Web Hype
Comment on This Post: Giant Triple Threat Giveaway (Ken Baumann, Marie Calloway, Tao Lin)
I know there was a Tao Lin post x hours ago, but I don’t care. I have books to give away. Want to win free books? Want to grumble? Comment on this post to get one of these:
FIRST PRIZE goes to the commenter with the best* comment
SECOND PRIZE goes to the commenter with the worst* comment
THIRD PRIZE goes to the commenter who makes the MOST* comments (bonus for over 100)
each prize will be selected randomly from the (pictured) prize pool of:
Solip by Ken Baumann
what purpose did i serve in your life by Marie Calloway
Taipei by Tao Lin
*as calculated by me
(for the curious, the reason I have these books is that I pre-ordered two out of the three, then received ARCs. i bought two copies of Ken’s because I knew it would be badass)
Tags: giveaway, Ken Baumann, Marie Calloway, new york tyrant, Solip, Taipei, Tao Lin, tyrant books, Vintage, what purpose did i serve in your life
you are overshadowing my kanye thing i just posted that
I hope Seth Oelbaum competes for these in some way.
damn it, i feel bad now. i listened to that! people overshadow my posts all the time. http://htmlgiant.com/music/kanye-west-yeezus-listening-party/ http://htmlgiant.com/music/kanye-west-yeezus-listening-party/
why did you delete your twitter
i guess because so i could take all those good ideas and write them down to use later in more curated, refined pursuits. also so all the bad ideas get naturally filtered out instead of read by everyone
i hope so too. Fishkind is currently in the “quantity” lead with two comments though.
is there an incentive structure in place for how to get which book? like if we seem overly emotional–> tao lin, if we are lydia kiesling–>calloway? (and how do we get the baumann?)
I’m only after a single prize.
Skittles and scrap, would be my swallow.
you re not here to make friends. you re here to win.
I like _you_.
“At this point, I think it’s safe to say that books are for people who don’t have the intellectual and emotional fortitude required to watch contemporary horror films. I ask, Which is the greater challenge? No one who has seen the latest ‘Evil Dead’ would dare suggest that any book could present the sort of joyous obstacle to the mind’s complacency offered by that film, nor could they possibly present anything which is better than such a joyous obstacle to the mind’s complacency.”
if there is, it is a secret structure.
institutional transparency or mercy. i will *NOT* win by commenting the most. every comment is a brick away from the wall i could have built in a fight for my dignity.
prizes definitely awarded randomly after three winners are selected
Please don’t make me do the whole comment posting thing. Just give me the damn books. At least I’ll read ’em, unlike many of the lit pretenders that visit this site.
PROVE IT TO ME HENRY
But I’m here because I want that Marie Calloway book and I don’t want to order it from Amazon, which is the only option on the NY Tyrant website. #isthereaprizeformosthonestanswer? #whynot? #whythehellnotbrooks!
we might need to define our–or i guess “a”–system of order. “prizes” for “winners,” sure. but yeah what is the prize for charlie sheen etc
If anyone’s ever even been to Taiwan, they can have Tao Lin. Otherwise, you can give it to the guy who lived there for a year and ran up Taipei 101 in 16 minutes and a half minutes.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iRgNIQ32G1o
sesame street memories
So, uh, what are the current standings?
quantity = colin w/ SIX COMMENTS
best is too hard for me to figure out currently
worst is dead heat between everybody
fffaaaarrrrtttttttsssss
If the prizes are selected randomly, why is there a first prize, a second prize and a third prize rather than just three prizes? The “first, second, third” usually denote that the first prize is best, the second prize not as good as the first, the third prize not as good as the second.
For example, on my Dumbo Books website, I once had a contest and the first prize winner got one of my books, the second prize winner got two of them, and the third prize winner got all of them.
hell yeah
for simplicity’s sake i would venture to say, or in the sense that “first” is not BEST but only initial. however confusing this may be i can’t change it now! it’s far too late! if you want, think of them as PRIZE ONE, PRIZE 2, etc. i can’t recall, but hope you aren’t one to criticize for lack of capitalization–i don’t like capitalization sometimes
I suppose I could send you a photo of one of my eyeglass prescriptions? But that’s too embarrassing. My ophthalmologist tells me that I “read too much,” and this has damaged my eyesight. But please don’t make me prove anything. Just give me the damn books so I don’t have to check out cigarette smoke covered copies from my crappy library.
