Random
Mr. Quickly: The Greatest Amazon Reviewer of all Time
Once, when I was desperately trying not to work on a novel, I spent a great deal of time on Amazon reading fake reviews. I discovered Mr. Quickly. I contacted him, asking him to work with me on a book of a collection of Amazon Reviews to be entitled, Fake Amazon Reviews. It would be a little “gift” book, something you pick up on your way out of the bookstore, a little slip of a book, right near the checkout. I think I insulted him by assuming his reviews were “fake”. Sigh. Mr. Quickly, if you are out there? I love you. Here are some of his great reviews:
Swiffer Wet Jet All-In-One Power Mop Starter Kit
This product is a good to initiate the mopping novice but for the real professional reading this review you’re going to want to remove most of your flooring in the kitchen and replace it with a mesh net and sturdy bracings. You will then place a removable tarp underneath the netting to catch everything you spill in the kitchen that sifts through the mesh, from cod batter mix, silica, phosphorus, anything you may be cooking with. It’s an unusual method, but you’ll find your floorspace much cleaner. And the tarp can be wrapped up without spilling it all over your basement. I like my basement clean because I have a vintage white rotary dial telephone collection there, one of North America’s foremost collections.
So this Swiffer, while it does remove some dirt, is by far one of the lesser methods.
And Ladies of The Club by Helen Hooven Santmyer
Helen ‘Hoof’ Santmyer, January 27, 2007 “…And Ladies of the Club” is a warm story. It follows a group of women who struggle to comprehend their place in a complicated world, finding solidarity amongst each other in a fellowship for women with club feet, the name of which gives this novel its title. One particular highlight is page 168 where the author describes the relapse of a club foot back to its starting position, calling it “a time-lapsed lilac closing in on itself as the sun sets, creaking.” Beautiful.
National Audubon Society Field Guide to North American Rocks and Minerals (National Audubon Society Field Guides), by NATIONAL AUDUBON SOCIETY
I’ve written to the National Audubon society and several geologists concerning an omission in this book.
I can’t remember when Michael Landon and I discovered our mutual love of geology, but it remained a constant in our friendship. Shortly before he began to film for his finest role as Jonathan Smith in “Highway to Heaven”, Michael Landon and I embarked upon a geological survey of Northern Canada. Using his celebrity influence, Michael Landon was granted a royal charter from Franz Joseph II, then Prince of Liechtenstein, to finance any mining capital should we discover a new gem to add to the Prince’s famous gem-trunk.
We eventually found a quiet piece of land within the traditional lands of the Nis’gl’t’k people. After spending seven months documenting and learning their language these gentle woodsfolk spoke to us of a cave famous in their stories for being the home of N’gaask’ul’k’ot, or “Gelman.” Instinctively, Michael Landon went there, to Gelman’s cave. He refused to use anything but a 10 inch hunting knife when quarrying. He furiously knifed at the cave wall for 4 or 6 hours without any apparent consistency to where his knife struck. Suddenly the cave stank. What was the smell? I followed Michael Landon’s eyes, and he was using them to look at a gem that lay before his fallow blade. We both knew what we had discovered, but we consulted our Audubon guide. It wasn’t listed. In his excitement, Michael Landon first suggested naming it “stinkrock”, then “stankrock” and finally “smellrock.” I took on a soothing tone to pacify him and delicately suggested we call it the “Landonquicklyite.” He put a single finger to his pursed lips, furrowed his brow, squatted, started walking around while squatting, and then eagerly said “let’s call it Michael Landon’s Rock.” Kenneth Waltz later characterised our relationship as having a power imbalance, probably a reason why the gem came to be known among us and in some geological circles as “michaellandonsrock.”
The unbearable weight of that memory is comparable to the 10 pounds of michaellandonsrock I carry with me every day. I even put it in the rock tumbler and it looks nice.
So, perhaps my review is biased, but I hope that in the future the Audubon Society will investigate my claim.
