December 26th, 2009 / 10:26 pm
Craft Notes
Matthew Simmons
Craft Notes
Funny peculiar?
I tried to write a couple of jokes for a friend of mine who is a stand-up. Here’s one: You know, with all the sneaking around in the dark, the shouting, and the forcible sodomy, a home invasion robbery is pretty much exactly like a surprise birthday party. Except without cake.
Hmmm. As I said, I tried.
Ever try to write a joke? Let’s hear it.
Tags: Jokes, trying new things
Here it is:
What’s the different between a duck?
(Ok. I didn’t write that. My friend Mark did, but I wish I had.)
Here it is:
What’s the different between a duck?
(Ok. I didn’t write that. My friend Mark did, but I wish I had.)
my sister and i used to tell each other jokes back and forth. dunno if i made this up, or if she did, or if we both got it from some known source, but:
a guy, a pretty slow up top kind of guy, stops at a motel to get a room. he gets his roomkey and enters his motel room and when he turns on the light there’s a naked woman in his bed. he just stands there as she opens her legs a little and says, “do you know what I want?”
he goes, “nooooooo”
she opens her wider and says, “Do you know what I want?”
again, he goes, “noooooo”
a little wider, “baby… do you know what I want?”
this guy, this guy, “noooooo”
she goes spread eagle, “do you know what I want?”
“Yeah, you wanna take up the whole goddamn bed”
Your boy Mark didn’t write that shit. He was trying to impress you. My man Dan told me the same joke and he said he wrote it.
my sister and i used to tell each other jokes back and forth. dunno if i made this up, or if she did, or if we both got it from some known source, but:
a guy, a pretty slow up top kind of guy, stops at a motel to get a room. he gets his roomkey and enters his motel room and when he turns on the light there’s a naked woman in his bed. he just stands there as she opens her legs a little and says, “do you know what I want?”
he goes, “nooooooo”
she opens her wider and says, “Do you know what I want?”
again, he goes, “noooooo”
a little wider, “baby… do you know what I want?”
this guy, this guy, “noooooo”
she goes spread eagle, “do you know what I want?”
“Yeah, you wanna take up the whole goddamn bed”
Your boy Mark didn’t write that shit. He was trying to impress you. My man Dan told me the same joke and he said he wrote it.
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I do a little stand up, and love writing jokes. Here are a few:
What do you get with three dead babies? A production of Medea.
My friend Mike and I have a disagreement about genitals. He thinks they’re gross. I think genitals are beautiful. My problem is with the body parts that aren’t genitals. They make me puke.
When I was in middle school, I would always skip gym class to go fucking. It was great exercise. It was how I finally got rid of all that childhood obesity. Not that I would recommend statutory rape for everyone. Just for those who lack the discipline for an eating disorder.
My friend Sarah loves getting wasted and then taking her top off at parties. She really loves showing off her gym work. Mark is an even more obsessed about fitness. We’ve started calling him the St. Lawrence Seaway. He’s always introducing us to new types of muscle.
My brother has depression. I have ADD. I got the ADD because I called dibs.
I do a little stand up, and love writing jokes. Here are a few:
What do you get with three dead babies? A production of Medea.
My friend Mike and I have a disagreement about genitals. He thinks they’re gross. I think genitals are beautiful. My problem is with the body parts that aren’t genitals. They make me puke.
When I was in middle school, I would always skip gym class to go fucking. It was great exercise. It was how I finally got rid of all that childhood obesity. Not that I would recommend statutory rape for everyone. Just for those who lack the discipline for an eating disorder.
My friend Sarah loves getting wasted and then taking her top off at parties. She really loves showing off her gym work. Mark is an even more obsessed about fitness. We’ve started calling him the St. Lawrence Seaway. He’s always introducing us to new types of muscle.
My brother has depression. I have ADD. I got the ADD because I called dibs.
Ehm… I’ve heard this joke in Russia actually in the middle of 90ies. In circumstantially way (there was a sparrow).
– What’s the difference between a sparrow?
– His wings. Especially the left one.
Ehm… I’ve heard this joke in Russia actually in the middle of 90ies. In circumstantially way (there was a sparrow).
– What’s the difference between a sparrow?
– His wings. Especially the left one.
my dad’s got a real good joke he likes to tell
-why did hemingway cross the road?
-to die. alone. in the rain
my dad’s got a real good joke he likes to tell
-why did hemingway cross the road?
-to die. alone. in the rain
your a sick dude if you and your sister made that up together.
your a sick dude if you and your sister made that up together.
what did lou bega order at mcdonalds?
combo #5
—
what do you get when you take a chocolate, toffee, and a dead celebrity and wrap them all up?
a heath ledger bar
—
and this one i actually wrote as a 90 page novella in college.
the abbreviated version: a guy walks into a bar. he’s had a rough week and wants to get obliterated, so, depending on how big he is, he has between 8 and 20 drinks. Anyways, he’s blitzed, but he’s also a responsible family man and so he does what responsible family men do and he calls for a taxi. The driver helps him into the cab and starts driving him home. On the way, they have to take the highway for a brief spell, and while they do they see this enormous white truck bearing down on them at full speed. The truck is absolutely flying down the wrong side of the road and barely registers the bump as it flattens the taxi cab. I mean, the cab is tin canned into the macadam. The driver and our drunk man are nothing but scraps, bloodied pavement, pummeled teeth.
the ironic part of the joke is that, had he just driven drunk, the man likely would have crashed and killed himself. By calling a cab, he got two people killed.
and the funny part of the joke is (you have to repeat this line when telling in order to build up the end)
the funny part of the joke is that the truck was being driven by a walrus. you see, it’s funny because walruses can’t drive. just picture that big old walrus behind the wheel, with his tusks hanging into the dash, his big flippers (hand motions of flippers), just imagine that walrus trying to drive! (more exaggerated hand motions and weird lowing animal sounds to imitate the walrus until the audience laughs)
what did lou bega order at mcdonalds?
combo #5
—
what do you get when you take a chocolate, toffee, and a dead celebrity and wrap them all up?
a heath ledger bar
—
and this one i actually wrote as a 90 page novella in college.
the abbreviated version: a guy walks into a bar. he’s had a rough week and wants to get obliterated, so, depending on how big he is, he has between 8 and 20 drinks. Anyways, he’s blitzed, but he’s also a responsible family man and so he does what responsible family men do and he calls for a taxi. The driver helps him into the cab and starts driving him home. On the way, they have to take the highway for a brief spell, and while they do they see this enormous white truck bearing down on them at full speed. The truck is absolutely flying down the wrong side of the road and barely registers the bump as it flattens the taxi cab. I mean, the cab is tin canned into the macadam. The driver and our drunk man are nothing but scraps, bloodied pavement, pummeled teeth.
the ironic part of the joke is that, had he just driven drunk, the man likely would have crashed and killed himself. By calling a cab, he got two people killed.
and the funny part of the joke is (you have to repeat this line when telling in order to build up the end)
the funny part of the joke is that the truck was being driven by a walrus. you see, it’s funny because walruses can’t drive. just picture that big old walrus behind the wheel, with his tusks hanging into the dash, his big flippers (hand motions of flippers), just imagine that walrus trying to drive! (more exaggerated hand motions and weird lowing animal sounds to imitate the walrus until the audience laughs)
how do you know mjm is a dude?
how do you know mjm is a dude?
BWAHAHAHAHAAAA! That’s hilarious!
BWAHAHAHAHAAAA! That’s hilarious!