October 20th, 2008 / 7:06 pm
Mean & Random

MEAN MONDAY: Aggressive Suitor

Got a special email last night from some dude, titled ‘Yeah, you.’ Uh oh.

Here’s what it had to say:

What’s up with your dead dick website? The motherfucker is cut-off on the left. Were you cum drunk when you designed it? Anyway dildo breath, here it is with your fake ass tough talk; What the piss is the pay for publication in your magazine? Most lit mags list it, why should I need to contact you about it? List it, Goddamn it! Do it NOW!! I write stories that make Hemingway, Fitzgerald and others of their ilk look like candy asses, suckling at their momma’s tit. I don’t have time to be coddling dirt dumb editors who can’t even layout a guidelines page – wake the fuck up!!

Christopher Roberts

I was able to find one online piece of work by Christopher Roberts, who writes stories that make Hemingway, Fitzgerald and others of their ilk look like candy asses, which is an an essay criticizing the closed-mindedness of the New Yorker (ironically at 3:AM Magazine). Bone crushing.

I’m not sure which way I offended Mr. Roberts, as I haven’t been able to link him to any of the journals I criticized the design of during Mean Week.

I did find him stickin’ it to the man from the inside on some writer’s publicity group called writers.net. Here’s his profile:

Chris Roberts
Agent: Writers net sucks
Brooklyn, New York, United States

Email: croberts7@nyc.rr.com

I live to run Writers net out of business – it’s run by a bunch of blowjobs.

Interests: Serial Killing.

Published writer: Yes

Freelance: No

Salivatory.

Anyway, to answer your question, dude, you must not have paid close enough attention to the ‘guidelines’ on our site (I assume you are talking about No Colony, though I’m not quite sure how websites can be ‘cut off on the left,’ does your monitor load backwards?) but let me point you to this thing right here on the front page:

BUY YOURSELF IN: Are you lonely? $400 installs text of your choice in our gaping loins. Leave the money on the dresser. May or may not include disease.

We accept cash, credit, money orders, New Yorker subscriptions, and some forms of primitive coin or manual stimulation.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m on my way back to quivering in the vast throes of impending serial-killer-narrative innovation.

Good luck!

Tags: , ,

51 Comments

  1. barry
  2. barry
  3. jereme

      i love semi-functioning crazy individuals

      god bless them all

  4. jereme

      i love semi-functioning crazy individuals

      god bless them all

  5. jereme

      barry you dumb fuck

      wrong post

  6. jereme

      barry you dumb fuck

      wrong post

  7. barry

      just listen to them and shut the fuck up you candy ass dead dick with dildo breath

  8. barry

      just listen to them and shut the fuck up you candy ass dead dick with dildo breath

  9. jereme

      i’ve heard them

      i own them

      you are right. listening to his words is much different than reading

      still the wrong post you turd guzzling hot anal jousting virus breeder

  10. jereme

      i’ve heard them

      i own them

      you are right. listening to his words is much different than reading

      still the wrong post you turd guzzling hot anal jousting virus breeder

  11. Ken Baumann

      i need this guy on my detail, he is really good at life

  12. Ken Baumann

      i need this guy on my detail, he is really good at life

  13. jereme

      hey chris roberts

      you shouldn’t talk shit to blake, seriously he is a good guy and when i say ‘hate’ i mean i get physically disgusted they share existence with me

      and it makes me very sad and i want to cry but instead i drink and drug and walk alone while smoking cigars

      can’t you relate buddy?

      and if you are going to threaten people on the internet

      make sure i can’t figure out anything about you asshat

      because i am just bored and lonely enough to call you and say hello every minute of every hour

      or maybe have a fax machine call you for days on end. i hope this isn’t your cell phone:

      chris roberts

      15 years of experience

      pruning * planting * fall cleanup

      can be contacted at:

