December 7th, 2009 / 6:12 pm
Random

We Are Not All Women Writer Mothers

women

Several months ago, I joined a new community for women writers, She Writes, and then I never really participated in the site because with all the networking sites out there, I had a difficult time justifying the investment of my time into yet another social networking site.

The interface is a bit bewildering and chaotic but for the most part, the site seems interesting and offers resources and an active community for women writers. There’s a store selling the books of the site’s members, a blog, many different groups catering to many interests and occasional webinars where experts lead workshops and discussions on topics ranging from finding an agent to self-marketing. The eager, extremely instructive/self-help tone of the site seems to juxtapose awkwardly with the genuine depth of talent of many of the site’s members—many of the instructional efforts seem to be in the vein of preaching to the choir.

I understand why women who write would want to create a supportive community where they can talk about writing and the constraints women face as writers but at the same time, I am conflicted. The site, by its very nature demands that as women we place our gender before our writing.  The phenomenon of placing a label before the word writer seems to be an unfortunate but inevitable side effect of being a writer who is not a white man. We’re not going to see a He Writes website any time soon, are we?

I’ve also noticed that if you’re a “Woman Writer” that condition is synonymous with “Mommy Writer.” I have nothing against mommies. Mine is fantastic and I know many wonderful mothers and I will some day become a mother if I can overcome a crippling case of selfishness. However, I am not now a mother and I am consistently troubled that the primary conversation about women as writers is consistently tied to motherhood and making time to nurture writing while also nurturing children. That seems almost ironic to me and rather myopic that we cannot discuss gender and writing without reducing women to our wombs.

Women writers who are mothers do struggle to make the time to write. They struggle with feelings of guilt when they write, feeling that such time might be better spent on their children, homes, husbands, or partners. In September, we had a very interesting discussion about this very subject on the PANK blog. I have to believe, though, that there are women writers who are mothers who don’t primarily define themselves as Mommy Writers—that there are women who write who happen to be mothers and that these women are interested in talking about matters of craft in addition to or rather than matters of maternity. In 2005, Ayelet Waldman wrote in the New York Times Modern Love column that she loved her husband more than her children and the small segment of the world who cares about such things collectively gasped at the very notion of a woman who did not put her children at the center of her universe. I have no doubt Waldman knew she was being salacious when she made her comments but at least she had the moxie to state something that in some small way defied convention.

It is incredibly important for sites like SheWrites to exist and to encourage conversations about women as writers and writing but I also believe that those conversations don’t have to be grounded solely in womanhood or motherhood. I also wonder how we might move toward focusing more on matters of craft and publishing without ignoring womanhood.

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50 Comments

  1. sasha fletcher
  2. sasha fletcher
  3. Tim Jones-Yelvington

      This is interesting. …I find it odd-ish that they both see the category of “woman” as primarily biological. Academic feminists have been differentiating biological sex from socially constructed gender from individual gender identity and expression for so long (and in the queer activist communities I’m a part of, this is also generally how people talk about gender and gender identity, as not automatically corresponding with biological sex) it always surprises me a little these distinctions are not more widely acknowledged. I don’t think I agree w/ Manguso that “woman” is primarily a biological category (“‘Jewish’ is a category of civilization, culture, and intellect, and ‘woman’ is a category of anatomy and physiology.”) … “woman” is profoundly a cultural category… one that involves a lot of notions about the body, ways we understand bodies and interpret bodies culturally. …Actually, it seems like all the tensions the two women are discussing just underscore all the cultural baggage (and also ideas that mean a great deal to people, like Zucker’s notions of motherhood) that accompanies the term. …What also seems strange to me is this statement of Manguso’s: “The body absolutely determines the course of our species, but not necessarily the course of the individual.” …I would understand this statement if it began, “Our expectations of the body…” or “Dominant cultural assumptions about the body…” …which I think may be what she is arguing… but I do not understand how individuals’ experiences can possibly not involve their bodies… perhaps individuals do not experience their bodies according to cultural scripts or norms or assumptions, but where else are my experiences, thoughts, emotions, feelings located if not in my body? ….even to be disassociated from one’s body (for instance, if because the culture associates one’s body with childbirth against their will they begin to distance themselves from their body psychologically), is a kind of embodied experience, isn’t it?

