November 21st, 2011 / 5:43 pm
Behind the Scenes & Vicarious MFA

how to snort an owl

For many years my doctor has prescribed owls to me in pill form to help me cope with the mental disorder of my personality. He said, “Swallowing owl pills will help you not suffer as much attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder. Owls are composed of a number of amphetamine salts that are thought to increase the amount of dopamine in the brain. Like many stimulants owls affect the area of the brain that controls the amount of rewards or pleasures you are capable of feeling. Sometimes after I ingest an owl I experience a psychological positive value that is beyond any positive value I have ever experienced from the natural pleasure systems of eating, drinking, fighting, or doing sexual movements. Recently, I have been under a lot of stress. My throat has been really dry and it has been very difficult for me to swallow the full grown owls my doctor has prescribed. As a result, I’ve had to develop a new system of ingestion that involves snorting the owl.

First, I either remove the left eyeball of my owl with a breast milk pump or I remove the owl’s entire head by giving it so much love its head pops off. Once the head or eyeball is removed, I pour the insides of the owl into a large bowl. Next, it is important to separate the yolk of the owl from the rest of the innards. It’s important to not break the yolk. Also, if you want, take the non-yolk innards and spray paint them white. Then when the paint dries, grind these innards into a fine dust. Take this product to a local school and sell it as industrial strength lime for lawn treatment purposes. No one will be able to notice the difference. After the yolk has been removed from the owl innards hire a small obedient dog. Place the yolk in the dog’s mouth and tell it not to swallow for at least twenty-four hours. While the yolk is in the small obedient dog’s mouth you can take the empty owl shell and fill it with bird seed. Hang it outside from a tree and watch the squirrels and raccoons eat from it. When the yolk has spent twelve to eighteen hours in a small obedient dog’s mouth then it should be hardened into what can be described at a yolk brick. You’ll next want to find a graduate student who is good at fractal geometry and ask them to give you a equation that will turn the yolk brick into forty thousand equally-sized pebbles of owl yolk. When the yolk brick has been reduced to a fine powder you can now ingest it with your nose. After you have ingested it with your nose then you should call your friends and tell them you have owl in your brain and you want to have stimulating conversations. Your friends will want to have stimulating conversations with you while you are on owl because you are better on owl then when you are not on owl.

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  1. shaun gannon

      nono dont eat owl pellets thats something different

  2. Shannon

      This makes me want to be on owl.

  3. MJ


  4. Leapsloth14

      I’d actually like to see more active satirist. Even Saunders is getting Get Off My Lawn.

  5. MJ

      No, I think Sean L really means to say is…


  6. Anonymous

  7. Phil Phillips

      With all the bizarre shit on the internet I very rarely find something that makes me think “…WOW… what the fuck is this???”. This did. Congratulations.

  8. Anonymous
  9. Things to read on the internets. With some calls for submission. « About that Writing thing.

      […] This piece over at HTMLGiant is weird and wonderful. I’ve read it four or five times and it just pleases me. Tickles me. […]

  10. paige

      this is so good, actually

  11. D. Oliver

      I… well, I have to contribute this. I must. I’m not sorry.