      718-783-2488

      email: croberts7@nyc.rr.com

      k

      *kiss*

  14. jereme

      hey chris roberts

      you shouldn’t talk shit to blake, seriously he is a good guy and when i say ‘hate’ i mean i get physically disgusted they share existence with me

      and it makes me very sad and i want to cry but instead i drink and drug and walk alone while smoking cigars

      can’t you relate buddy?

      and if you are going to threaten people on the internet

      make sure i can’t figure out anything about you asshat

      because i am just bored and lonely enough to call you and say hello every minute of every hour

      or maybe have a fax machine call you for days on end. i hope this isn’t your cell phone:

      chris roberts

      15 years of experience

      pruning * planting * fall cleanup

      can be contacted at:

      718-783-2488

      email: croberts7@nyc.rr.com

      k

      *kiss*

  15. jereme

      *seriously he is a good guy and i hate every one. when i say ‘hate’ i mean i get physically disgusted they share existence with me

  16. jereme

      *seriously he is a good guy and i hate every one. when i say ‘hate’ i mean i get physically disgusted they share existence with me

  17. jereme

      sorry i forgot some pertinent data.

      chrissy resides at:

      312 E 106th St,Brooklyn, NY 11236

      hey maybe he is a tao fan.

  18. jereme

      sorry i forgot some pertinent data.

      chrissy resides at:

      312 E 106th St,Brooklyn, NY 11236

      hey maybe he is a tao fan.

  19. drew

      somebody should shit in a box and mail it to him

      just kidding?

  20. drew

      somebody should shit in a box and mail it to him

      just kidding?

  21. carl

      i got him confused with eric roberts. dude was awesome in “Best of the Best”

  22. carl

      i got him confused with eric roberts. dude was awesome in “Best of the Best”

  23. Gian

      I got a very similar email from the same guy/

  24. Gian

      I got a very similar email from the same guy/

  25. Matt K

      I couldn’t get through the thing at 3:AM, but his bio is interesting:

      Reviews of his work appeared in Storie: All Write, where his use of native tongue and local morays were compared to Faulkner.

      I like this – I imagine the work in Storie: All Write was a recipe for tongue and eels. Were there morays in Yoknapatawpha?

  26. Matt K

      I couldn’t get through the thing at 3:AM, but his bio is interesting:

      Reviews of his work appeared in Storie: All Write, where his use of native tongue and local morays were compared to Faulkner.

      I like this – I imagine the work in Storie: All Write was a recipe for tongue and eels. Were there morays in Yoknapatawpha?

  27. Sam Pink

      mahfuckahs ain’t got no love for christopher roberts.

  28. Sam Pink

      mahfuckahs ain’t got no love for christopher roberts.

  29. Darby Larson

      I sometimes see the left side of the text cut off on this site (htmlgiant) also, but I think it’s a browser thing.

  30. Darby Larson

      I sometimes see the left side of the text cut off on this site (htmlgiant) also, but I think it’s a browser thing.

  31. Brad D. Green

      Well, I closed my left eye and I could still see the entire website, so I wasn’t motivated to send an angry email to Blake Butler.

  32. Brad D. Green

      Well, I closed my left eye and I could still see the entire website, so I wasn’t motivated to send an angry email to Blake Butler.

  33. Blake Butler

      darby, the left side of the text cuts off sometimes?

      i am confused

  34. Blake Butler

      darby, the left side of the text cuts off sometimes?

      i am confused

  35. jereme

      blake,

      yes it does. i witnessed it last night.

      it is not the ‘text’ but the page margin.

      i was too tired last night to try to figure it out when i noticed it. I am guessing it may be a browser/resolution issue.

  36. jereme

      blake,

      yes it does. i witnessed it last night.

      it is not the ‘text’ but the page margin.

      i was too tired last night to try to figure it out when i noticed it. I am guessing it may be a browser/resolution issue.

  37. jereme

      blake,

      i mailed you a screenshot of the problem.

  38. jereme

      blake,

      i mailed you a screenshot of the problem.

  39. Blake Butler

      the problem is IE6.

