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15 Rich-Ass Authors I’ve Suddenly Decided To Like
I really enjoyed reading Blake Butler’s list of “15 Towering Literary Figures,” and Christopher Higgs’ list of “15 Significant Contemporary Women Writers.” Both were great, and I disagreed vehemently with those who criticized Blake for not putting more non-Americans on his list, because we all know that Americans are the only people who are any good at anything. Sorry, foreign losers! I also disagreed with whoever called Christopher a self-hating sellout to the gynocracy, whatever that means. Actually, I guess I said that. To myself. Just now.
Anyway, there was one glaring problem with both lists: Very few of the writers mentioned are super fucking rich. So I decided to make a list of 15 authors who I am going to pretend to like from now on, in the hopes they will send me money. I mean, Brian Evenson is a good writer, but is Brian Evenson going to keep you in expensive hookers and 40-year-old Laphroaig? No, Brian Evenson is not. So have fun drinking store-brand sodas with Jorie Graham and Diane Williams, guys! I’ll be in Ibiza, pronouncing “Ibiza” pretentiously, with my 15 new best friends:
Dan Brown
John Grisham
Stephen King
Jodi Picoult
Joel Osteen
Dean Koontz
The Left Behind Dudes
Glenn Beck
Danielle Steel
The Twilight Lady
I Guess That Madea Guy Probably Wrote A Book, Oh Here It Is
Sue Grafton
The Executor Or Executrix Of Stieg Larsson’s Estate
I Guess Margaret Atwood Probably Does All Right
Rachael Ray
Tags: dan brown, left behind
this is why michael schaub gets paid the big giant commissions
this is why michael schaub gets paid the big giant commissions
you won my heart with Laphroaig. That’s my favorite Scotch
yesssssss
the rachel ray made me laugh the hardest
can someone please get Michael an award of some sort? now?
you won my heart with Laphroaig. That’s my favorite Scotch
yesssssss
the rachel ray made me laugh the hardest
can someone please get Michael an award of some sort? now?
Dammit I laughed so hard.
The ‘Sue Grafton’ one just killed me.
Dammit I laughed so hard.
The ‘Sue Grafton’ one just killed me.
That Madea guy is adapting For Colored Girls Who have Considered Suicide/When the Rainbow is Enuf for film…..fucking hell on earth
That Madea guy is adapting For Colored Girls Who have Considered Suicide/When the Rainbow is Enuf for film…..fucking hell on earth
im glad you included the visuals so i wouldnt have to even read their names
im glad you included the visuals so i wouldnt have to even read their names
Yes, the Sue Grafton one is the best.
Yes, the Sue Grafton one is the best.
I didn’t realize the Left Behind dudes were so smoking hot. Certainly gives new meaning to the title of that series.
I didn’t realize the Left Behind dudes were so smoking hot. Certainly gives new meaning to the title of that series.
A+
A+
Ugh. I’m actually giving a presentation on that guy next month wherein I detail how much I loathe him. I’m going to pretend I didn’t just read what you wrote because he shouldn’t be allowed to even say the name of that choreopoem.
Ugh. I’m actually giving a presentation on that guy next month wherein I detail how much I loathe him. I’m going to pretend I didn’t just read what you wrote because he shouldn’t be allowed to even say the name of that choreopoem.
Oh my fucking funny. You should probably also try James Patterson–I read that he just signed a contract to shit out like, 47 more books before next Tuesday and they’ll cap all his teeth and toenails with gold or something. You should get in on some of that.
Oh my fucking funny. You should probably also try James Patterson–I read that he just signed a contract to shit out like, 47 more books before next Tuesday and they’ll cap all his teeth and toenails with gold or something. You should get in on some of that.
http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/culturemonster/2009/09/tyler-perry-out-of-drag-for-colored-girls.html
http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/culturemonster/2009/09/tyler-perry-out-of-drag-for-colored-girls.html
unbeweavable
unbeweavable
You have made me profoundly sad.
You have made me profoundly sad.
When I read about that book deal today, I calculated that he will write a book a minute, give or take. They should make for fantastic reading.
When I read about that book deal today, I calculated that he will write a book a minute, give or take. They should make for fantastic reading.
The best deal in that list is Joel Osteen, because he’s all about prosperity theology. If you like him? His God will make you a rich-ass author too!
The best deal in that list is Joel Osteen, because he’s all about prosperity theology. If you like him? His God will make you a rich-ass author too!
thirded
great stuff
thirded
great stuff
High five, Michael Schaub. You put the candle on the cake. Dean Koontz as a baby with a comb over — priceless.
High five, Michael Schaub. You put the candle on the cake. Dean Koontz as a baby with a comb over — priceless.
Tyler Perry makes me want to dress up in drag and act sassy and then talk subtext all fucking night long.
Tyler Perry makes me want to dress up in drag and act sassy and then talk subtext all fucking night long.
“I want you to go to the window, open it, stick your head out and yell: “I’m as mad as hell, and I’m not going to take this anymore!” – Glenn Beck
“I want you to go to the window, open it, stick your head out and yell: “I’m as mad as hell, and I’m not going to take this anymore!” – Glenn Beck
this just made my day so much better.
fetish pony!
this just made my day so much better.
fetish pony!
