’m sorry, was that inappropriate? Yes.

      I’m sorry, but is wishing you were the most oppressed and abused culture in America for cred points inappropriate? Yes. I’m sorry.

  4. Ken Baumann


  5. Anonymous

      “I used to think that music could keep you safe, like if you were
      playing it it filled the air and if people were outside your house they
      wouldn’t be able to move through the silence to hurt you because the
      silence made it impossible for them to come through the same way.”

      this. yes. yes yes. this.

  6. bobby

      Eff cred points. 

  7. bobby

      Eff cred points. 

  8. craig ronald marchinkoski

      i wish i were black. 
      i was at a poetry reading in the sunken garden last night in farmington, connecticut. all these white people were sitting in the garden on blankets. they had fancy metal wine glass holders that stuck into the ground like tent stakes. they all said “mmm” and “aaaah” and “hahahaha” after a poet like David Watts or Mark Doty said their white lines of poetry. they said “mmm” and “aaaah” and “hahahaha” like the poets’ last lines of white poetry offered the key to some white treasure hidden under the williams-sonoma in west hartford. there was no music in their white poetry. but there was a jazz band that played jazz for white people before the poetry started. some little white girl sang “somewhere over the rainbow.” it was white. it was awful. then it started to rain. i left the sunken garden and told my partner i felt really black in there. she asked me if it was because all the other people were upper class. i said they weren’t upper class. i said they were all boringly bourgeoisie. my partner asked if i wanted to go to the bar to hear or read hip hop poetry and watch the breakdancing. i said all the white people made me not want to hear anymore poetry. i said all the white people made me hate poetry. i said i wanted to go drink gin and tonics instead. i finished my gin and my friend came over and paid me the money he owed me. he said he got a job, but he was waiting for au bon pain to check his criminal record. my partner said it was odd au bon pain would do a criminal check. i told my partner that when you’re a young black man in america, they are always doing criminal checks on you. my friend laughed and said he was going to read poetry at the hip hop club. we said goodbye. my partner and i walked home in the rain. 

  9. Anonymous

      Rudy seriously complains his way on to the team. He just whines. It’s the worst.

  10. deadgod

      if they’d had notre dame in roots, toby would have been the quarterback

  11. deadgod

      black men who see racial hostility everywhere are sensitive

      in some cases, european-american chicks know this

  12. craig ronald marchinkoski
  13. MFBomb

      “I honestly wish I was black. I just sat here listening for a full two minutes of the song before I wrote that. I don’t think it’s bad to say that. People seem to get mad if you say things about things like that. ”

      I’m trying to figure out-the-context, other than drunkenness, before I get offended and self-righteous.  You’re writing about “The Chronic,” and then come out of nowhere with this bizarre comment.  It’s hard to place.  I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you’re not one of those white boys who equates some sort of monolithic notion of blackness with rap/hip-hop.

  14. deadgod

      european-american men who see black men with european-american chicks everywhere are black chicks

      in some cases, jazz-metal fusion is Edge City

  15. Frank Tas, the Raptor

      Man, I am overly apologetic while wasted. I actually wrote this after getting so drunk that I ate 3 (!) boston kreme donuts in a row. I puked one up this morning.

  16. Roxane

      Imagine the reaction if a black person said, “I wish I was white.” 

  17. deadgod

      I would be compassionately supportive, but I would point out that, unless that person wants people to think that person is Hanoi George, that person has to use better grammar.

  18. Roxane

      As usual, I don’t understand half of what you said. Are you insulting my grammar? Who is Hanoi George? So many questions.

  19. MFBomb

      It would probably depend on the context.

      Isn’t Blake Butler the same guy who once wrote a post titled something like, “Ghetto Rap,” and then said in an interview w/ you that rap “deletes something inside of him”?

      His appreciation of rap seems very shallow to me, which makes the comment all the more strange. 