      IE6 sux

  40. Blake Butler

      the problem is IE6.

      IE6 sux

  41. Darby Larson

      right. it is IE6. I’m forced to use this at work and that’s where I see it. I see it fine at home where I use not-IE6.

  42. Darby Larson

      right. it is IE6. I’m forced to use this at work and that’s where I see it. I see it fine at home where I use not-IE6.

  43. Alas

      This Chris Roberts was a laughing stock at the latest AWP conference in Denver. The dude is seriously disturbed.

  44. Alas

      This Chris Roberts was a laughing stock at the latest AWP conference in Denver. The dude is seriously disturbed.

  45. Blake Butler

      what happened?

  46. Blake Butler

      what happened?

  47. Adam

      Christopher Roberts, Landscaper, gets rick-rolled:

      —-

      On Jul 19, 2010, at 2:03 PM, Chris Roberts wrote:

      To: Quick Fiction
      Subject: Re: WEB EMAIL: A question

      Hello – Does QF pay or give contributor’s copies? Thank you.
      B…
      Chris Roberts, American King


      This mail is sent via contact form on Quick Fiction http://quickfiction.org/wp

      —-

      From: Quick Fiction
      To: Chris Roberts
      Sent: Monday, July 26, 2010 9:30 AM

      Two contributor copies.

      —-

      On Jul 26, 2010, at 3:33 PM, Chris Roberts wrote:

      Subject: Wow!, Contributor’s Copies

      Editor Type,
      You should post contributor’s copies on your website, but then again you must be embarrassed at your “payment” Ha, ha. On that note, Oh, Wow, 2 niggardly contributor’s copy! Gee, I can buy the world with that. Hey everyone, look at my 2 copies, all shiny and new. I feel soo… special. I’m in the Big Times now! I’m a famous author now. I can go on the talk show circuit – Oprah here I come!

      Soon to be famous,

      Christopher Roberts

      —-

      From: Adam Pieroni
      To: Chris Roberts
      Sent: Monday, July 26, 2010 3:44 PM

      Sorry, I forgot about our other payment option for authors who submit rejoinders following up on simple questions rife with undisguised rancor and peppered with wizardly punctuation. For them we offer a $100,000 advance, a film option from a major studio, and three contributor copies. So, thanks a ton for reminding me about that. Can’t wait to read your submissions.

      You go, Ro,
      Adam Pieroni

      —-

      On Jul 26, 2010, at 5:18 PM, Chris Roberts wrote:

      Lady-Boy,

      I don’t submit to pseudo literary contraptions that dole out two or any number of contributor’s copies Ada. Your attempt at humor is really corny. Stick to your day job at the tampon factory, putting in the strings. Now slink back into oblivion, your touch with greatness is over.

      You go, Girl,

      Christopher Roberts

      —-

      From: Adam Pieroni
      To: Chris Roberts
      Sent: Monday, July 26, 2010 8:46 PM

      Better punctuation in this one. Let me know if I can help you with anything else.

      —-

      On Jul 27, 2010, at 3:07 PM, Chris Roberts wrote:

      Editor Type,

      An editor is nothing more than a glorified spell check program. Hanging yourself will eliminate this unpleasant reality.

      Chris Roberts, Writer

      —-

      From: Adam Pieroni
      To: Chris Roberts
      Sent: Tuesday, July 27, 2010 5:53 PM
      Subject: Re: Wow!, Contributor’s Copies

      Less spunk in this one, and that makes me sad, as do the deflected thoughts of suicide. Almost as sad as this: http://fictioncircus.com/news.php?id=526&mode=one

      Adam

      —-

      On Jul 27, 2010, at 7:00 PM, Chris Roberts wrote:

      Sad, that’s definitely you. Your lack of talent in even an e-mail betrays you.
      Christopher Roberts

      —-

      From: Adam Pieroni
      To: Chris Roberts
      Sent: Wednesday, July 28, 2010 9:59 AM

