March 19th, 2011 / 6:12 pm


So Ken Baumann (author of the forthcoming Solip from Tyrant Books in 2012; congrats Ken!) accidentally bought two copies of Jason Bredle’s heart-sifting and twisting Smiles of the Unstoppable. When I offered to refund the extra money, he generously suggested I give the extra copy away on HTMLGIANT, which brings us to the pumpkin below this paragraph. See, I wanted to do a caption contest where I posted a picture of Ken smiling, but for some reason I found this picture of a pumpkin, which was actually even better than a picture of Ken getting Lasik surgery.

Here’s the contest: Post a caption to this pumpkin smile picture in the comments. Best 2 captions win copies of Smiles of the Unstoppable. Deadline: next Friday, March 25th. Very easy. Bonus points if Ken/Jason are somehow involved in an adventure with the pumpkin. See the picture, amplify your best/Jimmy Cheniest wit, and win some terrific poetry. Also you can go see Jason Bredle read at the Tucson Lit Press Fest on the 26th of March. So my best suggestion is to win this book, read some poems from it to your rich lover, and have your rich lover swoon so hard they buy you a ticket to Tucson. Duh. Very easy. Ready set go. If you need further convincing, read Jason’s poem “Moby Dick” below the jump, originally published at Ken’s No Posit.


An orgy will never save a relationship,
it can only enhance an already meaningful relationship
is a sentence I hope to use someday, either to console a friend
who considers taking his wife to an orgy
a way of saving his failing marriage
or to convince the person I love
that our relationship
is so meaningful that to participate in an orgy
would only enhance what we already have.
It would! It so really would!
Justin’s situation is completely different!
They’re unhappy and doomed to divorce but us,
us! Look at us!
We’re mature enough and comfortable enough
that we should finally take this relationship to the next level
and embark, together, upon the sea
of naked, writhing bodies
lying before us!
Let us be hypnotized by their ebb and flow,
let their intermingling moans of ecstasy lull us to nudity,
guide our groping hands to unfathomable pleasures unknown!
Yes, these are uncharted waters, and yes,
we may encounter
beasts unspeakable, sea serpents and kraken
and the like, and we may encounter pirates deplorable
and hardships yet seen by man, but our captain
is of pegged leg, parroted shoulder and strong will
and our first mate
knows of debaucheries incomprehensible
and they assure me
that there will be raunch, oh yes,
and fleshly sensations beyond mere words,
beyond our wildest dreams even, if we embark together
upon this voyage to the undiscovered land
of hedonistic bliss
is what I said to you the day we met for lunch
three summers ago and talked about our future together.
I still remember the enormous sense of joy I felt when I left—
how we were totally going to put the past behind us,
move to Los Angeles,
and above all else, make this thing work.

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  1. Jeremy Bauer

      “In old country, I vas kegel instructor.”

  2. Frank Tas, the Raptor

      Yeah, my dad is still looking for work ever since Michael’s let him go. What makes you ask?

  3. Tummler

      “Test-selling” your manuscript on Lulu is totally going to be worth it when you actually start sending the book out to publishers. Now why would I lie to you?

  4. Mmm

      “It always makes me sad when I have to tell people that I’m not a lawyer.”

  5. Frank Tas, the Raptor

      I can’t wait to win my bok this choy of mine has been getting pretty lonely.

  6. Mike Young

      ha, nice catch

  7. Anonymous
  8. Anonymous
  9. Ja Rule

      “Happy Halloween”

  10. Anonymous
  11. skauffy

      it is hard to have a carved face when you are not hollow too

  12. michelle

      I think we met at that key party. How long has it been?

  13. Noah

      and inside the smile
      a museum of prosthetic arms
      dangling with the spirit of a left-handed knuckleballer.

  14. Joseph Young

      Wow, Ben, you’ve aged since last season.

  15. Charles

      No, it’s not my kid

  16. Trey

      Pictured: Jason Bredle’s O face

  17. Ckhutchins

      The Unstoppable Smile of Nolips

  18. Ted


  19. jonny

      “heeeere’s pumpkinhead!”

  20. Sean

      I just bought this because I like the vomit kid, though someone told me he’s only bobbing.

  21. m4rk

      “Ken, don’t take this the wrong way, but The Captain and I decided it would be best if you didn’t attend the orgy this weekend. Of course, your wife’s still welcome to come!”

  22. deadgod


  23. deadgod


  24. Anonymous
  25. Anonymous

  26. tf

      “Stoop to what Ken? This is Los Angeles!”

  27. bollo

      if you thought that last fart was bad wait till you smell the one im brewing up right now!


      […] to convince us that thirty-degree sunlight passes for bloomage. Which must mean the winners of the unstoppable smiles pumpkin caption contest are: Jeremy Bauer, Ted Powers, and Noah Falck. I know I said I’d only pick two, but I liked […]

  29. Nathan Blake

      It’s ok. I’m a youth pastor.

  30. Sean Lovelace reviews Jason Bredle | Sean Blog: Nachos Miles Hack Disc Clank

      […] the book, not those asses at HTML Giant who kept kicking the book around like a tennis ball, bop to bop, fleckled blows of ass, etc. Usually it is HTML. I buy a lot of books because I read about them on […]