Burnt Toast: And Other Philosophies of Life, by Teri Hatcher
Sister’s Doing it For Themselves, July 3, 2006 While I’m not a single working mom, I actively enjoy the single working mom lifestyle. Reading this book I felt Teri to be a sister to me, and I a sister to her. Our childhood would have been one where I could look back fondly on the time we picked raspberries that one summer; the ambrosial jewels melting on our tongues as we bathed in the summer shade of a sycamore tree, the sun’s light ebbing in the East, and our conversation becoming a series of poems dedicated to life’s loves and losses. Mother would have corn pone, okra, alligator medallions and a rich heady jumbalaya cooking in the kitchen. The smell would waft through the neighborhood like a spectral madame from the deep South calling out our names. “Teri and her sister Mister Quickly” she would say with her dulcet Southern drawl.
Now Teri and I have all grown up. I find it easy to relate to the anecdotes about her being a busy mom, and also being single, because Lord help me – I know what that’s like! While I don’t have children in the traditional sense, I do have an active imagination and spend a lot a lot of time trying on women’s perfume and scrubbing the tub with Comet, something I’m sure Teri knows all about, because as sisters we love our perfume; yet we are also nagged with domestic responsibilities, like bleaching things and using ajax.
My favourite passage is on page 112 where Teri writes “No” at one point. To me that word sums up the point of this book: “No (to men that try to hold us back from being fabulous and doing it for ourselves).”
Tags: amazon, mr. quickly
these are amazing. are they real? or did you make them up? i can’t tell what i want the answer to that to be. these could make a novel.
these are amazing. are they real? or did you make them up? i can’t tell what i want the answer to that to be. these could make a novel.
you should’ve said, “i want you to publish some of your reviews in a book of amazon’s greatest reviews.” don’t expect anyone on the internet to be a genius or sarcastically hilarious.
lesson learned: don’t assume people are trying to be funny on the internet if they seem “brilliant.”
you should’ve said, “i want you to publish some of your reviews in a book of amazon’s greatest reviews.” don’t expect anyone on the internet to be a genius or sarcastically hilarious.
lesson learned: don’t assume people are trying to be funny on the internet if they seem “brilliant.”
I would buy a book of fake reviews of books that have never, do not now, and will not ever exist. It saves time.
I would buy a book of fake reviews of books that have never, do not now, and will not ever exist. It saves time.
Mr. Quickly made them up. He has currently 80 reviews on Amazon. I want to be his publisher. Calling out Mr. Quickly! email me here at the giant- for real.
Jensen- I worship this guy. I’m glad you love these as much as I do. I’ll maybe post more next week!
Also, I want to clarify- I don’t really think he was insulted that I thought his reviews were fake-that was a joke of MINE that maybe didn’t go over well. Sorry folks. I do my best.
this is hilarious. and a gift book of this sort of thing would definitely sell. i’m constantly surprised by how well mini gift books sell. and the crazy thing is people will throw down up to $9.95 for one because they’re small the price seems small, but people are less likely to spend the same amount on a bigger book. it’s a weird thing, but i see it every day.
this is hilarious. and a gift book of this sort of thing would definitely sell. i’m constantly surprised by how well mini gift books sell. and the crazy thing is people will throw down up to $9.95 for one because they’re small the price seems small, but people are less likely to spend the same amount on a bigger book. it’s a weird thing, but i see it every day.
Right? People like the book as “object”. If it’s little, it’s cute, like a little glass animal you put on your mantel.
yeah, mini objects hold a weird spell over the consumer. time to exploit it and get your piece of the pie!
yeah, mini objects hold a weird spell over the consumer. time to exploit it and get your piece of the pie!
you gotta love ‘stankrock.’
you gotta love ‘stankrock.’
you guys ever heard of kevin killian?
you guys ever heard of kevin killian?
yes! Dodie Bellamy’s husband? We were once in the same anthology and I thought he was the editor, not the contributor, and I kept bugging him to give me a copy. Oops. Anyway, he was nice about it, or someone who worked for him or something. that was ages ago.
stankrock is good.
