Mr. Quickly: The Greatest Amazon Reviewer of all Time
Once, when I was desperately trying not to work on a novel, I spent a great deal of time on Amazon reading fake reviews. I discovered Mr. Quickly. I contacted him, asking him to work with me on a book of a collection of Amazon Reviews to be entitled, Fake Amazon Reviews. It would be a little “gift” book, something you pick up on your way out of the bookstore, a little slip of a book, right near the checkout. I think I insulted him by assuming his reviews were “fake”. Sigh. Mr. Quickly, if you are out there? I love you. Here are some of his great reviews:
Swiffer Wet Jet All-In-One Power Mop Starter Kit
This product is a good to initiate the mopping novice but for the real professional reading this review you’re going to want to remove most of your flooring in the kitchen and replace it with a mesh net and sturdy bracings. You will then place a removable tarp underneath the netting to catch everything you spill in the kitchen that sifts through the mesh, from cod batter mix, silica, phosphorus, anything you may be cooking with. It’s an unusual method, but you’ll find your floorspace much cleaner. And the tarp can be wrapped up without spilling it all over your basement. I like my basement clean because I have a vintage white rotary dial telephone collection there, one of North America’s foremost collections.
So this Swiffer, while it does remove some dirt, is by far one of the lesser methods.
And Ladies of The Club by Helen Hooven Santmyer
Helen ‘Hoof’ Santmyer, January 27, 2007 “…And Ladies of the Club” is a warm story. It follows a group of women who struggle to comprehend their place in a complicated world, finding solidarity amongst each other in a fellowship for women with club feet, the name of which gives this novel its title. One particular highlight is page 168 where the author describes the relapse of a club foot back to its starting position, calling it “a time-lapsed lilac closing in on itself as the sun sets, creaking.” Beautiful.
National Audubon Society Field Guide to North American Rocks and Minerals (National Audubon Society Field Guides), by NATIONAL AUDUBON SOCIETY
I’ve written to the National Audubon society and several geologists concerning an omission in this book.
I can’t remember when Michael Landon and I discovered our mutual love of geology, but it remained a constant in our friendship. Shortly before he began to film for his finest role as Jonathan Smith in “Highway to Heaven”, Michael Landon and I embarked upon a geological survey of Northern Canada. Using his celebrity influence, Michael Landon was granted a royal charter from Franz Joseph II, then Prince of Liechtenstein, to finance any mining capital should we discover a new gem to add to the Prince’s famous gem-trunk.
We eventually found a quiet piece of land within the traditional lands of the Nis’gl’t’k people. After spending seven months documenting and learning their language these gentle woodsfolk spoke to us of a cave famous in their stories for being the home of N’gaask’ul’k’ot, or “Gelman.” Instinctively, Michael Landon went there, to Gelman’s cave. He refused to use anything but a 10 inch hunting knife when quarrying. He furiously knifed at the cave wall for 4 or 6 hours without any apparent consistency to where his knife struck. Suddenly the cave stank. What was the smell? I followed Michael Landon’s eyes, and he was using them to look at a gem that lay before his fallow blade. We both knew what we had discovered, but we consulted our Audubon guide. It wasn’t listed. In his excitement, Michael Landon first suggested naming it “stinkrock”, then “stankrock” and finally “smellrock.” I took on a soothing tone to pacify him and delicately suggested we call it the “Landonquicklyite.” He put a single finger to his pursed lips, furrowed his brow, squatted, started walking around while squatting, and then eagerly said “let’s call it Michael Landon’s Rock.” Kenneth Waltz later characterised our relationship as having a power imbalance, probably a reason why the gem came to be known among us and in some geological circles as “michaellandonsrock.”
The unbearable weight of that memory is comparable to the 10 pounds of michaellandonsrock I carry with me every day. I even put it in the rock tumbler and it looks nice.
So, perhaps my review is biased, but I hope that in the future the Audubon Society will investigate my claim.
Burnt Toast: And Other Philosophies of Life, by Teri Hatcher
Sister’s Doing it For Themselves, July 3, 2006 While I’m not a single working mom, I actively enjoy the single working mom lifestyle. Reading this book I felt Teri to be a sister to me, and I a sister to her. Our childhood would have been one where I could look back fondly on the time we picked raspberries that one summer; the ambrosial jewels melting on our tongues as we bathed in the summer shade of a sycamore tree, the sun’s light ebbing in the East, and our conversation becoming a series of poems dedicated to life’s loves and losses. Mother would have corn pone, okra, alligator medallions and a rich heady jumbalaya cooking in the kitchen. The smell would waft through the neighborhood like a spectral madame from the deep South calling out our names. “Teri and her sister Mister Quickly” she would say with her dulcet Southern drawl.
Now Teri and I have all grown up. I find it easy to relate to the anecdotes about her being a busy mom, and also being single, because Lord help me – I know what that’s like! While I don’t have children in the traditional sense, I do have an active imagination and spend a lot a lot of time trying on women’s perfume and scrubbing the tub with Comet, something I’m sure Teri knows all about, because as sisters we love our perfume; yet we are also nagged with domestic responsibilities, like bleaching things and using ajax.
My favourite passage is on page 112 where Teri writes “No” at one point. To me that word sums up the point of this book: “No (to men that try to hold us back from being fabulous and doing it for ourselves).”