It is wrong to admit you admire things about certain mass market writers? I admire James Michener’s huge ambition, and his geological points of entry. I admire Tom Clancy’s long expository set pieces about interesting military technology. I admire the event mechanics of John Grisham’s potboilers. Ditto Stephen King.
Dan Brown, Left Behind, Joel Osteen, Twilight — I can’t get behind any of that.
It is wrong to admit you admire things about certain mass market writers? I admire James Michener’s huge ambition, and his geological points of entry. I admire Tom Clancy’s long expository set pieces about interesting military technology. I admire the event mechanics of John Grisham’s potboilers. Ditto Stephen King.
Dan Brown, Left Behind, Joel Osteen, Twilight — I can’t get behind any of that.
I don’t mind mass market writers. I’ll joke but I read Clancy, John Sandford, Michener, Grisham and I must confess, my favorite Dan Brown whose new opus will be delivered to me while I sleep in 9/15 and I am so excited I can’t even talk about it without jumping up and down like a little girl. There are indeed things we can admire in the ways these prolific, hugely popular writers write. It is just as myopic and problematic, I think, to dismiss mass market fiction as it is to disdain of more challenging texts that are more often discussed here. Having said that, there’s no redemption for Tyler Perry.
I don’t mind mass market writers. I’ll joke but I read Clancy, John Sandford, Michener, Grisham and I must confess, my favorite Dan Brown whose new opus will be delivered to me while I sleep in 9/15 and I am so excited I can’t even talk about it without jumping up and down like a little girl. There are indeed things we can admire in the ways these prolific, hugely popular writers write. It is just as myopic and problematic, I think, to dismiss mass market fiction as it is to disdain of more challenging texts that are more often discussed here. Having said that, there’s no redemption for Tyler Perry.
Graham Greene is probably my favorite author ever. And I really enjoyed Dennis Lehane’s Mystic River. Stephen King, in my mind, is not “just” a mass-market author. Have you read IT? The Dark Tower books? They’re mind-bending texts, pushing more boundaries than most self-consciously “innovative” lit.
Graham Greene is probably my favorite author ever. And I really enjoyed Dennis Lehane’s Mystic River. Stephen King, in my mind, is not “just” a mass-market author. Have you read IT? The Dark Tower books? They’re mind-bending texts, pushing more boundaries than most self-consciously “innovative” lit.
oh man, this just made my day. I’d like to add Tom Clancy to this list, along with that dude whose name I can’t remember who co-writes a lot his books–I thought it was Zack something, he wrote these great SECRETS OF NINTENDO books in the 80s and then somehow wound up as the T-man’s sidekick. Oh, also, Michael Chricton, even though he’s dead, because he became such a huge rightwing asshole, I can’t help but feel his assholery lives on. Oh and what about the secretive collective that calls itself RL STINE. If they bring the Columbia Gold and Cristal, I’ll bring the getting wasted and blowing them.
LIVIN’ LARGE.
oh man, this just made my day. I’d like to add Tom Clancy to this list, along with that dude whose name I can’t remember who co-writes a lot his books–I thought it was Zack something, he wrote these great SECRETS OF NINTENDO books in the 80s and then somehow wound up as the T-man’s sidekick. Oh, also, Michael Chricton, even though he’s dead, because he became such a huge rightwing asshole, I can’t help but feel his assholery lives on. Oh and what about the secretive collective that calls itself RL STINE. If they bring the Columbia Gold and Cristal, I’ll bring the getting wasted and blowing them.
LIVIN’ LARGE.
I would totally add Clive Cussler to this esteemed list. When I was a teenager, I loved his books so much. Dirk Pitt seemed so hot. And he survived everything. And he had a bunch of old cars and lived in a hangar and was super super sexy and covert and he loves the ocean. But then Cussler had to write 11 books a year and Dirk Pitt got old and then he had two secret kids (twins, of course) that he knew nothing about and Al Giordano settled down and it was all very confusing so Cussler invented a new hero, a thinly veiled Dirk Pitt light named Kurt Austin and that guy and the ghost writer who writes him suck.
I would totally add Clive Cussler to this esteemed list. When I was a teenager, I loved his books so much. Dirk Pitt seemed so hot. And he survived everything. And he had a bunch of old cars and lived in a hangar and was super super sexy and covert and he loves the ocean. But then Cussler had to write 11 books a year and Dirk Pitt got old and then he had two secret kids (twins, of course) that he knew nothing about and Al Giordano settled down and it was all very confusing so Cussler invented a new hero, a thinly veiled Dirk Pitt light named Kurt Austin and that guy and the ghost writer who writes him suck.
You give Patterson too much credit. He gets others to shit out his books, then gives them a “&” and five percent of the jacket cover real estate.
You give Patterson too much credit. He gets others to shit out his books, then gives them a “&” and five percent of the jacket cover real estate.
i used to masturbate to rl stine and christopher pike. pike was so smutty.
i used to masturbate to rl stine and christopher pike. pike was so smutty.