Six!
i get pussy ass and mouth call that b*tch triple threat
Skin is the meepzoar of flugbaum.
pretty good prices on amazon for these books
okay hopefully 3 will win good night
i wrote a short story.
TAO LIN TRIES BUTTSEX; HILARITY DOES NOT ENSUE
I spent the summer between my 2nd and 3rd year of college suckling on the parental teat in South Florida. It was the absolute prime of my “do anything to get laid” phase. I was recently freed from a 4-year long-distance relationship that began in high school and I wanted nothing more than to have sex with as many girls as possible.
Most of the things I did that summer are not story-worthy; you can only tell the same, “I got drunk on Dom and fucked this hottie” story so many times before it gets annoying. That summer I experienced every random sex situation that a 20 year old can imagine: fucking on the beach, getting head from random girls in club bathrooms, sleeping with 3 different girls in a day, getting so drunk I passed out during sex, getting arrested for receiving fellatio in the pool at the Delano, blah, blah, blah…Jesus. What does it say about how fucked up my life is that I don’t consider these stories to be extraordinary anymore?
Anyway, while most of my stories may not be extraordinary for me, there is one very notable exception…
I was seeing one girl, “Jaime,” about twice a week. She was a fresh arrival to South Beach, having moved there 5 months ago from upstate New York as a 19 year old with a modeling contract. We met through a mutual friend who befriended her while they were shooting a TV commercial. Five weeks and lots of sex later, she thought we were dating. I knew better, but she was way too hot to bother correcting her assumption.
The ex-girlfriend of 4-years I previously spoke about was very sexually conservative. It was missionary in the dark and then straight to sleep, with maybe a blowjob on the weekends if she’d had a few glasses of wine with dinner (it was a high school relationship, I didn’t know any better). After four years of this, I was ready to experience all the things I’d missed out on (when I wasn’t cheating on her, of course).
Buttsex, known in the biz as “anal,” was one of these unknowns, and I decided that I wanted to try it. Jaime was the perfect partner: very hot and very sweet, and more importantly, very naïve and very open to suggestion.
She was reluctant at first, not understanding why we just couldn’t keep having normal sex, so I had to employ my persuasive powers:
Jaime “But…I’ve never done it.”
Tao “I’ve never done it either; it can be our thing.”
Jaime “But…I don’t know if I’ll like it.”
Tao “You won’t have to worry about getting pregnant.”
Jaime “But…I like normal sex.”
Tao “Everyone’s doing anal. It’s the new black.”
Jaime “But…I don’t know…it seems weird.”
Tao “It’s the preferred method in Europe. Especially with the runway models. Don’t you want to do runways in Europe?”
After a few weeks of this, she finally consented. Though she agreed to let me put my penis in her small hole, she extracted a promise in return:
“OK, we can try anal sex, but I want it to be special and romantic. You have to take me out to a nice place, like The Forge or Tantra, NOT one of your parent’s restaurants, and it has to be a weekend night, NOT a Monday. And you have to keep taking me out on weekends. I’m tired of being your Monday night girl.”
I made reservations for the next Friday at Tantra. Aside from being insanely expensive, Tantra is famous for having grass floors. Really; they put in new sod every week. They also advertise their food as “aphrodisiac cuisine.” Yes, at that point in my life, I thought these things worked.
Thanks to my father’s connections, I got us a corner booth in the grass room. She was quite impressed. I ordered like it was the Last Supper. No expense was spared. Two $110 bottles of merlot, veal rack, stone crabs, the Tantra Love platter–it was lavish and decadent. I was 21, stupid, and wanted to fuck Jaime in the butt; I wasn’t about to let a $400 tab get in my way.
By the time we left Tantra, this girl had doe eyes that made Bambi look like a heroin-chic CK model. She could not have been more in love with me. The entire drive back to my place she was rubbing my crotch, telling me how badly she wanted to me to fuck her, how hot I made her, etc, etc. We get back to my place and our clothes are off before we even get in the door. We collapse on the bed and start fucking. Normal vaginal sex at first, just like always.
Now, what she did not know, and what I have not told you yet, was that I had a surprise waiting for her.
