One Obituary: Duotrope’s Digest
Duotrope’s Digest (August 4, 2005-October 14, 2010) Duotrope died today, of its own name, some vague ailment of droopy eyelids and an ass so smart its brain filled its hole and then all the universe exploded into the nearest ceiling fan. Today dead, Duotrope of serial liposuction, as in the last time (Jesus, chill-the-fuck-out, you Heidi Blair Montag of a site. Hey guys, leave Newpages! We got bigger tits!) they crunk-a-ma-jigged the layout and then hit me and my kin up for money. (As I write this, Duotrope is status HIGH, as in YELLOW, 36% short of their monthly pecuniary quest. Year-to-Date they are 20% short, labeled HIGHE$$T, or Holy Fuck!, a RED alert 4 alarm {low} fire of tattooed lipstick. [Like our government, Duotrope has a color code system that all but douche bags ignore]). Duotrope dead of popped pronephros, dribble, dribble…Duotrope deceased, choked on the very versicolor vomit of statistics they choose to shove down our hoary throats (They eat it too, see? That’s how they know it tastes good.) Do you understand Willow Springs accepts 0% of submissions (well, fuck me and my latest Spam-villanelle), yet they reject 88%? (If you don’t believe me, go to Duotrope.). Dark times, folks. Death by jostled lynx this morning, Duotrope. Dead by sub-sprachgefühl, I mean divaricator/dust, of course. Or simple spoon? Note: Duotrope killed today by wound of flung nacho. Duotrope eaten by my father. Like every empire (or umpire) known to history, Duotrope has fallen. Croaked. Expired. Sad to report, that spreadsheet we once called Duotrope, dead as disco this morning, done, d-uh, died–of exposure.
Fourteen Hills, WTF?
Fourteen Hills, I respect you, you had a cool anthology, and I’ve sent you stuff before because I like you (and will probably send you stuff again), but couldn’t you have just pretended this particular 775-day form rejection ‘got lost in the mail’? I mean, I understand shit sometimes falls behind the mini-fridge, but two years? Good grief – next time, just take the SASE and use it for yourself. Nobody will ever know.
What’s great about this is I can’t tell who has the better sense of humor: the author who reported this rejection on Duotrope or whoever on your staff decided to write this bit of copy: ‘Fourteen Hills is a testimony to the fact that independent, innovative and experimental literature is alive and thriving.’
Duotrope Joins the Marketplace
Duotrope’s Digest has made a few changes. In addition to what the webmasters call a ‘fresh coat of paint’ for the site, Duotrope has opened an online store with Zazzle to sell a variety of writer-related things.
Here are a few pictures of what they’re selling.
(after the jump):