      Talent: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ag-DhXy7dN0

      —-

      From: Chris Roberts
      To: Adam Pieroni
      Sent: Wednesday, July 28, 2010 11:16 AM
      Subject: Your sister gives sloppy head

      You stupid fuck stop sucking your own dick.
      Christopher Roberts

  48. Adam

      Christopher Roberts, Landscaper, gets rick-rolled:

      —-

      On Jul 19, 2010, at 2:03 PM, Chris Roberts wrote:

      To: Quick Fiction
      Subject: Re: WEB EMAIL: A question

      Hello – Does QF pay or give contributor’s copies? Thank you.
      B…
      Chris Roberts, American King


      This mail is sent via contact form on Quick Fiction http://quickfiction.org/wp

      —-

      From: Quick Fiction
      To: Chris Roberts
      Sent: Monday, July 26, 2010 9:30 AM

      Two contributor copies.

      —-

      On Jul 26, 2010, at 3:33 PM, Chris Roberts wrote:

      Subject: Wow!, Contributor’s Copies

      Editor Type,
      You should post contributor’s copies on your website, but then again you must be embarrassed at your “payment” Ha, ha. On that note, Oh, Wow, 2 niggardly contributor’s copy! Gee, I can buy the world with that. Hey everyone, look at my 2 copies, all shiny and new. I feel soo… special. I’m in the Big Times now! I’m a famous author now. I can go on the talk show circuit – Oprah here I come!

      Soon to be famous,

      Christopher Roberts

      —-

      From: Adam Pieroni
      To: Chris Roberts
      Sent: Monday, July 26, 2010 3:44 PM

      Sorry, I forgot about our other payment option for authors who submit rejoinders following up on simple questions rife with undisguised rancor and peppered with wizardly punctuation. For them we offer a $100,000 advance, a film option from a major studio, and three contributor copies. So, thanks a ton for reminding me about that. Can’t wait to read your submissions.

      You go, Ro,
      Adam Pieroni

      —-

      On Jul 26, 2010, at 5:18 PM, Chris Roberts wrote:

      Lady-Boy,

      I don’t submit to pseudo literary contraptions that dole out two or any number of contributor’s copies Ada. Your attempt at humor is really corny. Stick to your day job at the tampon factory, putting in the strings. Now slink back into oblivion, your touch with greatness is over.

      You go, Girl,

      Christopher Roberts

      —-

      From: Adam Pieroni
      To: Chris Roberts
      Sent: Monday, July 26, 2010 8:46 PM

      Better punctuation in this one. Let me know if I can help you with anything else.

      —-

      On Jul 27, 2010, at 3:07 PM, Chris Roberts wrote:

      Editor Type,

      An editor is nothing more than a glorified spell check program. Hanging yourself will eliminate this unpleasant reality.

      Chris Roberts, Writer

      —-

      From: Adam Pieroni
      To: Chris Roberts
      Sent: Tuesday, July 27, 2010 5:53 PM
      Subject: Re: Wow!, Contributor’s Copies

      Less spunk in this one, and that makes me sad, as do the deflected thoughts of suicide. Almost as sad as this: http://fictioncircus.com/news.php?id=526&mode=one

      Adam

      —-

      On Jul 27, 2010, at 7:00 PM, Chris Roberts wrote:

      Sad, that’s definitely you. Your lack of talent in even an e-mail betrays you.
      Christopher Roberts

      —-

      From: Adam Pieroni
      To: Chris Roberts
      Sent: Wednesday, July 28, 2010 9:59 AM

      Talent: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ag-DhXy7dN0

      —-

      From: Chris Roberts
      To: Adam Pieroni
      Sent: Wednesday, July 28, 2010 11:16 AM
      Subject: Your sister gives sloppy head

      You stupid fuck stop sucking your own dick.
      Christopher Roberts

  49. Megpokrass

      it was me, Blake. I am so damn sorry. I am coming down from the holidays. It happens every year.

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