  4. Tim Jones-Yelvington

      This is interesting. …I find it odd-ish that they both see the category of “woman” as primarily biological. Academic feminists have been differentiating biological sex from socially constructed gender from individual gender identity and expression for so long (and in the queer activist communities I’m a part of, this is also generally how people talk about gender and gender identity, as not automatically corresponding with biological sex) it always surprises me a little these distinctions are not more widely acknowledged. I don’t think I agree w/ Manguso that “woman” is primarily a biological category (“‘Jewish’ is a category of civilization, culture, and intellect, and ‘woman’ is a category of anatomy and physiology.”) … “woman” is profoundly a cultural category… one that involves a lot of notions about the body, ways we understand bodies and interpret bodies culturally. …Actually, it seems like all the tensions the two women are discussing just underscore all the cultural baggage (and also ideas that mean a great deal to people, like Zucker’s notions of motherhood) that accompanies the term. …What also seems strange to me is this statement of Manguso’s: “The body absolutely determines the course of our species, but not necessarily the course of the individual.” …I would understand this statement if it began, “Our expectations of the body…” or “Dominant cultural assumptions about the body…” …which I think may be what she is arguing… but I do not understand how individuals’ experiences can possibly not involve their bodies… perhaps individuals do not experience their bodies according to cultural scripts or norms or assumptions, but where else are my experiences, thoughts, emotions, feelings located if not in my body? ….even to be disassociated from one’s body (for instance, if because the culture associates one’s body with childbirth against their will they begin to distance themselves from their body psychologically), is a kind of embodied experience, isn’t it?

  5. Lincoln

      I think a lot of people would say man/woman are terms for biological sex while male/female are terms for gender. Which is why you might see a transexual say “I was born a woman but my brain is male”

  6. Lincoln

      I think a lot of people would say man/woman are terms for biological sex while male/female are terms for gender. Which is why you might see a transexual say “I was born a woman but my brain is male”

  7. Gene Morgan

      I see myself as a “daddy” writer. I’m an at-home dad, and I’ve put most of my writing plans on hold to give my attention to the babies. I need a support group.

  8. Gene Morgan

      I see myself as a “daddy” writer. I’m an at-home dad, and I’ve put most of my writing plans on hold to give my attention to the babies. I need a support group.

  9. Laura van den Berg

      Roxane, I totally second your points/questions in this post. I’ve been trying to get more into SheWrites—which, undoubtedly, has a lot of offer—lately and have been struck by the same thing.

  10. Laura van den Berg

      Roxane, I totally second your points/questions in this post. I’ve been trying to get more into SheWrites—which, undoubtedly, has a lot of offer—lately and have been struck by the same thing.

  11. jensen

      i’ll be in your group, gene! daddy writer here too.

  12. jensen

      i’ll be in your group, gene! daddy writer here too.

  13. Nicolle Elizabeth

      how does the movie so i married an axe murderer factor into this?

  14. Nicolle Elizabeth

      how does the movie so i married an axe murderer factor into this?

  15. Amber

      Roxane, I’m so glad you wrote this. I’m not a mother, but I can tell you right now that when my husband and I do have kids, I will sock anyone who suddenly identifies me as a “Mom” and not a woman, a writer, an artist, an activist, or whatever else. I find this attitude totally anti-feminist and so un-empowering and demeaning–and not just for women, but it also seems to downplay or negate the father’s contributions to the kids’ upbringing.

      I wanted to find Ayelet Waldman and buy her several drinks after that uproar. Not only was I so glad she said what she did (because I’ve always felt the same way) but I’m greatful because I feel like she really helped open the door for this conversation. And thank god, it seems that a lot of women of my generation–and men–feel the same way that I do.

  16. Amber

      Roxane, I’m so glad you wrote this. I’m not a mother, but I can tell you right now that when my husband and I do have kids, I will sock anyone who suddenly identifies me as a “Mom” and not a woman, a writer, an artist, an activist, or whatever else. I find this attitude totally anti-feminist and so un-empowering and demeaning–and not just for women, but it also seems to downplay or negate the father’s contributions to the kids’ upbringing.

      I wanted to find Ayelet Waldman and buy her several drinks after that uproar. Not only was I so glad she said what she did (because I’ve always felt the same way) but I’m greatful because I feel like she really helped open the door for this conversation. And thank god, it seems that a lot of women of my generation–and men–feel the same way that I do.

  17. Roxane Gay

      He Writes! But yeah, it is really interesting how so rarely does any sort of conversation about parenting and writing include fathers. Y’all get screwed.

  18. Roxane Gay

      He Writes! But yeah, it is really interesting how so rarely does any sort of conversation about parenting and writing include fathers. Y’all get screwed.

  19. m
  20. Roxane Gay

      I’m glad to hear it’s not just me because I too think the site has a lot to offer but every time I revisit SheWrites, I feel like I should staple my uterus to my forehead first or something.

  21. m
  22. Roxane Gay

      I’m glad to hear it’s not just me because I too think the site has a lot to offer but every time I revisit SheWrites, I feel like I should staple my uterus to my forehead first or something.

  23. Roxane Gay

      I loved Waldman’s essay when it first came out and yes I do think she voiced what many many men and women do feel. This cult of the child as the alpha and the omega is… a little disturbing.

  24. Roxane Gay

      Thanks for the link. That is interesting.

  25. Roxane Gay

      I loved Waldman’s essay when it first came out and yes I do think she voiced what many many men and women do feel. This cult of the child as the alpha and the omega is… a little disturbing.

  26. Roxane Gay

      Thanks for the link. That is interesting.

