[Matchup #31 in Tournament of Bookshit]

Holy receding hairlines! This is quite the week for middle-aged men, with no less than two new texts targeting the graying templed-set: Middle Aged White Male Heterosexual Sex Scene AND Middle Age White Male Self-Published Sci Fi Novel Pt 1! TJY and the Actionettes have made no secret of our fetish for hot, pot-bellied daddies – so this is the kind of news that has us sweating off our makeup, creaming our sequins and quaking in our stilettos!

Scientists may have disproven the existence of the “midlife crisis,” but that hasn’t stopped these brash boomers from indulging in their long-held fantasies of literary glory. But in today’s crowded marketplace, which of these texts has what it takes to grab readers’ attention? Lucky for you, TJY and the Actionettes are on the case to give these texts a thorough reading… and reading. In this feature, we subject Middle Aged White Male Heterosexual Sex Scene and Middle Aged White Male Self-Published Sci Fi Novel Pt 1 to our patented SASS criteria – which, as most of you know, stands for: Style, Artistry, Sex & Sociopathy — to see how they stack up!

Style: Whatchu say, girl? You asked us if those daddies got assonance? What, you think we mean prose style? Oh no, Hunty, in this category, it’s all about THE CLOTHES, and since Middle Aged White Male Heterosexual Sex Scene ain’t got any (And it’s a damn shame… There was soooo much potential here for some fierce costumed role play!), we’re going to have to go with Middle Aged White Male Self-Published Sci Fi Novel Pt 1. But that doesn’t mean we’re not enthusiastic. This text serves up some FIERCE Live Action Role Play realness. We’re talking chainmail, tentacles, shiny warrior bling and sky-high shoulder pads, or as we like to call them – SWAGGER PINNACLES. Sickening!

Artistry: This is the category that demonstrates once and for all: You really can judge a book by its cover! That’s right, Hunty, it’s ALL about the cover art. And sorry, Middle Aged White Male Self-Published Sci Fi Novel Pt 1, but that paperback pulp looks’ about as played and as criminal as Lindsay Lohan’s record. THANK GOD that minimalist cover that Middle Aged White Male Heterosexual Sex Scene’s rocking (It doesn’t have a cover, remember? It’s not a book!) is TOTALLY NOW. Three snaps for Hetero Sex!

Sex: You’d think that Middle Aged White Male Heterosexual Sex Scene would have this category on lockdown, given it’s ALL ABOUT sex. But where sex is concerned, sentences DO matter, and let’s just say Middle Aged White Male Heterosexual’s came nowhere near disrupting our tuck. Right about the time that Middle Aged White Male Heterosexual drove the heel of his boot into his lady friend’s face, then carved off her eyelid with a hunting knife, his clumsy syntax completely killed the moment. Here, Middle Aged White Male Self-Published Sci Fi Novel Pt 1 was an unexpected victor. We’ve seen nothing hotter this year than the alien guide Tbnkafia’s early, erotic expiration while crossing a planet whose surface the author describes as resembling a giant, Wild Berry Pop Tart that opens and closes at will. Tbnkafia tumbles, is sucked inside, crushed and smothered by glorious filling, experiencing a boner-boinging moment of transcendent ecstasy before his final flameout. We nearly messed our panties.

Sociopathy: Girl, did you READ Middle Aged White Male Heterosexual Sex Scene? That is some Fucked. Up. Shit.

– Tim Jones-Yelvington and the Actionettes

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WINNER: We appear to have a tie – and since FASHION always triumphs over everything else ever, to Middle Aged White Male Self-Published Sci Fi Novel Pt 1 goes the spoils. HALLELOO!