“He put a single finger to his pursed lips, furrowed his brow, squatted, started walking around while squatting, and then eagerly said “let’s call it Michael Landon’s Rock.””
a walking while squatting father fron little house on the priaire- the image! fantastic-
morning pr,
kevin is one of amazon’s top reviewers…he’s done thousands of them…hooke press published a chapbook of his amazon reviews…
i think he’s in the top 100 reviewers of all time category…
here’s a link to his amazon reviews page…
http://www.amazon.com/gp/cdp/member-reviews/A30TK6U7DNS82R
and i’d really recommend his hooke press Selected Amazon Reviews found here http://www.hookepress.com/kevin.html
xoxo-john
morning pr,
kevin is one of amazon’s top reviewers…he’s done thousands of them…hooke press published a chapbook of his amazon reviews…
i think he’s in the top 100 reviewers of all time category…
here’s a link to his amazon reviews page…
http://www.amazon.com/gp/cdp/member-reviews/A30TK6U7DNS82R
and i’d really recommend his hooke press Selected Amazon Reviews found here http://www.hookepress.com/kevin.html
xoxo-john
Gulp. Excellence in tow!
Love these.
Gulp. Excellence in tow!
Love these.
Well, I can only take credit for finding them! But, Amy, I’d love to feature you in my new femme friday feature. You rock. I’ll be in touch via your website.
I was just thinking about this. My brother sent me the text to that fake Amazon review of the book The Secret.
Ryan Boudinot did not like a trash can:
90 of 90 people found the following review helpful:
1.0 out of 5 stars This garbage can can’t., August 30, 2000
At least when a book or CD is disappointing, you can perform the psychologically fulfilling act of “filing it in the round file” but when a garbage can itself fails to deliver, well, where do you throw it?
Here’s the real-life anecdote that inspired this review: I opened my Amazon shipment with glee, overjoyed at the prospect of never having to throw my kitchen byproducts into a leaky paper bag stashed under the sink anymore. Imagine! A lid that flips up with a quick depression of the foot! Prepared with a wadded up piece of paper to christen my brand-new, shiny garbage can, I stepped on the lever and the can fell on its side in seeming imitation to R2-D2 when he gets shot by jawas in Star Wars.
I soon discovered that the garbage can had to have sufficient ballast in it before it became operable, turning the disposal of household waste into a Catch-22. How was I supposed to fill the garbage can to the point where it was heavy enough not to fall over when I stepped on the lever, if the act of filling it to that point was impossible because it kept falling over?
When I throw away my garbage, I don’t want to be confronted by such conundrums. I just want a reliable place to stash coffee grounds and corn dog sticks. Sadly, this can didn’t do the job, so I’m returning it. Garbage in, garbage out.
I was just thinking about this. My brother sent me the text to that fake Amazon review of the book The Secret.
Ryan Boudinot did not like a trash can:
90 of 90 people found the following review helpful:
1.0 out of 5 stars This garbage can can’t., August 30, 2000
At least when a book or CD is disappointing, you can perform the psychologically fulfilling act of “filing it in the round file” but when a garbage can itself fails to deliver, well, where do you throw it?
Here’s the real-life anecdote that inspired this review: I opened my Amazon shipment with glee, overjoyed at the prospect of never having to throw my kitchen byproducts into a leaky paper bag stashed under the sink anymore. Imagine! A lid that flips up with a quick depression of the foot! Prepared with a wadded up piece of paper to christen my brand-new, shiny garbage can, I stepped on the lever and the can fell on its side in seeming imitation to R2-D2 when he gets shot by jawas in Star Wars.