[Aside: Before I tell you what the surprise was, let me make this clear: As I stand right now, 27 as of this writing, I am a bad person. At 21, I was possibly the worst person in existence. I had no regard for the feelings of others, I was narcissistic and self-absorbed to the point of psychotic delusion, and I saw other people only as a means to my happiness and not as humans worthy of respect and consideration. I have no excuse for what I did; it was wrong and I regret it. Even though I normally revel in my outlandish behavior, sometimes even I cross the line, and this is one of those situations….but of course, I’m still going to write about it.]
This was going to be my first time foraging in the ass forest, and I wanted to have a reminder of my trip, a memento I could carry with me the rest of my life…so I decided to film us.
I planned this beforehand, but I was afraid she would decline, so instead of being mature and discussing this with Jaime, I just made the executive decision to get it on camera…without telling her.
That alone is pretty bad. But instead of just setting up a hidden camera…I got my friend to hide in my closet and film it.
No really–I know that I will burn in hell. At this point, I’m just hoping that my life can serve as a warning to others.
I left my door unlocked and we arranged it so that around midnight my friend would go over to my place and wait until my car pulled in, and then run into the closet and get the camera ready. The top half of the closet door was a French shutter, so it was easy to move the slats and give him a decent camera shot through the closed door.
By the time Jaime and I got to the bed, I was so drunk I had forgotten that he was filming this, and of course she had no idea he was there. After a few minutes of standard sex, she kinda stopped and said, all serious and in her best seductive soap opera voice, “I’m ready.”
I quickly flipped her over and grabbed the brand new bottle of AstroGlide I had on my bedside table.
A week prior, after Jaime consented to buttsex, I realized that I didn’t have any idea how to do it. How exactly do you fuck a girl in the ass? Luckily, I had the world’s best anal sex informational resource at my disposal: The gay waiter. I consulted several gay waiters who worked at one of my parents restaurants about the mechanics of buttsex, and each one recommended AstroGlide as the lubricant of choice. Much to my dismay, I learned that spitting on your dick is not enough lube for buttsex. Stupid, lying porn movies.
The other important piece of advice I remembered was from Calvin, “Make sure you use enough, because if this is her first time, she’ll be especially tight, and it might hurt her. Use enough to really loosen her up and go slow until she gets used to it. Then it’s smooth sailing from there.”
Well, since some is good, more is better, right? At 21, this seemed logical.
I opened the cap, crammed the bottle top into her asshole, and squeezed. I probably emptied half of the 4-ounces of AstroGlide into her. I have since learned from homosexuals that a 4-ounce bottle usually lasts them about 6 months. So yeah–I overdid it.
But Tao Lin wasn’t done. Oh no, after depositing enough grease in her to run a Formula One racecar, I dumped half of what remained onto my cock and balls, really wanting to lube up because I didn’t want her to be uncomfortable.
Really–consider my thought process: I was going to fuck her in the butt and film it without her consent, yet I was truly concerned about her personal comfort. Sometimes the contradictions in my personality even amuse me.
Predictably, I slid in with ease. She was a little tense at first, but with an Exxon Valdez size load spilled into her poop chute, she quickly loosened up and got into it. I liked it also; it had a different feel to it. Not as good as vaginal sex, a little grainy, kinda tight, but still very nice.
Before I knew it I was fucking her like the apocalypse was imminent, burying it to the hilt with impunity. After a few minutes I was ready to come. My urgency was expressed in my tempo, and I began really jackhammering her. As the excitement got the best of me, I pulled out too far and my dick came out of her ass. I kinda scrambled to grab my dick and put it back in so I could finish off inside of her, but before I could even get a hold of it and put it back in her ass, I heard a faint “psssst” sound and felt something wet and warm hit my crotch.
It was dark in the room (I was not smart or sober enough to leave the lights on for the camera), so after I looked down it took me a few seconds to realize that my dick, balls and groin area were covered in a viscous black liquid. I stopped moving and stared at my strangely colored crotch for a good 5 seconds, completely confused, until I realized what happened:
“Did you…did you just…shit on my dick??”
I reached down to touch the liquid feces, still in complete and utter disbelief that this girl shot explosive diarrhea on my penis, when, without warning, the smell hit me.
I have a very sensitive nose, and I have never been more repulsed by a smell in my life. The combination of synthetic AstroGlide and rancid stench of raw fecal matter combined to turn my stomach, which was full of seafood, veal and wine, completely over.
