October 30th, 2009 / 2:54 pm
Mean

Ambidextrous Authors and Non-Ambidextrous Authors

AMBIDEXTROUS AUTHORS

dorothyparkerportrait

toni_morrisoncarver460

Dorothy Parker, Toni Morrison, and Raymond Carver belong to a group of ambidextrous authors who have the facility to place both hands at the sides of their respective cheeks simultaneously. During photo shoots, they are keen on demonstrating this ability. Their adroit use of two hands at the keyboard have led to prolific and sprawling careers. Their contracts stipulate that they are “paid by the palm,” which means more gin n’ tonic for all (some pills too). Some have suggested that they misinterpret the phrase “turn the other cheek,” and are struggling to turn both at once. Jesus has nothing to do with this business; Zion is crowded as it is. The ambidextrous are witty, black, and depressed — but never at the same time.

NON-AMBIDEXTROUS AUTHORS

haruki_murakamiNabokovJamesJoyce

Non-ambidextrous authors, because of their disability, have grown into dour and deeply afflicted men. Haruki Murakami’s addiction to Hentai porn has led to a debilitating life of ramen and surrealist tropes. Vladimir Nabokov and James Joyce’s limitation to “one-hand wanking” fortunately correlate to their singular anatomy. It’s been warned that “you’ll go blind” so we know where the latter’s eye-patch came from. I will admit that certain passages in Lolita brought prickles to my then 19 yr. old loins — and I could find no other relief than into the shallow crevices of abandoned panties found in the dormitory laundry room. But enough about me. Folks, I only ever have one point: God’s one mercy, however paltry, can be found in the radius of our arms.


19 Comments

  1. mimi

      OK, today’s titters.
      Oh Jimmy.
      Certain passages in Lolita still bring prickles to the shallow crevices of _my_ brain.
      Thank you!

  2. mimi

      OK, today’s titters.
      Oh Jimmy.
      Certain passages in Lolita still bring prickles to the shallow crevices of _my_ brain.
      Thank you!

  3. andrew sierra

      they say that pictures in which you’re touching your face make you seem more sympathetic to your audience and also less arrogant

      it has something to do with our ape ancestors who also touched their faces when getting their author photo done

  4. andrew sierra

      they say that pictures in which you’re touching your face make you seem more sympathetic to your audience and also less arrogant

      it has something to do with our ape ancestors who also touched their faces when getting their author photo done

  5. daniel bailey

      dorothy parker looks like she’s doing the sad mime face.

  6. daniel bailey

      dorothy parker looks like she’s doing the sad mime face.

  7. Tim Jones-Yelvington

      jimmy sees the truth but sees it slant

  8. Tim Jones-Yelvington

      jimmy sees the truth but sees it slant

  9. Vaughan Simons

      I say fuck all these two-handed authors showing off with their two hands. What about the one-handed writers? Or the ones with hooks instead of hands? Eh? Eh? EH?!

      Sorry. Just, you know, stop discriminating against the one-handed. Or even the no-handed. Or the three-handed. Or the nineteen-fingered. Or something.

      My brain hurts. Is Mean Week over yet?

  10. Vaughan Simons

      I say fuck all these two-handed authors showing off with their two hands. What about the one-handed writers? Or the ones with hooks instead of hands? Eh? Eh? EH?!

      Sorry. Just, you know, stop discriminating against the one-handed. Or even the no-handed. Or the three-handed. Or the nineteen-fingered. Or something.

      My brain hurts. Is Mean Week over yet?

  11. tao

      haha

  12. tao

      haha

  13. Mather Schneider

      As someone with chronic bags under my eyes, I can speak about this: putting your hands on your face this way pushes the bags up and makes them seem less prominent.

  14. Mather Schneider

      As someone with chronic bags under my eyes, I can speak about this: putting your hands on your face this way pushes the bags up and makes them seem less prominent.

  15. MG

      I did not know that James Joyce was a Bond villain until today.

      Thanks, Jimmy.

  16. MG

      I did not know that James Joyce was a Bond villain until today.

      Thanks, Jimmy.

  17. Almanacco del Weekend – 1 Nov. 2009 « Almanacco Americano

      […] HTML Giant – Ambidextrous and non-ambidextrous authors […]

  18. nora eileen

      jimmy- you’re the only contributor i consistently enjoy reading on htmlgiant.

  19. nora eileen

      jimmy- you’re the only contributor i consistently enjoy reading on htmlgiant.