December 21st, 2009 / 8:38 pm
 Mean

Get Down Moses

I. If you enjoy it when people come over and casually browse the spines of your bookshelf, you are a nerd.

II. When your literary journal is a wordpress/blogger subdomain using one of their templates, I imagine someone who felt they wanted to be an editor for 20 minutes, during which time they started said journal.

III. When your literary journal has per inch/pixel ‘wrap text’ margins (vs. defined paragraph width), despite how wide the browser is, such that a full paragraph reads as one single line the length of a child’s arm, I feel bad and don’t read the stories.

IV. When your blog’s color/font specs are antagonistically provocative (blaring colors, extremely small or large fonts) only crazy or bored people who think you’re charming will read your blog.

V. When your friend with the ’20 minute set-up’ blog template journal nominates you for a pushcart, it just means he/she put an envelope with some paper in it in the mail, sorta like sentimental recycling. You weren’t ‘realistically’ nominated.

VI. When you diss on someone more successful than you, you’re just being human. When diss on someone less successful than you, you’re just being a dick.

VII. When you dismiss people for either having or not having an MFA, for being or not being a particular gender or race, or for just liking a book, band, movie that you don’t like, you are being provincial.

VIII. When your third-person bio is longer than the flash fiction piece it’s accompanying, that’s fucking lame.

IX. If you are lucky enough to get ‘fan e-mail’ and you don’t respond (even if it’s just “thanks, I appreciate it”) because you are ‘busy,’ or in some sick way you think not responding to fans further legitimizes your fame, you are an asshole.

X. If you think I’m a dick, you should have a drink with my dad.

Tags:

46 Comments

  1. December 22nd, 2009 / 1:01 am Blake Butler—

      for these, you suffered on the mountain. boommm

  2. December 21st, 2009 / 9:01 pm Blake Butler—

      for these, you suffered on the mountain. boommm

  3. December 22nd, 2009 / 1:20 am Sean—

      oh man. a classic sin.

  4. December 21st, 2009 / 9:20 pm Sean—

      oh man. a classic sin.

  5. December 22nd, 2009 / 1:27 am Amy McDaniel—

      ooh such a good use of “provincial.”

  6. December 21st, 2009 / 9:27 pm Amy McDaniel—

      ooh such a good use of “provincial.”

  7. December 22nd, 2009 / 1:35 am jereme—

      8 got me to chuckle.

  8. December 21st, 2009 / 9:35 pm jereme—

      8 got me to chuckle.

  9. December 22nd, 2009 / 1:36 am Ken Baumann—

      hallelujiah

  10. December 21st, 2009 / 9:36 pm Ken Baumann—

      hallelujiah

  11. December 22nd, 2009 / 1:49 am mimi—

      I think I have a fifty-fifty chance of going to hell.

  12. December 21st, 2009 / 9:49 pm mimi—

      I think I have a fifty-fifty chance of going to hell.

  13. December 22nd, 2009 / 2:08 am fad—

      X haha. you’re my favorite on this site.

  14. December 21st, 2009 / 10:08 pm fad—

      X haha. you’re my favorite on this site.

  15. December 22nd, 2009 / 3:08 am Rebekah Silverman—

      Now I feel like a bad person, and also dirty.

  16. December 21st, 2009 / 11:08 pm Rebekah Silverman—

      Now I feel like a bad person, and also dirty.

  17. December 22nd, 2009 / 4:47 am Roxane Gay—

      Commandments 2, 8, and 9 are particularly excellent.

      Bio, 50 words or less. Stick to it, writers!

  18. December 22nd, 2009 / 12:47 am Roxane Gay—

      Commandments 2, 8, and 9 are particularly excellent.

      Bio, 50 words or less. Stick to it, writers!

  19. December 22nd, 2009 / 7:08 am stephen—

      this is a pretty nerdy list

  20. December 22nd, 2009 / 3:08 am stephen—

      this is a pretty nerdy list

  21. December 22nd, 2009 / 1:19 pm frank donald goodish—

      yep, 10 really got me to laugh

  22. December 22nd, 2009 / 9:19 am frank donald goodish—

      yep, 10 really got me to laugh

  23. December 22nd, 2009 / 1:23 pm frank donald goodish—

      i like the bios that list in alphabetical order every journal they’ve ever been in and then still say “and other places.” if you’re going to bring the chin music, don’t try to curve the ball at the last second, wave to the hitter, and mouth my bad.

