Craft Notes
They Shoot the White Girl First…
The title of this post from the opening line of Toni Morrison’s, Paradise.
Opening lines are like titles. I am going to briefly discuss titles. This might help you, or will maybe interest any students you might attempt to shepherd/lose. I’ve found students often go no-title, and I am against no-title, unless you have been writing for 20 years and work in minimalist miniature black and white photos. Or do heroin.
So.
See that young lady and her cleavage (probably done by this guy) on the cover of a magazine I consider vituperation to the brain, body, beauty, soul? It is going to help me.
Let’s talk The Grocery Store Rule, shall we? Say I have some chips, we’ll call them Nasty Nachos (so crisp they are crack, etc.) and I want them in your local grocery store. Where exactly do I want my chips placed? It matters, since the grocery store is going to charge me depending on location. Bottom of the shelf, middle aisle, with the dust balls and the Karo syrup (what the hell is Karo syrup?), not so much. The end aisle, where I have to pass and curl my cart around your product, costly. What’s the most expensive product placement? Where do all us hungry hamsters have to pause, stand, gaze, fidget, pay? The checkout line.
Enter Cosmopolitan magazine. They have our eyeballs for a few seconds. They don’t need us to buy the magazine, but to look at the cover, and certainly go right ahead and leaf through the pages, observe the ads—the actual purpose of the magazine is to carry ads, much like TV shows are filler between commercials.
Like most evil, ad people are very smart. So I think your title should borrow from advertising, from the cover of the glossy magazine. Can you make me look?
Sex: Cosmo goes a bit heavy on the sex, but then again the porn industry in this country makes more money than the automobile industry (and this a supposedly “discreet” aspect of our fascination with sex). I know this because I am reading Zak Smith’s, We Did Porn. I picked it up because I was hoping it would discuss the daily life/politics of the porn industry, and would contain a lot of fucking. Yep, it do. Sexual references I think work. (Sex, Drugs, Disasters and the Extinction of Dinosaurs; Pornogami; The Big Book of Lesbian Horse Stories.)
Bizarre/Shock: “Get a Healthy and Sexy Vagina.” OK, I’ll do that. If you look to the left of the Cosmo in your checkout aisle, you might also find headlines about Michael Jackson’s face on the moon and an alien goat dating a teen star with a sagging ass. Odd. (The Restaurant at the End of the Universe; Dance Lessons for Zombies; 26 Monkeys, also the Abyss; Foop!)
Curse Words: People like curse words in titles, not sure why. (Laura Bush: Bitch or Victim? Fuck this Book; On Bullshit.)
Vague: Not often will I suggest a writer go vague, but here we go. This advice could make you lose 14 pounds! What advice? Note how much of Cosmo’s advice is blurry, obtuse, found inside the pages, maybe. (Neverwhere; He Knew he was Right; A Simple Plan.)
Put Two Cool Words Together: This is big with indie writers, mainly because they are into music, and musicians love the one word title, or the two-cool-words-put-together. You will note these read like the names of garage bands. (Super Fetus; Shelf Monkey; Snot Blaze.)
The Noun Pulled From Your Book’s Pages: See influence of bands above. (Snuff; Holes; Popcorn.)
Fear: One of the most cynical forms of interest. While you work on your sexy “Hoo-Ha,” Cosmo is going to help you outsmart an attacker. This technique used when your news station flashes a runover tricycle, seg to child’s shoe, and a voice over: DO YOU HAVE A DRIVEWAY?!–SEE THE DETAILS AT NINE. Read this or… (How to Avoid Huge Ships. How to Survive in the Woods. Are you Loathsome Tonight?)
I am actually not against no title. I am against “Untitled” as your title. My favorite title is from Ken Sparling. (A close second is How to Read a Book.) There is no title in Sparling’s work, period. Not on the book, not on the title page, nowhere. None.
There are a lot of great words inside.
Tags: Creative Writing 101, Ken Sparling, Titles, toni morrison
i love “your hoo-ha handbook.” that’s priceless copy.
i love “your hoo-ha handbook.” that’s priceless copy.
i love “your hoo-ha handbook.” that’s priceless copy.
Teach a class on crafting a title. I’ve often felt that the title was the most insignificant part because I could never come up with the appropriate one. Does this reflect my ability to write in general? Probably. And thus, I’ve stopped writing. And started doing heroin. But I guess that means I can write again.