  20. Roxane

      I can’t speak for Blake but I don’t think his appreciation of rap is at all shallow. I do think it’s… it’s something to say, “I wish I was black.” Strange is a good word for it. People say it all the time but they don’t really wish they were black. They’re (generally) speaking to desiring certain qualities they assign to blackness without considering what being black is really like. 

  21. MFBomb

      We’ll have to disagree on his appreciation of rap, though I’m only going off what he’s written here. 

      Agree w/ the rest of your post. 

  22. deadgod

      I’m teasing your repetition of Blake’s grammar, rather than “insulting” your own.  –but if it feels “insulting”, then is it?  –I don’t know.

      “Hanoi George” is a person also named ‘George Walker Bush’.

  23. Roxane

      I was asking because I wasn’t sure. Thanks.

  24. craig ronald marchinkoski

      black chicks that date european-american men are in demand. 
      in some cases, this might make babies.

  25. Blake Butler

      yeah i have no idea why i said it. i know it was stupid to say. ‘drunk blogging’. oh well

  26. Roxane

      We all say things when we’re drunk. I generally hide my computer from myself when Im drunk.

  27. deadgod

      black chicks dating european-american men is cascade-up economics

      wait a minute

      demand makes “babies”

      uh oh

  28. Guestagain

      “As usual, I don’t understand half of what you said.” Nice to know I’m not the only one, it makes me feel less incomplete.

  29. dubya

      Everything about Blake *Black* Butler seems very shallow to me. The Mogwai rant helps me understand why I never bought, nor will ever buy a Blake Butler book. 

  30. Guestagain

      I wish I was Irish

  31. Samuel Gulpan

      My sister’s ex-boyfriend, who is black, flat out told me one day: “I hate black people.” I had nothing to say back to him, except “why?” Then he started messing around with his Mossberg shotgun while yelling at his daughter. I wasn’t about to question him further.

  32. Jimmy Chen

      i had to grooveshark these songs to follow along. i wish blake was asian.

  33. Corey Zeller

      wait, wait, wait, wait, wait…Butler isn’t black?

  34. Frank Tas, the Raptor

      Sounds like yr blogging wrong

  35. marshall

      yo chill out guys

  36. Steven Purtill

      I don’t know about the Minutemen comments – especially when you are listening to Double Nickles.  So much more varied than most albums, including most of the albums you mention in this post.  But I do agree that panicking now is better than later…

  37. craig ronald marchinkoski

      don’t call me gooback, human.
      i was standing in the lunch line. back when milk chocolate milk was .25. back when the white sox were a fad. back when students wore looney tune t-shirts tucked into the front of their cross color jeans. 1992? m. carr said to me, as the lunch lady plopped peas on his plate, “yo, i member when i wished i was white.” m. carr went on to laugh for a few. then m. crumpp said, “yea. i wished i was white, too.” then m. crumpp joined m. carr in laughing. i didn’t laugh. i want to think i laughed. but i didn’t.
      some of my friends dress against their assigned gender roles and want to be accepted. i dressed in blackface once and was called a wannabe house nigger and something else i’ve since forgotten. lucky me. can someone honestly identify as the opposite sex? can someone not honestly identify with a different ethnicity? social construct says what? i’m not sure. i don’t read about these issues, but i am interested in them.
      i remember feeling happy that m. carr and m. crumpp were happy being not white. it’s good to be happy.

  38. Leopoldbloom

      Would there be any different reaction if Black Butler said he wished he was Native American?

  39. Leopoldbloom

      Would there be any different reaction if Black Butler said he wished he was Native American?

  40. Ethan

      “I honestly wish I was black.”
      I can totally relate to this feeling, Blake. I wish you were black, too.

  41. 16 Nonfiction Forms And How To Write Them | Thought Catalog

      […] / proximity to the the writer’s experience and subconsciousness (check Blake Butler’s series “I am drinking gin & wrote about 7 songs as they came up on random in my itunes while they played“), that the form uniquely expresses. In some way this can make for the truest of all nonfiction […]