January 8th, 2012 / 1:54 pm
Film & Random

Twilight Reimagined

This site lists how Twilight might go if written by a list of other novelists…noteworthy remix styles include Murakami:

“Bella has sex with Edward, who is half a ghost. Jacob is a talking cat. Most of the prose is given over to descriptions of Bella making pasta.”

and Cormac McCarthy:

“In the opening scene, Edward dashes Bella’s head against a rock and rapes her corpse. Then he and Jacob take off on an unexplained rampage through the West.”

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  1. Ethan

      Just imagined Cormac McCarthy stumbling across this post and reading that sentence written in his style and nodding his head sagely while wondering what the hell Twilight is.

  2. Evan Hatch


  3. Michael Filippone

      Blake Butler:

      Edward is a boy who gets lost in a house. He opens lots of doors. Bella is made only of teeth and hair.

  4. Michael Filippone

      Shane Jones:

      Bella is a talking owl. Jacob is an army. Edward climbs a tree. He finds Stephanie Meyer sitting on top. She admits to him she doesn’t know what she is doing.

  5. Michael Filippone

      Jesse Ball:

      Edward is a traveling doorstop repair man. Bella is his daughter. They are being watched by Jacob, the emperor of the village Forks. Edward and Bella construct pointy dentures out of clay. When they wear them, no one can recognize them.

  6. La Petite Zine

      Twinklight. VERY nsfw http://www.pornhub.com/view_video.php?viewkey=713187829

  7. mimi

      will someone please start a blogicle about this link

  8. Trey

      this is also how Zach Schomburg would write it, I think

  9. Tummler

      Zachary German:

      Bella opens her refrigerator. She takes a bag of organic carrots out of the refrigerator. She eats four organic carrots. Bella thinks “Jacob is tanner than Edward, I wish that Edward wasn’t so pale. No, I’m still in love with Edward, I think. Edward smells good and is probably going to be my I don’t know.” Bella eats two organic carrots. She puts the bag of organic carrots into the refrigerator. She closes the refrigerator. Bella walks into her bedroom. She lies on her bed. She is asleep. Bella is awake. Edward floats into Bella’s bedroom. He sits on her bed. Edward bites into Bella’s neck. Bella cums. She says “I think that it would be fun to play a game of baseball that was not just regular baseball but with, like, thunder and shit going on. I don’t know. I never read these books.”

  10. s.c.u.b.a.

      Sherman Alexie:

      Bella is a mixed-race orphan “passing” for white and sporadically attending community college in Seattle between drinking binges in which Edward appears as a pseudo-physical symbolic embodiment of the centuries-long oppression of indigenous americans, and after which she wakes up and calmly, without apparent emotion, cleans up what is obviously evidence of rape. Jacob is a casino greeter who wears a fake feather headdress, has a brief conversation with Bella at a bar that results in oral sex, and then disappears, only to make cameo appearances in a series of short stories in another book.