I find that you wake up in the morning and the first thing you want is some alcohol.

I think that it’s bigoted of farmers to get up so early.

What I really meant to say was that I felt doomed and damaged, defective, disabled, and depressed.

On a practical note, I did find that switching from cold lemonade to hot and back again alleviated the mounting boredom.

And what does butter taste like?

What we need is a system of graduated fines and perhaps short jail sentences to discourage the production of totally depressing baked goods.

Grease is good. Grease works.

Yes, we had drunk a nicotine solution in our cocktails.

The Greek are really good at white statues.

People from Colorado are like cholesterol, blocking our city’s arteries.

One snowy afternoon I found myself alone in a room with four pounds of pork.

But I’d had a huge lunch, you know?

What’s so bad about addiction? I can’t remember. Isn’t it something about giving up your freedom? Isn’t freedom an illusion?

Her Pineapple Salad Surprise contains ketchup, fat-free Miracle Whip, lobsters, and Cointreau.

Oh, are you an MSG crybaby?

I apologize for not completing the fast in a responsible and instructive manner.