  27. Amber

      Oh, my god. I didn’t think it was possible for to dislike that idiot any more than than I already did–I was wrong. What an idiot. Thanks for posting–I hadn’t seen this.

  28. Amber

      Oh, my god. I didn’t think it was possible for to dislike that idiot any more than than I already did–I was wrong. What an idiot. Thanks for posting–I hadn’t seen this.

  29. Ethel Rohan

      Excellent post, Roxane. Hear, hear.

  30. Ethel Rohan

      Excellent post, Roxane. Hear, hear.

  31. Angi

      I think if you talk about “women writers” as a group, as in what are some reasons there might be fewer of us, etc., it’s impossible to completely dismiss motherhood as something that impacts that demographic. But then even from that perspective, I’m far more interested in the societal structures, unrelated to the writing community, that can make something like writing and motherhood feel incompatible or problematic.

      On an individual level, though, I certainly have zero desire to be labeled a “Mommy Writer,” and it’s sure not a universal category that can be applied to all woman writers.

  32. Angi

      I think if you talk about “women writers” as a group, as in what are some reasons there might be fewer of us, etc., it’s impossible to completely dismiss motherhood as something that impacts that demographic. But then even from that perspective, I’m far more interested in the societal structures, unrelated to the writing community, that can make something like writing and motherhood feel incompatible or problematic.

      On an individual level, though, I certainly have zero desire to be labeled a “Mommy Writer,” and it’s sure not a universal category that can be applied to all woman writers.

  33. Roxane Gay

      Definitely. Motherhood cannot nor should not be dismissed but it can’t be the only conversation.

  34. Roxane Gay

      Definitely. Motherhood cannot nor should not be dismissed but it can’t be the only conversation.

  35. Gene Morgan

      I’m used to it. I get weird looks if it’s just me and my kid out running errands.

      Society has put the exact opposite kind of pressure on me, I feel guilty for NOT writing or working much and instead spending time with my children.

  36. Gene Morgan

      I’m used to it. I get weird looks if it’s just me and my kid out running errands.

      Society has put the exact opposite kind of pressure on me, I feel guilty for NOT writing or working much and instead spending time with my children.

  37. Gene Morgan

      Should we do a group blog?

  38. Gene Morgan

      Should we do a group blog?

  39. sasha fletcher

      tim, for more of an insight on manguso’s views of the body, i’d read her memoir.

  40. sasha fletcher

      tim, for more of an insight on manguso’s views of the body, i’d read her memoir.

  41. Tim Jones-Yelvington

      cool, may do so. she seems fascinating.

  42. Tim Jones-Yelvington

      cool, may do so. she seems fascinating.

  43. Tim Jones-Yelvington

      I am also a fan of the mother who let her child ride the NYC bus.

  44. Tim Jones-Yelvington

      I am also a fan of the mother who let her child ride the NYC bus.

  45. Amber

      Me too! I loved that. My husband and I have decided that when we have kids, we’re going to raise them 50s style: they’ll have their own lives, we’ll have ours, and occasionally we’ll all meet up and have drinks together. (Shirley Temples for the children, of course.)

      Of course, I say this now…but ask me in 10 years and I’ll probably be a neurotic basket case.

  46. Amber

      Me too! I loved that. My husband and I have decided that when we have kids, we’re going to raise them 50s style: they’ll have their own lives, we’ll have ours, and occasionally we’ll all meet up and have drinks together. (Shirley Temples for the children, of course.)

      Of course, I say this now…but ask me in 10 years and I’ll probably be a neurotic basket case.

  47. sasha fletcher

      she is. and i think she’s a goddam great writer.

  48. sasha fletcher

      she is. and i think she’s a goddam great writer.

  49. Kamy Wicoff

      Dear Roxane — I am so glad you posted this, and that you are calling attention to these questions on She Writes. I think you know we launched very recently, and are still finding our way. This kind of feedback and critique is exactly what we need. You have inspired me to do a post about the “she” question and the “mommy” issue in the New Year (don’t want it to go missing in our buy-books-by-women holiday drive on December 18th), and would love it if you would consider posting something too, to help spark conversation and debate. This post is excellent, by the way, if you would consider sharing it with us for the main page of She Writes. I’m sorry you left the community, and only hope that you will consider helping us grow and thrive with conscious intent and thoughtful inclusion; something we can’t do if we lose members like you.

      Kamy

  50. Kamy Wicoff

      Dear Roxane — I am so glad you posted this, and that you are calling attention to these questions on She Writes. I think you know we launched very recently, and are still finding our way. This kind of feedback and critique is exactly what we need. You have inspired me to do a post about the “she” question and the “mommy” issue in the New Year (don’t want it to go missing in our buy-books-by-women holiday drive on December 18th), and would love it if you would consider posting something too, to help spark conversation and debate. This post is excellent, by the way, if you would consider sharing it with us for the main page of She Writes. I’m sorry you left the community, and only hope that you will consider helping us grow and thrive with conscious intent and thoughtful inclusion; something we can’t do if we lose members like you.

      Kamy