Emma Roberts pees in a jar and massages my imagination. A friend encourages.

[matchup #60 in Tournament of Bookshit]

“Funny how new facts pop up and make you doubt that there’s any goodness in life.”¹ An ewer of wisdom. “The first baby of the new year, her arrival had been announced in all the papers as if she were heir to a throne or a fortune instead of the daughter of a sometime fisherman and fulltime gambler, and the best waitress at the Garden Cove Pancake House on U.S. 1.”² There are times when your connection to humanity is self-evident, joyously overwhelming. “She had to take a shower, like, immediately.”³ Who doesn’t know the bright snap of day, and welcome it? “Most people think about age and experience in terms of years, but it’s really only moments that define us.”⁴ Could it be any sweeter? “The club will not run out of tequila until I get my hair right. So shut the fuck up.”⁵ Forms like dew, inevitable as the sun. “One of the things I hate most about this book is that it is all about me.”⁶ Alas, we are all selecting principles. “Surely this babe would be impressed by his résumé.”⁷ Alas.

¹ James Franco, Palo Alto

² Pamela Anderson, Star

³ Lauren Conrad, L.A. Candy

⁴ Glenn Beck, The Overton Window

⁵ Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi, A Shore Thing

⁶ Macaulay Culkin, Junior

⁷ Bill O’Reilly, Those Who Trespass

– Michael Schiavo

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WINNER: : calling anything you write a manuscript