The online literature world can be broken down into two groups: the ‘Bookish’ and the ‘Sophisticated.’ These groups convey their partisanship with fonts. The font world is broken down into either serif (Times New Roman, Garamond, Georgia) or sans-serif (Helvitica, Veranda, Arial). Of course, there are overlaps, but I’m talking about ethos here baby, shit. From editorial discretion to readership disposition, there is no denying font type. Below is an in depth analysis on the demographics of font-people.

I. BOOKISH

‘Bookish’ people have a lot of books on their shelves and smell like libraries. They read a lot, often dense and abstruse stuff that ‘normal Walmart people’ won’t understand. When I list serif-populated websites, you will know exactly what I’m talking about: McSweeney’s, elimae, eyeshot, Prick of the Spindle, pequin, etc. See what I mean? Now can’t you just imagine a bunch of people wearing elbow patches w/ thick-ass glasses in Cambridge reading this stuff? They are very attached to the printed word — with those lyrical cursive-esque ‘thingies.’ These people are likely to drink herbal tea in the afternoon and cry occasionally. You will find an unread copy of Mason & Dixon on their shelf. They are often pale, white, and pudgy. They have uninspired, or even ‘bad’ sex because they are always thinking about grammar.

II. SOPHISTICATED

There’s this documentary “Helvetica” which I found really annoying. It was all these Europeans who ‘went off’ on how they changed the world with that font.  Helvetica (or Microsoft’s bastardized version Arial) is used everywhere (picture the Target or JC Penney logo). There’s this idea that sans-serif fonts are more modern and ‘with the times.’ Minimalism, from which sans-serif was derived, attracts cynical people. (None of the propagators were breast-fed.) Here are examples: Muumuu House, HTMLGIANT, No Posit, (most of) Bear Parade, Robot Melon, My Name is Mud, etc. See? Now can’t you just imagine a bunch of people sitting on $2000 design chairs with their German techno in the background eating freakin’ carpaccio off of square plates? These people do not believe in God.

Conclusion: The only non-annoying font-type is braille. : : . . : .

See what I mean?