MERCEDES S SERIES COUPE 2012 

I SEE THIS SHIT ON BUSHWICK AVE; NOTICE THE V12(?) ENGINE DECAL AND HOW FUCKING SMOOTH IT HOVERS AT THE CURB BELOW THE OLD GREYSTONES NEAR MYRTLE. IS IT A DRUG THING OR JUST A BAVARIAN STEEL LOVER, WHO WENT ALL IN? WHO KNOWS? WHO CARES? – IT’S A HEAVY PUSHED-OUT RIDE. YOU IMAGINE THE STREETLIGHTS BOUNCING OFF THE BUBBLE GLASS EVEN WHEN IT’S STANDING STILL.

CHRYSLER 300 2006-2014 (Above)

EVERY DAMN MODEL YEAR THIS ONE GETS MORE LEGIT. PEOPLE LOVE THIS CAR FOR IT’S BULK, I GUESS. THE WHOLE THING LOOKS HEAVY, SERIOUS, AND A LITTLE BIT BAT MOBILE. YOU SEE EM WITH THE MATTE BLACK RIMS. YOU SEE EM WITH THE AFTERMARKET BENTLY GRILL. THEY ROLL REAL SLOW AND PARK REAL NICE. JOHN VARVATOS EDITION WHO? I GUESS PEOPLE ROLL THROUGH IN THE DODGE VERSION OF THIS, THE CHARGER, BUT IT’S NOT REALLY MY PREFERENCE AND SEEMS WAY WAY LESS EMPIRE STATE OF MIND.

NISSAN MAXIMA 2004-

THIS IS ANOTHER BIG CAR WITH A EVEN WIDER APPEAL THAN THE RECENT FLOOD OF CHRYSLERS, I GUESS BECAUSE IT’S CHEAP? POPULARITY REMINDS ME OF LIKE… A CAMRY IN THE MID 90S. I GUESS IT’S PRACTICAL FOR A LARGER CAR BUT IT STILL HAS A LITTLE FLAIRE. SOME OF THE MODEL YEARS LOOK BETTER THAN OTHERS, ESPECIALLY IN THE FRONT HOOD REGION. ONE HOOD SORT OF LOOKS INSPIRED BY THAT SUPER UGLY HONDA ACCORD FROM 2005-ISH, WHICH SUCKS I GUESS. I’D SCOOP UP ON OF THESE IF I COULD GET LOW MILES AND A CLEAN TITLE. IT WOULD BLEND IN LIKE CAMO IN A PET STORE.

NISSAN ALTIMA 2004-

THIS IS LIKE THE LITTLE COUSIN OF THE MAXIMA I GUESS. THEY BOTH V BOXY IN THE ASS REGION. TAIL LIGHTS LOOK WIDE-OPEN STONED. ONE ON MY BLOCK HAS THE MATTE SLATE RIMS THAT LOOK REALLY REALLY TRANFORMERS. THERE MUST BE HELLA NISSAN DEALERS IN QUEENS, IS ALL I CAN SAY.

HONDA CIVIC 1994-2002 

THE THING I THINK OF WHEN EVER I SEE A CAR THIS SIZE, AND FROM THIS ERA COME SPEEDING AT ME WHILE I’M WALKING TO WORK “BOUT TO HEAR SOME DRAKE ON THE STERO, HOPE I DON’T DIE TO THAT NOISE.” I LOVE DRAKE BUT LIKE..

DODGE CHALLENGER 2006-2014

THESE LOOK BIG AND SCARY. THE FRONT END ABOUT TO SUCK YOU IN AND DUMP THE BODY IN GOWANUS. THEY AREN’T EVEN THAT EXPENSIVE TO BUY, THOUGH I THINK THEIR EXTREME POPULARITY AND THE FACT THAT THEY ARE A VISUAL COPY OF THE ORIGINAL 70S CHALLENGERS MAKES THEM SORT OF ANNOYING. REAL ANONYMOUS IN LOUD SORT OF WAY. THE ONE THAT CAME UP ALOT IN THE MOVIE DRIVE MADE ME LIKE THEM MORE, IN A SORT OF VIOLENT POINTLESS WAY. IT SEEMS LIKE A KILLER’S RIDE, BUT FROM ANOTHER ERA, WHEN KILLERS HAD MORE STYLE THAN SENSE.

WACK-ASS LARGE CROSSOVERS OWNED BY DADS (MERCEDES, VOLO, CHEVY, CHRYSLER NISSAN) 2005-

I SEE A LOT OF THESE CRAZY UGLY CARS THAT LOOK LIKE A DUMB BAVARIAN TRIED TO MAKE A SUBARU FROM A LEGO MODEL. IT’S LIKE A DAD COULDN’T MAKE UP HIS MIND SO HE GOT THE MIDDLE CAR THAT DIDN’T REALLY HAVE A SHAPE OF ITS OWN. EVERY CAR COMPANY TRIES TO MAKE THESE COOL AND NORMAL. THE HONDA CRV IS OK I GUESS. USEFUL, IF SHITTY LOOKING. THE WORST IS THE GIANT SLOPPY LOOKING PORSCHE. I WOULDN’T EVEN DRIVE THAT THING TO NIGHTGAME. MY SKIN CRAWLS.

BUICK RIVIERA 2000-2004

I HAVEN’T EVEN SEEN ONE OF THESE, TBH. THEY AREN’T REAL COMMON BUT THE SHAPE IS PURE TURN-OF-THE-MILLENIA AND I WANT ONE. THEY ARE LIK 7K ON EBAY. THEY ARE TOO BIG, THE ENGINE IS TOO BIG, BUT THEY LOOK LIKE SOME SHIT FROM THE 5TH ELEMENT SO I’D GO DOWN ON ONE.