Teach a class on crafting a title. I’ve often felt that the title was the most insignificant part because I could never come up with the appropriate one. Does this reflect my ability to write in general? Probably. And thus, I’ve stopped writing. And started doing heroin. But I guess that means I can write again.
Teach a class on crafting a title. I’ve often felt that the title was the most insignificant part because I could never come up with the appropriate one. Does this reflect my ability to write in general? Probably. And thus, I’ve stopped writing. And started doing heroin. But I guess that means I can write again.
my brother in law’s gf has a copy of this in their bathroom. we were up visiting all week for the holidays. the hoo-ha handbook thing made me laugh every time. but the picture of the woman on the front kind of scared me. is she ‘pretty’?
my brother in law’s gf has a copy of this in their bathroom. we were up visiting all week for the holidays. the hoo-ha handbook thing made me laugh every time. but the picture of the woman on the front kind of scared me. is she ‘pretty’?
my brother in law’s gf has a copy of this in their bathroom. we were up visiting all week for the holidays. the hoo-ha handbook thing made me laugh every time. but the picture of the woman on the front kind of scared me. is she ‘pretty’?
her thumbs in pockets scared me, i guess
her thumbs in pockets scared me, i guess
her thumbs in pockets scared me, i guess
Vituperation.
You win.
Notice, like any good marketing/advertising student, that the two boldest texts have something to do–directly or indirectly–with sex. We love sex. So, make sure all your titles are sexual regardless of the content of your actual story. Be creative. Alliteration is always fun. “Pussy Promenade” is a story or novel I’d read on merit of title alone, even if it was actually about listless twenty-somethings who say that they are “fucked” every other sentence.
Vituperation.
You win.
Notice, like any good marketing/advertising student, that the two boldest texts have something to do–directly or indirectly–with sex. We love sex. So, make sure all your titles are sexual regardless of the content of your actual story. Be creative. Alliteration is always fun. “Pussy Promenade” is a story or novel I’d read on merit of title alone, even if it was actually about listless twenty-somethings who say that they are “fucked” every other sentence.
Vituperation.
You win.
Notice, like any good marketing/advertising student, that the two boldest texts have something to do–directly or indirectly–with sex. We love sex. So, make sure all your titles are sexual regardless of the content of your actual story. Be creative. Alliteration is always fun. “Pussy Promenade” is a story or novel I’d read on merit of title alone, even if it was actually about listless twenty-somethings who say that they are “fucked” every other sentence.
amanda bynes used to be cute when she was younger. now she just looks like another hollywood whore. sad.
amanda bynes used to be cute when she was younger. now she just looks like another hollywood whore. sad.
amanda bynes used to be cute when she was younger. now she just looks like another hollywood whore. sad.
My primary concern is, how do I get a copy of that Ken Sparling book?
My primary concern is, how do I get a copy of that Ken Sparling book?
ZZZZIP THINKS THEY PHOTOSHOPPED BYNES’S MIDDLE
THAT ENTIRE PICTURE LOOKS “STRANGE”
WHAT IS SHE EVEN DOING NOW, IS AMANDA BYNES DOING ANYTHING
(why would they make an article about her)
ZZZZIP THINKS THEY PHOTOSHOPPED BYNES’S MIDDLE
THAT ENTIRE PICTURE LOOKS “STRANGE”
WHAT IS SHE EVEN DOING NOW, IS AMANDA BYNES DOING ANYTHING
(why would they make an article about her)
i think they photoshop everyone on those types of magazines. she does look really strange. today’s standards of beauty are really ugly to me.
i haven’t heard about amanda bynes since she did that “she’s the man” (i think that’s what it was called) movie. and that was like 5 years ago or something. who knows.
i think they photoshop everyone on those types of magazines. she does look really strange. today’s standards of beauty are really ugly to me.
i haven’t heard about amanda bynes since she did that “she’s the man” (i think that’s what it was called) movie. and that was like 5 years ago or something. who knows.
So many books and stories with “How To Blah Blah Blah” or “A Guide to Aslkdjalskd” for titles. Is that played out yet?
So many books and stories with “How To Blah Blah Blah” or “A Guide to Aslkdjalskd” for titles. Is that played out yet?
Not in 2010 it isn’t, danny. The age of self analysis, anxiety, the self fixing the self. See Lorrie Moore, or 1/3 of big box bookstores these days.