My favorite thing about Tom Clancy is that in some chapters, a character’s name will be O’Ryan, and then all of the sudden it’s O’Brien. His editor is AWESOME. But hey, they usually manage to keep within the right ethnic stereotype.
My favorite thing about Tom Clancy is that in some chapters, a character’s name will be O’Ryan, and then all of the sudden it’s O’Brien. His editor is AWESOME. But hey, they usually manage to keep within the right ethnic stereotype.
I always secretly dug Michener. I’ll admit it.
I always secretly dug Michener. I’ll admit it.
And thank goodness for that.
And thank goodness for that.
Big props on Mystic River.
Big props on Mystic River.
I’m new to the site and half way down I began to think this was a joke. Please tell me I’m right?
I’m new to the site and half way down I began to think this was a joke. Please tell me I’m right?
effin’ hee-larious! at first i thought the hot dudes were the pic for glenn beck !
effin’ hee-larious! at first i thought the hot dudes were the pic for glenn beck !
Where’s Danielle Steele? I, for one, can’t do without that incest story line. It gets better every time.
Where’s Danielle Steele? I, for one, can’t do without that incest story line. It gets better every time.
Oh. Nevermind. Got caught up in the sexy Rachel Ray graphic.
Oh. Nevermind. Got caught up in the sexy Rachel Ray graphic.
You have fine taste, my friend. Ever try Ardbeg? TRY ARDBEG
Yeah, Pike was some R-rated shit. And the stories were so bonkers. RL Stine was much more blah blah blah. Yeah, there were cheerleaders, but you were really doing most of the work. Even as a kid, I remember thinking “if one more bone is described as breaking with a ‘sickening crack’ I’m going to slap this assclown in his assy face.” I feel like in some ways, giving up Stine and becoming a Pike devotee was the true beginning of my identity as a literary critic. Except probably not really.
You have fine taste, my friend. Ever try Ardbeg? TRY ARDBEG
Yeah, Pike was some R-rated shit. And the stories were so bonkers. RL Stine was much more blah blah blah. Yeah, there were cheerleaders, but you were really doing most of the work. Even as a kid, I remember thinking “if one more bone is described as breaking with a ‘sickening crack’ I’m going to slap this assclown in his assy face.” I feel like in some ways, giving up Stine and becoming a Pike devotee was the true beginning of my identity as a literary critic. Except probably not really.
I’m with both of you on Pike. Now actually I want to read those again. You two are the second and third writers I like to mention Pike in the past few days. Maybe it’s a sign I should reread “Chain Letter.” Fuck it. I’m doing it.
I’m with both of you on Pike. Now actually I want to read those again. You two are the second and third writers I like to mention Pike in the past few days. Maybe it’s a sign I should reread “Chain Letter.” Fuck it. I’m doing it.
yes!
yes!
Michael, you should check out Gideon. Guy must be loaded.
Michael, you should check out Gideon. Guy must be loaded.
Years ago, I told my Grandmother I always wanted to be a writer. She was so excited, handing me a copy of “Chesapeake”. By the end of the trip, I told her I just hand’t gotten into it. We didn’t discuss my writing after that.
Years ago, I told my Grandmother I always wanted to be a writer. She was so excited, handing me a copy of “Chesapeake”. By the end of the trip, I told her I just hand’t gotten into it. We didn’t discuss my writing after that.
huge props. that book is great. i also liked his short story “Until Gwen”.
huge props. that book is great. i also liked his short story “Until Gwen”.
I bet Jorie Graham has hordes of filthy cash.
[…] Steel and “That Madea Guy” both make the list of “15 Rich-Ass Authors I’ve Suddenly Decided to Like“. […]
I bet Jorie Graham has hordes of filthy cash.
and where’s the J.K. Rowling love? She could buy and sell each one of these fuckers.
and where’s the J.K. Rowling love? She could buy and sell each one of these fuckers.
this was awesome.
this was awesome.
tayari jones has been monitoring this…. it sounds like he might just be financing/producing, hopefully he won’t mess with shit creatively?
tayari jones has been monitoring this…. it sounds like he might just be financing/producing, hopefully he won’t mess with shit creatively?
i actually kind of like that about him.
i actually kind of like that about him.
oh god, like that trilogy …the party, the prom, graduation, or something like that?? that was his, right? where the female protag is checking out the football guy’s ass in this totally cruisy gay male-ish way?
oh god, like that trilogy …the party, the prom, graduation, or something like that?? that was his, right? where the female protag is checking out the football guy’s ass in this totally cruisy gay male-ish way?
pike WAS bonkers. the last vampire series was probably my first foray into bdsm.
pike WAS bonkers. the last vampire series was probably my first foray into bdsm.
[…] wants to go on a midnight run to Barnes & Noble later? Anybody? Uh, anyone at all? Tags: dan brown, The Lost […]
[…] In response to HTMLGIANT’s Blake Butler’s list of “15 Towering Literary Figures” and Christopher Higgs’ list of “15 Significant Contemporary Women Writers,” Michael Schaub makes his own list: “15 Rich-Ass Authors I’ve Suddenly Decided to Like.” […]