[Matchup #26 in Tournament of Bookshit]

internet vs. intellect

i’ll probably never get a facebook friend request from a dude or an email from a male professor again, but:

 

horny middle aged balding poetry professor on campus vs.

horny college aged dude-bro poet on facebook

 

starts talking to you about gender and offers you an independent study on Judith Butler

starts talking to you about gender and offers to publish you in his online journal

winner: if the journal is well put together with other impressive contributors, bro

 

sends you social commentary from JSTOR

sends you social commentary from Thought Catalog

winner: professor, unless he sends an article by jimmy chen and then jimmy somehow wins this round

 

dinner parties

keg parties

winner: bro, fuck dinner parties

 

constantly talks about how publishing was ‘different’ before the internet

is overly enthusiastic about the online lit scene

winner: bro

 

well thought out syllabus

well thought out blog design

winner: professor

 

donates to kickstarter

has a kickstarter

winner: no one

 

impressive bookshelf in his office

impressive bookmarks online

winner: bro, having access to what people usually privately look at online is hot (to me)

 

his homepage is oed.com

his homepage is urbandictionary.com

winner: bro

 

made his own wikipedia entry

doesn’t have a wikipedia entry

winner: i guess bro unless you’re michael martone and make your own amazing wikipedia entry about yourself (please do this martone!)

 

is teaching a graduate workshop on the public v. the private

thinks anytime you say private or public you must be talking about twitter

winner: professor, although i’ve seen twitter accounts that do what the workshop does better

 

has a daughter older than you

has a girlfriend younger than you

winner: professor, as long as she’s not a writer too

 

sucks at sexting

sucks at sex

winner: professor

 

hasn’t read ‘don’t die alone’ by michael inscoe

hasn’t read ‘death of the author’ by roland barthes

winner: professor, if you write and take yourself seriously as a writer or even a reader and you haven’t read this piece by barthes then idk, how old are you? what is going on? no on has made you read this?

 

blames intelligence for lacking social skill/feelings of overwhelming alienation and loneliness

blames internet for lacking social skill/feelings of overwhelming alienation and loneliness

winner: professor, he gets paid for that

 

shows shitty youtube videos in class

has a shitty youtube channel

winner: bro, at least you don’t have to watch him awkwardly navigate internet explorer while you sip your coffee

 

gets drunk and talks about writing

gets drunk and talks about writing

winner: you if you can manage to always stay one drink ahead

 

invites you to a department reading

invites you to ustream

winner: maybe bro because i can at least just silence that and listen to rap music instead, depends on if the reading is somehow at a bar with cheap alcohol

 

gives you a signed copy of his book

sends you a link to his paypal for a pdf of his book, excuse me an ebook

winner: situational, based on content of the book (usually professor)

 

holds people captive to rant about whatever idea pops in his head like that has anything to do with them liking his book

thinks that making people listen to you in that way is what a writer is

winner: both lose

 

constantly talks about how crazy he feels for wanting to sleep with a student

constantly talks about how crazy he feels for wanting to sleep with someone he met online

winner: professor, nothing about meeting online is or ever has been crazy

– Madison Langston

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WINNER:  horny middle aged balding poetry professor on campus

Tags: bro, horny poet