Some positive notes I made editing the final version of Mathias Svalina’s I AM A VERY PRODUCTIVE ENTREPRENEUR (Mud Luscious Press, July 2011)

Fuck I love how you write things like this

Kills me – fantastic as all get out

Cripes. I couldn’t love these phrases more

Fuck. YES.

YESSSSS

Hilarious

I feel like this section in particular really speaks to the whole of the book, underneath the clever disguises

Lovely

Shit. Brilliant

Some critical notes I made editing the final version of Mathias Svalina’s I AM A VERY PRODUCTIVE ENTREPRENEUR (Mud Luscious Press, July 2011):

I’m just not sure this fits with the overall manuscript, though it is funny

I’m not sure about this ending – maybe just end with ‘Leave the aftertaste of epiphany to us.’ It just feels a bit undone by the last sentences here, highlighting the failure a bit too abruptly?

Can we cut this? I like how this fragmented piece would fall on its own, without showcasing the failure

For me, if ‘flesh’ was replaced with something intangible, something that could not be held, this business would have a great impact. As it sits now, I worry that it seems only meant for reaction. Maybe ‘clouds’ or ‘sky’ based on the opening businesses?

How are you feeling about this one? Seems like it either needs to be cut or expanded at least slightly – thoughts?

I feel like this word in the phrase needs something else to connect with

Should we cut these two paragraphs? After reading the whole entry here, these two graphs seem unimportant and perhaps a slight brake to the action / reading.

Is this paragraph necessary? It seems like the previous has better resolve and I wonder about the monetary aspect opened here, so late in the piece…

I worry about the soap-opera, cliff-hanger type feel here – that it perhaps leads off the cliff a bit too much, needs to be more concrete in either what happened, or what didn’t, or not say a word about it – you know?

Maybe think about cutting this?

Cut this one maybe? Doesn’t hold the weight it should (maybe). What do you think?

Is this paragraph necessary? I like the flow better without it here

Cut maybe? Doesn’t seem to have the same impact as the previous one….maybe if they were something more pressing and thick?

Here too, it just seems strange to juxtapose the wacky with the sincerely pulsing

I like and don’t like this line – it seems to call out when it shouldn’t but the passage doesn’t read right for me without it

Could this be added into the first paragraph, so that we could end with the amazing ‘clavicle’ line?

I’m having trouble with this last one – I love the last two paragraphs, but they seem a little distant from the start of this one – could this be revised? It is the end of the whole book, so I want it to sing, to be clever as all the others but to really hit home as well, like the last two paragraphs do, you know?