December 18th, 2009 / 9:28 am
 Random

You Owe Me Nothing! (And, You Sir, Will Pay)

bill

Yesterday my employer, a local university, sent a bill to my house. I owe the university $0.00 immediately! That is Zero Dollars and Zero Cents. The university is not playing around. In their words: PAYMENT DUE. In their words, my options are an INSTALLMENT PAYMENT PLAN or LATE PAYMENT FEE. I am also instructed to KEEP TOP PORTION FOR YOUR TAX INFORMATION.

What are your favorite surrealist/absurdist artists or text?

I am going:

Alice Rahon. I first saw her paintings in Denver and they made me pause, stand until my shins hurt,  lose time (a good sign). She even does that eerie “Van Gogh” yellow, but hers are less Shimmering Field, and more Cave Drawings at a Dance. Rahon is also a poet, but of her poetry I know smidgen.

Dennis Rodman. Don’t laugh. Following a profound depression and suicide attempt (1993), Rodman’s head went lop, and his art began (his body and nights the canvas). His essential works include the autobiographies, Bad as I want to Be and I should Be Dead by Now; the night of March 16, 1996 (16 rebounds and an on-court head-butt of referee, Ted Bernhardt. Rodman was spotted later at a local bar, and wearing a wedding dress.); and the 2005 episode of the reality show, Celebrity Mole. Rodman was cast for one reason, foolish chaos. Nice try, cynical CBS. With an intellect and persistence that served him well as an elite rebounder and NBA champion (5 times), Rodman ended up winning the show, and $220,000.

Charles Simic: Easily the most accessible of surreal poets. His book The World Doesn’t End: Prose Poems won the 1990 Pulitzer Prize and pissed off a lot of people. (Prose poems are considered dogs by the literary parvenu; surreal prose poems are rabid dogs pissing themselves on their yellow rugs.) A great teaching text—one way to show language can easily trump content/context. You can talk about this until blue in your forehead, but have your students read this book. They will understand.

The stone is a mirror which works poorly. Nothing in it but dimness. Your dimness or its dimness, who’s to say? In the hush your heart sounds like a black cricket.

Nuff said.

Oh, and I paid the bill. I wrote a check for exactly Zero Dollars and Zero Cents. Put it in the return envelope and sent it away. I had to pay for my own stamp. But it was worth it.

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33 Comments

  1. December 18th, 2009 / 1:52 pm a moorad—

      go cardinals.

  2. December 18th, 2009 / 9:52 am a moorad—

      go cardinals.

  3. December 18th, 2009 / 2:37 pm ce.—

      I remember similar bills from BSU.

      My old Latin prof there gave me Simic’s Hotel Insomnia, which I read and liked well enough then, but would probably appreciate it more now. I think a revisitation is in order.

  4. December 18th, 2009 / 10:37 am ce.—

      I remember similar bills from BSU.

      My old Latin prof there gave me Simic’s Hotel Insomnia, which I read and liked well enough then, but would probably appreciate it more now. I think a revisitation is in order.

  5. December 18th, 2009 / 3:16 pm Merzmensch aka kosmopol—

      I recommend a lecture of German dadaist MERZ-artist Kurt Schwitters. And also Russian Avante-Garde’ist Daniil Charms. Their texts are pretty absurd like the bill you’ve got above.

      Like this one by Daniil Kharms:

      Once there was a redheaded man without eyes and without ears. He had no hair either, so that he was a redhead was just something they said.

      He could not speak, for he had no mouth. He had no nose either.

      He didn’t even have arms or legs. He had no stomach either, and he had no back, and he had no spine, and no intestines of any kind. He didn’t have anything at all. So it is hard to understand whom we are really talking about.

      So it is probably best not to talk about him any more.

  6. December 18th, 2009 / 11:16 am Merzmensch aka kosmopol—

      I recommend a lecture of German dadaist MERZ-artist Kurt Schwitters. And also Russian Avante-Garde’ist Daniil Charms. Their texts are pretty absurd like the bill you’ve got above.

      Like this one by Daniil Kharms:

      Once there was a redheaded man without eyes and without ears. He had no hair either, so that he was a redhead was just something they said.

      He could not speak, for he had no mouth. He had no nose either.

      He didn’t even have arms or legs. He had no stomach either, and he had no back, and he had no spine, and no intestines of any kind. He didn’t have anything at all. So it is hard to understand whom we are really talking about.

      So it is probably best not to talk about him any more.

  7. December 18th, 2009 / 3:17 pm Merzmensch aka kosmopol—

      I wrote Daniil Charms’ name in various ways, in English translations he is rather known as Kharms.

  8. December 18th, 2009 / 11:17 am Merzmensch aka kosmopol—

      I wrote Daniil Charms’ name in various ways, in English translations he is rather known as Kharms.

  9. December 18th, 2009 / 3:55 pm mimi—

      Oakland, California: International Avenue between 4th and 6th. Both sides. The shop signs/names/adverts etc etc etc. Visual as well as textual fantastic.

  10. December 18th, 2009 / 11:55 am mimi—

      Oakland, California: International Avenue between 4th and 6th. Both sides. The shop signs/names/adverts etc etc etc. Visual as well as textual fantastic.