I tried to hold it back. I really did everything I could to stop myself, but there are certain physical reactions that are beyond conscious control. Before I knew what I was doing, it just came out:
“BBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH”
I vomited all over her ass. Into her crack. Into her asshole. On her ass cheeks. On the small of her back. Everywhere.
She turned her head, said, “Tucker, what are you doing?,” saw me vomiting on her, screamed “Oh my God!,” and immediately joined me:
“BBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH”
Watching her throw up on my bed made me vomit even more. Her vomiting all over my bed, me vomiting on her ass, the next step was almost inevitable.
I heard the loud CRASH first, turned to see my friend break through the shutters and rip the closet door off as he, the video camera, and the door tumbled out of the closet and crashed onto the floor next to us:
“BBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH”
The memory of the 2-second span where all three of us were vomiting at once is permanently seared into my brain. I have never heard anything like that symphony of sickness. It was like something out of the old Pink Panther movies.
I think the crowning moment was when my eyes locked with Jaime’s, I saw her moment of realization and then her quick shift from shock and surprise to complete and irreparable anger. Between bouts of hurling she flipped out:
“OH MY GOD–BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH–YOU FILMED THIS, YOU ASSHOLE– BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH– HOW COULD YOU– BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH–I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME–BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH–OH MY GOD– BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH–I LET YOU FUCK ME IN THE ASS–BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH.”
She tried to stand up, slipped on the huge puddle of backflow AstroGlide on the bed, and fell into both my pile and her pile of vomit, covering her body and hair in vomit, shit and anal lubricant. She flailed on the bed for a second, grabbed the top sheet, wrapped it around her, and started running out of my place. Still naked and retching, my dick covered in shit and oil, I followed her as far as my front door.
The last contact I ever had with her is the image I witnessed of her in a dead sprint, a shit, vomit and grease stained sheet stuck to her body, running from my apartment.
POST-SCRIPT:
The camera we used was one of those old fragile ones that filmed onto a VHS tape, and when he crashed out of the closet, the tape recorder and tape broke. It didn’t occur to us at that the tape records the images magnetically, and we could take the actual tape itself and get someone to put it in another holster until after we had thrown it out. I know it seems stupid now, and believe me I kick myself about it everyday, but you should have seen the apartment afterwards–the tape was not a high priority. AstroGlide, shit and vomit covered EVERYTHING.
I had to rent one of those steam cleaners, buy a new mattress, and I STILL lost my deposit. It was impossible to get the smell out. The next month was like living in a sewer. Every girl I brought back to my place after that refused to stay there, and some even refused to sleep with me anywhere because of how my place smelled.
What I never found out, and I still want to know, is how the girl got home. I never heard from her again, and the mutual friend who introduced us called her but didn’t get her calls returned. I never heard anything about her or from her again, even though she left her clothes and ID at my place (she wore a tight dress out that night, and didn’t bring a purse or any money with her).
Can you picture that scene? What did she do, hop in taxi? Wave down a passing car? Get on the bus? She lived at least 30 miles away, there is no way she walked home. It perplexes me to this day.
I’m hoping she reads this. Maybe then I’ll find out how she got home.
please email me at mrfrankrodriguez@gmail.com if any of my comments (including this one) wins.
serious, serious, serious contender here
i’ve listened to this song 22 times (according to iTunes)
I already have all these books, but I like to feel included in things.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=ejQFkSFDpn8
that is not maybe but yes the dumbest thing i’ve seen in my life
the fat guy’s pose after his ‘forehead slide’
priceless
he’s pretty happy, but probably also thinking existentially, like “what the fuck am I doing? I was good at science once. I could have been an airplane mechanic or a lab tech.”
the fat guy with the beard who comes out the crowd dancing in his underwear is, however, like, “so glad i quit my job at the Oil Can Henry’s for this”. and he was. he was shining
He had been waiting a long time to show people that underwear. He once went on a fourth date wearing that underwear in hopes of revealing it as in a pseudo joke, but the girl ate shelf fish on purpose for an allergic reaction and told him this isn’t working as the paramedics stretched her away
Two of these three fucked each other, one took the other’s V-card, and one got a book deal out of it and the publisher was so anxious to capitalize on the publicity of the two fucking it didn’t even edit the book.
