October 13th, 2008 / 12:28 am
Web Hype

Against HTML, Giants, and HTMLGiant

The following essay was written last Friday in preperation for Mean Week. Had its author known Blake Butthair would have employed similar rhetoric, he would have posted this earlier.

1. HTML stands for Hyper Text Markup Language, which is a euphemism for ‘gay ass effects for little bitches.’ Most common examples of ‘text markup’ are bold and italics. Whoever wrote it had some major issues, this thing for reciprocity. Every ‘tag’ needs to be closed by an ‘end-tag,’ for example:

<head>

<title>I’m a little geek bitch</title>

</head>

HTML is also homosexual, for example:

<head>

<title>I swallow cum</title>

</head>

2. GIANTS are severely retarded people with gross birth defects. Popular culture tries to render giants who are either likable (Sun Ming Ming) or martyrs (Gulliver, relative scale). Anthropologically speaking, Giants represent the first stages of human devolution. Darwinian theory is as follows (paraphrased for you goddamn plebeians): the more you can survive this hell on earth, the more you can fuck as many people you can, the more kids you’ll have who share your genetic disposition, and the more they can continue suffering and fucking. My point is: don’t fuck giants.

3. HTMLGIANT is the brain (however dense) child of Blake Butler and Gene Morgan, who are both addicted to the internet and their daily attempts to excavate the hard white bumps found on the underside of their penile shafts (which, incidentally, implicates quite well that their conditions were exchanged mutually). All of the contributing writers suffer from some sort of Excavation Fetish:

–Kendra Malone’s nightly refrigerator ‘dairy’ raids (I can’t believe it’s butter).

–Shane Jones’ public library poetry section “ejaculatory duct exodus” (to quote the librarian).

–Matthew Simmons’ nearly fatal nose picks, in which he searches for a clue.

–Justin Taylor’s quarterly Zoetrope rejection letter tear-duct hemorrhaging.

–Josh Maday’s silent-yet-strong (cough, gay) soul, spurted onto his mirror like some over ripe human-sized zit.

–Ryan Call’s eyelash plucking bonanza, in his attempt to render his face even more difficult to look at.

–Mike Young’s ‘dry yet emotional acoustic song’ plopping out of his guitar hole and mouth.

–Last and least, Sam Pink’s annual anal-outcome, in which all the shit that’s been crammed up there by his teenage blogger friends finally leaks out, surely the year’s most translucent and anti-climactic creampie.

And as for you, dear reader. Holy. Fuck.

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32 Comments

  1. Blake Butler

      you didnt realize that since you logged into write for the site i now have access to your hard drive. i am publishing your novel ‘gaysian: a tale of two sex identities’ in winter 09 from corneratoerte book

  2. Blake Butler

      you didnt realize that since you logged into write for the site i now have access to your hard drive. i am publishing your novel ‘gaysian: a tale of two sex identities’ in winter 09 from corneratoerte book

  3. Jimmy Chen

      Russia should just bomb your Georgia Blake

  4. Jimmy Chen

      Russia should just bomb your Georgia Blake

  5. Ryan Call

      can russia bomb chattanooga too?

  6. Ryan Call

      can russia bomb chattanooga too?

  7. Kendra Malone

      jimmy, blake was funnier, although he does indeed have an abnormally large head

  8. Kendra Malone

      jimmy, blake was funnier, although he does indeed have an abnormally large head

  9. Jimmy Chen

      i can’t believe it’s butter

  10. Jimmy Chen

      i can’t believe it’s butter

  11. Blake Butler

      i think jimmy kicked my ass

      I LOVE MEAN WEEK FUCK!@!!!!!!!!

  12. Blake Butler

      i think jimmy kicked my ass

      I LOVE MEAN WEEK FUCK!@!!!!!!!!

  13. Kendra Malone

      we are rapidly loosing our readership due to poor credibility

  14. Blake Butler

      exactly the opposite

  15. Kendra Malone

      we are rapidly loosing our readership due to poor credibility

  16. Blake Butler

      exactly the opposite

  17. Jimmy Chen

      blake, kendra: gmail chatting might be a better venue for your aimless conversation. this is my post.

  18. Jimmy Chen

      blake, kendra: gmail chatting might be a better venue for your aimless conversation. this is my post.

  19. Kendra Malone

      step up off me with your entitlement complex jimmy. this is a public forum with open commenting options. if you dont like ‘aimless conversation’ then post somewhere like a fucking newspaper.

  20. Kendra Malone

      step up off me with your entitlement complex jimmy. this is a public forum with open commenting options. if you dont like ‘aimless conversation’ then post somewhere like a fucking newspaper.

  21. bryan

      “don’t fuck giants” LOL

  22. bryan

      “don’t fuck giants” LOL

  23. Darby Larson

      so far, it seems mean week has been directed mostly inward, as in the htmlgiant people squabbling with each other, which probably happens in real life anyway, and is kind of amusing in the same way professional wrestling is amusing. Blake’s harrassment of FOU has been the only mean thing I’ve seen so far.

      What I’m saying is I think you are all very nice people. And good for you.

  24. Darby Larson

      so far, it seems mean week has been directed mostly inward, as in the htmlgiant people squabbling with each other, which probably happens in real life anyway, and is kind of amusing in the same way professional wrestling is amusing. Blake’s harrassment of FOU has been the only mean thing I’ve seen so far.

      What I’m saying is I think you are all very nice people. And good for you.

  25. Blake Butler

      i think we’re just getting some dick punches in on ourselves to make it clear that we are smart, then we can be mean freely and with our balls bruised

  26. Blake Butler

      i think we’re just getting some dick punches in on ourselves to make it clear that we are smart, then we can be mean freely and with our balls bruised

  27. Kendra Malone

      i am going to write a post about how darby is a bitch (i love you i didnt mean that)

  28. Kendra Malone

      i am going to write a post about how darby is a bitch (i love you i didnt mean that)

  29. Darby Larson

      Blake, that makes sense.

      Kendra, thank you (okay.).

  30. Darby Larson

      Blake, that makes sense.

      Kendra, thank you (okay.).

  31. john

      Ryan Call’s anus is so loose that the Incredible Hulk would have difficulty fisting him. And that is the truth, Ruth.

  32. john

      Ryan Call’s anus is so loose that the Incredible Hulk would have difficulty fisting him. And that is the truth, Ruth.