  11. December 18th, 2009 / 4:35 pm Amber—

      Yves Tanguy and Kay Sage. Laurel and Hardy. Artaud. Does theatre of the absurd count? Because then Ionesco, Ionesco, Ionesco.

  12. December 18th, 2009 / 12:35 pm Amber—

      Yves Tanguy and Kay Sage. Laurel and Hardy. Artaud. Does theatre of the absurd count? Because then Ionesco, Ionesco, Ionesco.

  13. December 18th, 2009 / 5:16 pm james yeh—

      rodman! nice. here’s a question: would you consider the antics/”works” of chad formerly johnson, now ochocinco to be absurdist or surrealist?

      it seems the argument could be made for johnson being a kind of “rodman lite”

  14. December 18th, 2009 / 1:16 pm james yeh—

      rodman! nice. here’s a question: would you consider the antics/”works” of chad formerly johnson, now ochocinco to be absurdist or surrealist?

      it seems the argument could be made for johnson being a kind of “rodman lite”

  15. December 18th, 2009 / 5:18 pm Lincoln—

      Ocho Cinco is the greatest athlete of our time.

  16. December 18th, 2009 / 1:18 pm Lincoln—

      Ocho Cinco is the greatest athlete of our time.

  17. December 18th, 2009 / 5:59 pm Rob—

      “Irene’s Cunt” by Aragon… track it down! It’s included in the collection “Flesh Unlimited”. “The Journal of Albion Moonlight” by Patchen is another one of my favs.

  18. December 18th, 2009 / 1:59 pm Rob—

      “Irene’s Cunt” by Aragon… track it down! It’s included in the collection “Flesh Unlimited”. “The Journal of Albion Moonlight” by Patchen is another one of my favs.

  19. December 18th, 2009 / 2:46 pm Sean—

      85 is slurp to Rodman’s Oil Can. Weak.

  20. December 18th, 2009 / 7:04 pm bruiser brody—

      watched him crying on ESPN last night about Chris Henry. Very sad.

  21. December 18th, 2009 / 3:04 pm bruiser brody—

      watched him crying on ESPN last night about Chris Henry. Very sad.

  22. December 18th, 2009 / 7:06 pm bruiser brody—

      in 4th grade i was at friends’ house in dallas watching the ncaa tourney. they were showing all the first round scores and i barked out a laugh and said, “a college named ball state? who would go there?” my friend’s dad stood up and grabbed my shoulder. “my wife and i went there.” he was kidding about being mad but not about the fact that they went there.

  23. December 18th, 2009 / 3:06 pm bruiser brody—

      in 4th grade i was at friends’ house in dallas watching the ncaa tourney. they were showing all the first round scores and i barked out a laugh and said, “a college named ball state? who would go there?” my friend’s dad stood up and grabbed my shoulder. “my wife and i went there.” he was kidding about being mad but not about the fact that they went there.

  24. December 18th, 2009 / 7:12 pm bruiser brody—

      i once spent a harried friday afternoon chasing down nine signatories b/c some bitchy assistant to the 10th signatory wouldn’t sign the document b/c i’d used courier new, not courier. the document was a “congressional” and i think her exact words were “this is going to THE HILL!”

      they all signed it again, at least half of them laughing at me upon hearing about my gaffe. i framed copies of the partially-signed original and fully-signed original and put over my cube until my supervisor told me to take them down.

  25. December 18th, 2009 / 3:12 pm bruiser brody—

      i once spent a harried friday afternoon chasing down nine signatories b/c some bitchy assistant to the 10th signatory wouldn’t sign the document b/c i’d used courier new, not courier. the document was a “congressional” and i think her exact words were “this is going to THE HILL!”

      they all signed it again, at least half of them laughing at me upon hearing about my gaffe. i framed copies of the partially-signed original and fully-signed original and put over my cube until my supervisor told me to take them down.

  26. December 18th, 2009 / 7:13 pm Lincoln—

      I would instantly quit any job that asked to to use courier font.

  27. December 18th, 2009 / 7:13 pm bruiser brody—

      “partially-signed original and fully-signed original” — the second original should be “revision”

      i will now light myself on fire (w/ apologies to mr. simmons)

  28. December 18th, 2009 / 3:13 pm Lincoln—

      I would instantly quit any job that asked to to use courier font.

  29. December 18th, 2009 / 3:13 pm bruiser brody—

      “partially-signed original and fully-signed original” — the second original should be “revision”

      i will now light myself on fire (w/ apologies to mr. simmons)

  30. December 18th, 2009 / 7:18 pm bruiser brody—

      (laugh)

      i’m in another division now and i’m allowed to use times new roman.

      I did get suspended for a day by using Viner Hand ITC in the eighth iteration of a memo.

  31. December 18th, 2009 / 3:18 pm bruiser brody—

      (laugh)

      i’m in another division now and i’m allowed to use times new roman.

      I did get suspended for a day by using Viner Hand ITC in the eighth iteration of a memo.

  32. December 19th, 2009 / 12:56 am cmr—

      you should definitely mail that in with a check for 0.00.

  33. December 18th, 2009 / 8:56 pm cmr—

      you should definitely mail that in with a check for 0.00.