I soon discovered that the garbage can had to have sufficient ballast in it before it became operable, turning the disposal of household waste into a Catch-22. How was I supposed to fill the garbage can to the point where it was heavy enough not to fall over when I stepped on the lever, if the act of filling it to that point was impossible because it kept falling over?
When I throw away my garbage, I don’t want to be confronted by such conundrums. I just want a reliable place to stash coffee grounds and corn dog sticks. Sadly, this can didn’t do the job, so I’m returning it. Garbage in, garbage out.
Matthew- because of your comment, I then looked up the secret on amazon and found THIS!
Please allow me to share with you how “The Secret” changed my life and in a very real and substantive way allowed me to overcome a severe crisis in my personal life. It is well known that the premise of “The Secret” is the science of attracting the things in life that you desire and need and in removing from your life those things that you don’t want. Before finding this book, I knew nothing of these principles, the process of positive visualization, and had actually engaged in reckless behaviors to the point of endangering my own life and wellbeing.
At age 36, I found myself in a medium security prison serving 3-5 years for destruction of government property and public intoxication. This was stiff punishment for drunkenly defecating in a mailbox but as the judge pointed out, this was my third conviction for the exact same crime. I obviously had an alcohol problem and a deep and intense disrespect for the postal system, but even more importantly I was ignoring the very fabric of our metaphysical reality and inviting destructive influences into my life.
My fourth day in prison was the first day that I was allowed in general population and while in the recreation yard I was approached by a prisoner named Marcus who calmly informed me that as a new prisoner I had been purchased by him for three packs of Winston cigarettes and 8 ounces of Pruno (prison wine). Marcus elaborated further that I could expect to be raped by him on a daily basis and that I had pretty eyes.
Needless to say, I was deeply shocked that my life had sunk to this level. Although I’ve never been homophobic I was discovering that I was very rape phobic and dismayed by my overall personal street value of roughly $15. I returned to my cell and sat very quietly, searching myself for answers on how I could improve my life and distance myself from harmful outside influences. At that point, in what I consider to be a miraculous moment, my cell mate Jim Norton informed me that he knew about the Marcus situation and that he had something that could solve my problems. He handed me a copy of “The Secret”. Normally I wouldn’t have turned to a self help book to resolve such a severe and immediate threat but I literally didn’t have any other available alternatives. I immediately opened the book and began to read.
The first few chapters deal with the essence of something called the “Law of Attraction” in which a primal universal force is available to us and can be harnessed for the betterment of our lives. The theoretical nature of the first few chapters wasn’t exactly putting me at peace. In fact, I had never meditated and had great difficulty with closing out the chaotic noises of the prison and visualizing the positive changes that I so dearly needed. It was when I reached Chapter 6 “The Secret to Relationships” that I realized how this book could help me distance myself from Marcus and his negative intentions. Starting with chapter six there was a cavity carved into the book and in that cavity was a prison shiv. This particular shiv was a toothbrush with a handle that had been repeatedly melted and ground into a razor sharp point.
The next day in the exercise yard I carried “The Secret” with me and when Marcus approached me I opened the book and stabbed him in the neck. The next eight weeks in solitary confinement provided ample time to practice positive visualization and the 16 hours per day of absolute darkness made visualization about the only thing that I actually could do. I’m not sure that everybody’s life will be changed in such a dramatic way by this book but I’m very thankful to have found it and will continue to recommend it heartily.
oops. it wasn’tkevin killian, it was kevin koyne. but yes, i’ve heard of killian and i love dodie’s book, barf manifesto.
That’s the one.
That’s the one.
It’s pretty great.
Nice! I wanna be a Femme Friday rep! I’ll look for your email, pr.
xo
Nice! I wanna be a Femme Friday rep! I’ll look for your email, pr.
xo
John! For some reason I didn’t see this until now! The embedded comments can get lost on me…
It means someone “did it” before me. Good for him, though. Excellent.
THANK YOU thank you thank you! This is great. I’m so buying his book.