July 15th, 2013 / 11:30 am
Behind the Scenes & Random

Dear Rauan,…(3)

Rabbit Prancing

Rauan – Ready to Help


[  note: I’ve never been happier, never felt more fulfilled, because I know that I am helping people — and thanks again to Kim Gek Lin for turning me on to this xoxox  ]


and this time we have a desperate cry for help from Paul in Massachusetts:

dear rauan

my wife won’t fuck me because I’m not “alt lit” enough and when we do get hot and heavy she demands we role play tao lin and marie calloway doing 69 while we’re tripping on shrooms. And I just can’t do it, rauan, even though it does sound very erotic. One time, also, a whale stuck its head out of my wife’s Mumu (yes, this is what she makes me call it) and started licking my balls

and i was just freaked out
and i was just freaked out
and i was just freaked out
and i was just freaked out

is there something wrong with me, rauan?

thank you in advance,
Paul “boost” Refrere


whale tongue cartoon



And, so–

Rauan Responds:


Dear Paul,

1) first of all, “tao lin” is very erotic. Or do I mean neurotic? “Erotic” is a hard word to pin down: a slippery thing. Or despotic? Quixotic? Full of air and light. Extremely sincere (an ice-jewel treed with suicide). And something you need to beat like an old TV.

2) sexual jealousy and confusion are a slippery slope. And I do not recommend that you pull a Mark Chapman and stalk and kill Tao or any other sensual beast. (Rachel Glaser’s got a great take on a John Lennon life relished to the death through a video game in her excellent Pee on Water). So, no, yeah, I absolutely do not recommend this. In fact I forbid it (cue patriotic, heroic music and Mel Gibson’s charged conviction.)

mel gibson freedom

heroic – but flawed

3) go to the market, kid, and buy a cow’s tongue, string it through with wire, and walk around with it around your neck for a week or two. (for some extra fun pour some honey on it and lie down on an anthill). And then, I promise you, that whale’s tongue on your balls won’t feel so bad.

creepy cult

be careful, paul — (KG Bigelow)

4) I went fishing one time and I caught this whale. And I felt great at first. Like I was sitting inside all of life’s mysteries. A master of all tensions and insecurities. But then the lake turned into a slow-moving, interminable twilight and the boat was glass, slippery, green and wet. And everything was crackling like a cult’s electric fence. And I felt, like the lost pages of a book, “something” insinuating itself into my spine, soft and casual as a devious mouse. Be careful, paul, be very careful.

(play the clip above while reading this. very important!)

5) Take as many Muumuu books as you’ll need (I have no idea of yr cock size, though I have a clue) and turn them into pulp (soak, soak) and then fashion a cast around your hardest and angriest manifest. And then go to India and beat some beggars and rat-eaters senseless with your great Muumuu cock.

i regret nothing

just do it

6) stars, teenagers and chickens can’t sleep till the moon reassures us we’re all really special. And he does this by regaling us with young-moon adventures of how when the universe was made young-moon felt really weird. And then, falling through gray nothings, bad reviews tongue us like sad poetry spores.

7) Shut the fuck up and fuck your wife.

lincoln with boy

If…If…If…If… — “You’ll be a Man my son!”


glad I could help,


dear rauan 1 …  is global warming making men more horny?

dear rauan 2 …  how would I go about writing for htmlgiant?



  1. Richard Grayson

      I doubt that letter was real. I think the author just made it up.

  2. Rauan Klassnik


  3. jereme_dean

      That chicken animation speaks to my soul.

  4. bemightee

      that mel gibson gif is freakin’ me out.

  5. Rauan Klassnik

      like Whitman my advice column speaks to the universal soul, and really, really, “you must change your life” — Glad I could help, Rauan

  6. Rauan Klassnik

      freaking out is just a stop on the trail to being helped, healed.
      and glad I could help, Rauan

  7. Dear Rauan,…(6) | HTMLGIANT

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