  24. December 22nd, 2009 / 9:23 am frank donald goodish—

      i like the bios that list in alphabetical order every journal they’ve ever been in and then still say “and other places.” if you’re going to bring the chin music, don’t try to curve the ball at the last second, wave to the hitter, and mouth my bad.

  25. December 22nd, 2009 / 9:56 am Jon Cone—

      I have behaved according to all these ‘commandments’ with the exception of letter X (X stands for the number ten in the Roman alphabeet. I know! Go figure.)

      Oh.

      I am a ‘published author.’

      And I was nominated for a ‘PUSHCART PRIZE’ by another ‘published author’ who appeared in a
      magazine I used to edit.

      I also published a poem of mine in my own magazine.

      (That was how I came to be an ‘official’ ‘published’ ‘author.’

  26. December 22nd, 2009 / 2:29 pm brandi—

      Someone sent me “fan mail” once but then they began to talk about how they too had sexual desire for their brother. I didn’t know where it was coming from, though the story they were referencing did briefly mention my brother. I thought for a long time, but didn’t respond to their email.

  27. December 22nd, 2009 / 10:29 am brandi—

      Someone sent me “fan mail” once but then they began to talk about how they too had sexual desire for their brother. I didn’t know where it was coming from, though the story they were referencing did briefly mention my brother. I thought for a long time, but didn’t respond to their email.

  28. December 22nd, 2009 / 3:19 pm ce.—

      if Jimmy doesn’t respond to this, is he being human or a dick?

  29. December 22nd, 2009 / 11:19 am ce.—

      if Jimmy doesn’t respond to this, is he being human or a dick?

  30. December 22nd, 2009 / 3:44 pm frank donald goodish—

      yeesh

      were i in your shoes, i probably wouldn’t have responded either (and i too would have given the note/possible response considerable thought)

  31. December 22nd, 2009 / 11:44 am frank donald goodish—

      yeesh

      were i in your shoes, i probably wouldn’t have responded either (and i too would have given the note/possible response considerable thought)

  32. December 22nd, 2009 / 3:46 pm frank donald goodish—

      i laughed at this

  33. December 22nd, 2009 / 11:46 am frank donald goodish—

      i laughed at this

  34. December 22nd, 2009 / 4:51 pm Jimmy Chen—

      thanks fad! i am responding to you.

  35. December 22nd, 2009 / 12:51 pm Jimmy Chen—

      thanks fad! i am responding to you.

  36. December 22nd, 2009 / 6:49 pm Josh—

      I think #2 is particularly stupid.

      (And not b/c I have a blog with a blogspot domain.)

      Just feels rather pompous.

  37. December 22nd, 2009 / 2:49 pm Josh—

      I think #2 is particularly stupid.

      (And not b/c I have a blog with a blogspot domain.)

      Just feels rather pompous.

  38. December 22nd, 2009 / 7:01 pm james yeh—

      jerk!

  39. December 22nd, 2009 / 3:01 pm james yeh—

      jerk!

  40. December 22nd, 2009 / 8:49 pm jereme—

      is your brother hot?

  41. December 22nd, 2009 / 4:49 pm jereme—

      is your brother hot?

  42. December 23rd, 2009 / 12:44 am Stu—

      I think number VI had to be said.

  43. December 22nd, 2009 / 8:44 pm Stu—

      I think number VI had to be said.

  44. December 22nd, 2009 / 11:05 pm Almanacco del Giorno – 22 Dec. 2009 « Almanacco Americano—

      […] Giant – Ten Commandments for Lit Bloggers Possibly related posts: (automatically generated)Almanacco del Giorno – 8 Dec. 2009Community […]

  45. December 24th, 2009 / 6:42 pm Nathan Tyree—

      Number 9

  46. December 24th, 2009 / 2:42 pm Nathan Tyree—

      Number 9