December 1st, 2011 / 4:42 pm

ToBS R1: ‘is the author of’ vs. bowties

[Matchup #8 in Tournament of Bookshit]


Seems like boys (girls later) who wear bow ties are either those who’ve never seen their own asshole or they’re so preoccupied with their own asshole they carry a snapshot of their asshole in the leather handbag they refer to as a ‘tote.’ Either a douche or a douche. There are exceptions, of course, as there always is with FASHION, that grand meatus of illusion, and so we’ll give pervs like Pee-Wee Herman a pass ’cause he knew that in order to sport a ridiculous trademark you gotta show a little dick. The tools I’m talking about are the casual bow-tie wearers, the straight twink walking down San Francisco’s Valencia Street with a Vonnegut tattoo whose ‘girl’ owns more accessories than books, and who has never read Tom Wolfe but knows enough to pass him off as a ‘fashionable guy’ and there’s something about that bow around a str8 twink’s neck that makes me think of a half-assed suicide attempt, a bottle of Tylenol PM chased with a bottle of $10 corner store Gnarly Head Pinot Noir, or ‘X marks the spot’ like DECAPITATE ME HERE FOR GOOD HEAD. I’ve attended three readings where the readers wore bow ties and I imagined their soft putty nutsack flesh twisted around the neck instead of the $19 American Apparel polka-dotted cotten. I attended San Francisco’s Literary Death Match and met Todd Zuniga and stared at his bow tie the same way my ex-boyfriend stared at women’s tits. Seems like bow ties would be much cooler if they were made of ball flesh, not to mention pleasing a man’s sack would be easier/more accessible, tho it depends on the dickhead. I don’t really know how I feel about girls in bow-ties. I mean, I like the gender-queer bois who sport ties, but straight girls who sport bow ties seem like bitches who don’t give head and powder their puss. I guess if a girl has to wear something around her neck I’d rather it be a dog-collar attached to a leash, but that seems mean. Maybe if Vonnegut had sold these instead of overrated paperbacks, I’d appreciate the attempt to convey intelligence through neckware. Tie a bomb around your neck and whisper ‘god is in the details.’


I just stood up and walked over to the table next to my bed and Blake’s Nothing was sitting there, so I picked it up and looked for 3 things:

1. How many times Blake’s name is mentioned (not including quoted ‘praise’ for previous works): 10 (referred to as ‘Butler’ 2x)

2. How many times ‘Is The Author Of’ is mentioned: 3

3. How many times his previous books are mentioned (again, not including the quoted ‘praise’): 4

How many shits do you take in a day, Blake?

Lorian Long

– – –

WINNER: bowties

Tags: ,


  1. Tummler

      I would’ve called bullshit on this whole tournament if bowties hadn’t won.

  2. Tim Jones-Yelvington


  3. Leapsloth14

      Me likes it.

  4. Tim Jones-Yelvington

      “they’re so preoccupied with their own asshole they carry a snapshot of
      their asshole in the leather handbag they refer to as a ‘tote.’”


  5. Scott Riley Irvine

      I’m team “don’t give head and powder their puss.”

  6. Lincoln Michel

      I blame Doctor Who for this round.

  7. Madison Langston

      ugh this makes me want to break up with my boyfriend for living in san francisco and having a vonnegut tattoo 

  8. Tim Jones-Yelvington

      I am preoccupied with my asshole, but I am also not adverse to showing a little dick.

      I still want to know whether Todd Zuniga has any relation to my glamour mama Daphne (

      I specifically went out of my way to go to American Apparel for the first time in like over a year in search of bowties and found NOTHING.

  9. lorian long

      i <3 my asshole too

  10. Jason Jimenez

      best match so far. way to go lorian long.

  11. mimi

      1) please can I judge the “badass lorian long vs. badass melissa broder 12.1.11” bracket ?  

      2) powderpuffs and powder can be fun in the panty area

  12. shaun gannon

      last night i broke a finger when i punched a taco bell

  13. deadgod

      1)  You won’t find the word “chief” or phrase “-in-chief” on the non-“Recent” part of this page: .  Would you expect much of a contest?

      2)  There are “powder[s]” which are fun almost everywhere, including in the panty/boxer/brief/thong/fig-leaf area.  Maybe Lorian means ‘while powdering their puss’.

  14. Matt Rowan

      Dammit, you had me till the potshot at Vonnegut. Now you’ll only ever be second best. I’m sorry for being such a homer, but I’m a Vonnegut homer. Not to say in his fiction he can do no wrong, just never would I call his paperbacks “overrated.” 

      But yes, go bowties?!

  15. Craig Ronald Marchinkoski

      tit suspenders are trending in my daydreams 

  16. michael


  17. Lilzed

      this article successfully de-familiarized bow ties for me such that I forgot men ever wore them

  18. Anonymous

  19. Anonymous

  20. Anonymous

  21. Tournament of Bookshits | Full Stop

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