[matchup #43 in Tournament of Bookshit]

“short-short” referring to whiskey consumption

 

A “short-short” when referring to whiskey consumption is when a short person is drinking from a short glass of whiskey. The short person is almost always less than four feet tall and the glass must only be a shot glass but they sip from it, so it’s like a regular glass for them. Often times the short person is also wearing really short shorts but just like the glass, the shortness of the shorts looks normal against the scale of the short person. When the short person is a woman drinking from a short glass of whiskey, they are called a “short-shorty” (see also: Dr. Ruth (http://drruth.com/)). It’s recommended that you know the “short-shorty” before calling her this, as short women are habitually feisty and like to climb things. “Short-shorties” tend to get drunk rather quickly, so if you are looking to hook up with a “short-shortie”, its best if you holler right at or before her third drink.

 

The first recorded “short-short” was a man named Carrey O’Carroll in 1542. O’Carroll was 14 when he traveled from Ireland to work in the court of King Henry VIII of England as the official merkin adjuster of the Queen’s ladies-in-waiting. A few historians have disputed that he is the real father of Queen Elizabeth I but others say she may be too tall to be his. He is also credited as the creator of the “body shot” as he frequently spilled his whiskey on the women whose merkins he adjusted. Later descendants of O’Carroll were known to have perfected a method of distilling rye that yielded 273 proof scotch, but after several “short-shorties” drank the beverage and went blind, the method was quickly abandoned. 

 

Only one “short-short” has been recorded in literary history and that was after James Joyce challenged a catholic priest, known by his parishioners as Wee-Father Malony, to a drink off. Although there has been much written on the accuracy of this story, patrons of the bar claimed that Wee-Father Malony came from a long line of “short-short” drinkers. Skilled in the various methods of drinking as a “short-short,” it was in the seventh round that Wee-Father Malony began to out-drink Joyce. It is said that Joyce became very frustrated during rounds seven though 53 and demanded that the neighborhood cat to be brought to him as a source of comfort. The cat was quickly found and brought to Joyce but not in time as Wee-Father Malony took the last drink before Joyce passed out. Wee-Father Malony took the cat as his prize and soon after the competition Joyce renounced the Catholic Church.

 

“curating” a reading series

 

The word curate originates from the Latin cura meaning “care” and a curator is a person who manages and cares for things. I know this because I “curate” stuff on a daily basis. In fact, I’ve been “curating” things since I was five years old and I feel like on most days I can sit back and say, “good curating” and it feels completely true. There are so many objects in my life and I “curate” them so well. I hand pick all of them specifically for their robust colors, textures, flavors, and smells. Sometimes I even call my best friend and tell her about all of the special things I took care of and put together for other people to see that day and she always tells me, “Good job. You select the best things!” and this is how I know I am a great “curator.”

 

In case you doubt my “curating” skills, here is a list of things I “curated” today:

 

My teeth (I brush them all the time)

 

The instant pack of oatmeal I made for breakfast

 

The coffee pot at work

 

My cats

 

The shoes I’m wearing

 

The underwear I’m wearing (Not my clothes, my cats curate those but I curate them, so it’s cool).

 

The music in my iPhone

 

The number of exclamation points I use in work emails

 

The guy I paid to mow the lawn

 

My Etsy favorites list

 

Dinner

 

People may say that you can’t curate everything, but what do they know? You can curate all sorts of things, you can even curate people. People are just like animals or a collection of spoons! I curated the line outside of Wal-Mart last Friday morning and it was one of the best things I’ve ever curated. People are like colorful globs of things that need to be arranged and ordered. They need to be shared in the best possible combinations so that other people can enjoy them and those people whose palettes are better than other people’s need to be celebrated, they need to be called curators. People curators! And it’s not that us people curaters are insecure or narcissistic, it’s that we know how important our job of putting people together is and we want you to know it too. It’s important that you know it, even more important than you knowing who the people we are curating are!

 

—

 

Since this is not-quite Mean Week, I will give my points to the least obnoxious of these two (or to the shortest man at the bar).

– Kirby Johnson

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WINNER: the “short-short” referring to whiskey

Tags: curation, Whiskey