Not in 2010 it isn’t, danny. The age of self analysis, anxiety, the self fixing the self. See Lorrie Moore, or 1/3 of big box bookstores these days.
maybe i’m paranoid
i think magazines make okay-looking ladies ugly on purpose
like, to show them who’s boss, or something. to undercut their confidence, therefore deflating their costs.
how you maintain a “star” system without bankrupting its corporate organs
maybe i’m paranoid
i think magazines make okay-looking ladies ugly on purpose
like, to show them who’s boss, or something. to undercut their confidence, therefore deflating their costs.
how you maintain a “star” system without bankrupting its corporate organs
also, with consumers you get that double-mind fuck: “oh, she’s on a magazine. oh, but she looks so ugly. i could be on a magazine, i wouldn’t look that ugly.”
like secretly you’re blaming the girl when it’s the magazine people’s fault. being on a magazine retains its high status, while somehow remaining an attainable goal.
also, with consumers you get that double-mind fuck: “oh, she’s on a magazine. oh, but she looks so ugly. i could be on a magazine, i wouldn’t look that ugly.”
like secretly you’re blaming the girl when it’s the magazine people’s fault. being on a magazine retains its high status, while somehow remaining an attainable goal.
I DON’T THINK THAT’S PARANOID RACHEL I THINK THEY REALLY DO DO THAT
MRS. ZZZZZIP HAS SOME OLD ISSUES OF TEEN VOGUE IN THE BATHROOM AND THEY INTERVIEW ALL OF THESE HORRIBLE YOUNG WOMEN WHO JUST HAPPEN TO BE TOTALLY UNATTAINABLE, AND THEY’RE ALL LIKE 16, AND THEY’VE DONE NOTHING, AND THE PULL QUOTE IS ALWAYS SOMETHING LIKE “I DON’T WANT TO BE CONFUSED WITH MY MOM/DAD, I AM MY OWN PERSON!!!!”. ACTUALLY THAT IS THE SAME THING NYLON DOES ALL THE TIME. WHAT A WEIRD CONFLICTING MESSAGE TO SEND TO YOUNG WOMEN I DON’T GET IT AT ALL IT’S LIKE, WHAT, I GUESS THEY’RE SELLING THE IDEA OF “BEING A PRINCESS” AND “HAVING AN EASY LIFE” BUT STILL WHAT THE HELL
I DON’T THINK THAT’S PARANOID RACHEL I THINK THEY REALLY DO DO THAT
MRS. ZZZZZIP HAS SOME OLD ISSUES OF TEEN VOGUE IN THE BATHROOM AND THEY INTERVIEW ALL OF THESE HORRIBLE YOUNG WOMEN WHO JUST HAPPEN TO BE TOTALLY UNATTAINABLE, AND THEY’RE ALL LIKE 16, AND THEY’VE DONE NOTHING, AND THE PULL QUOTE IS ALWAYS SOMETHING LIKE “I DON’T WANT TO BE CONFUSED WITH MY MOM/DAD, I AM MY OWN PERSON!!!!”. ACTUALLY THAT IS THE SAME THING NYLON DOES ALL THE TIME. WHAT A WEIRD CONFLICTING MESSAGE TO SEND TO YOUNG WOMEN I DON’T GET IT AT ALL IT’S LIKE, WHAT, I GUESS THEY’RE SELLING THE IDEA OF “BEING A PRINCESS” AND “HAVING AN EASY LIFE” BUT STILL WHAT THE HELL
lol
i don’t know how comfortable i am throwing around the word “horrible,” at least w/ respect to the girls
it does occur to me that i’ve written a piece in which they’re compared to microorganisms, as if that is ultimately more respectful: http://www.yankeepotroast.org/archives/2008/07/singlecelled_an.html
but yeah, in those mags there’s a real fetish for simplicity and contempt for the complex.
it’s a popular dance
lol
i don’t know how comfortable i am throwing around the word “horrible,” at least w/ respect to the girls
it does occur to me that i’ve written a piece in which they’re compared to microorganisms, as if that is ultimately more respectful: http://www.yankeepotroast.org/archives/2008/07/singlecelled_an.html
but yeah, in those mags there’s a real fetish for simplicity and contempt for the complex.
it’s a popular dance
this really helped me. i suck at titles. my kids are named Weebles and Footstool. couldn’t even get those titles to work.
this really helped me. i suck at titles. my kids are named Weebles and Footstool. couldn’t even get those titles to work.
I thought that said, “I suck at titties.”
I thought that said, “I suck at titties.”
Super Fetus is awesome.
Super Fetus is awesome.