I win.
Send books to:
Charles Manson
B-33920
PO Box 3476
Corcoran, CA 93212
when he realized what ‘shelf fish’ was, admittedly, to this day, he thought, “well, i was definitely too young to find out,” especially that way.
oh wait i thought you said ‘fourth grade date’
i <3 shelf fish
now accepting donations for the 100+ comment super secret prize dot com
what’s wrong with cigarette covered copies of books? brooks, can you send them w cigarette smoke already in?
The hardest decision I made today was in the daiquiri shop. I was on the fence between two flavors: Exxtasy and Lights Out. The girl behind the counter, whose earrings read “TRUST NO BITCH,” seemed lost in thought.
I am just a boy grow old and I want to read new books before I die
I am just a boy growing old and I want to read new books before I die.
I already have Taipei, but I’m interested in the other two. Baumann’s intriguing to me; plus, we once discussed designing something together–not sure how serious he was. Perhaps he was just being nice. He is a real nice guy. And I’m interested in the Calloway because duh. We once got in a political fight on Facebook. Guess what? These things never go well. And are stupid. Suffice it to say, we are no longer FB friends. Whatevs. Still find her an intriguing figure.
i wish i’d said that
heads, tails, heads, tails, heads, tails, heads, tails, heads, tails,…
So very glad I didn’t have a book come out this week.
Is this over yet? Do i still have a chance? Oh well. Maybe I’ll go buy one at random. I’m good at pretending.
Is this over yet? Do i still have a chance? Oh well. Maybe I’ll go buy one at random. I’m good at pretending. I think I’ll buy Taipei at random. No, Solip. Then I’ll email myself a congratulations, and a celebration will follow. So pumped for this.
So pumped.
Don’t judge my comment based on the use of pumped. I don’t say it often. I swear.
the question marks in ken and marie’s titles are silent but the one in tao’s talks and talks.
I had to make an account in order to post my comment. I think that’s fair. But then I started wondering if I should post a photo. I don’t think I will. I believe the imagination to be an extraordinary thing. What do you think I look like? Am I tall, blonde, and curvy? Do I hold a finger to my lip? Am I halfway through saying hello?
Would it help my chances?
WHEN DOES THIS END
ZZZIPP’S HOUSE IS BEING FILLED WITH HYDROGEN
WHY WOULD ANYONE DO THAT
ZZZZIPPP FEELS INCREDIBLY ANXIOUS
AND HUNGRY FOR SOME REASON
ZZZIPP IS TRYING TO REMEMBER THE LAST TIME HE ATE
HE WOULD RATHER FLOAT ON THE BODY OF A SUNBEAM (THAN EAT)
“FLOAT WITHIN A SUNBEAM AS A PHOTON”
“PART OF THE SUNBEAM AS WELL AS OUTSIDE THE SUNBEAM SOMEHOW”
THERE IS A FILM OF AIR ALWAYS AROUND ZZZZIPP EVEN WHEN IMMERSED IN NOXIOUS GASES
OR AS A PHOTON SURROUNDED BY PHOTONS
OR SO HE IMAGINES
FALSE SENSE OF SECURITY
WHICH IS WHY THIS HYDROGEN THING IS SO DANGEROUS
CAN ZZZIPP WIN THE PRIZE
can ferrets win this bullshit??
HEY RAUAN ARE YOU A FERRET OR SUGGESTING SOMEONE HERE IS A FERRET COME ON SOME CONTEXT THANKS
BRADY
BRADY
IT DOESN’T MATTER
Sure doesn’t.
Me: Tao Lin is getting pretty famous these days.
My wife: ew, he’s gross.
‘textbook worm’
How about no comments? What do I win if I skip this thread altogether?
i just think ferrets win more giveaways! and stop shouting! :)
don’t break down my ferrets, man
Gimme a book
A priest, a priest, and an atheist walk into a bar.
They say to the bartender, “I’ll have a beer.”
The bartender says, “Oh, it’s a special night. It’s Wednesd’y. So that’s three
bucks a beer.”
Priest says, “Ok’y.” Priest says, “Ok’y.” And the atheist says, “Ok’y.”
A giraffe walks into the bar and yells, “Dickfest ’93!”
Then he leaves the bar cause he’s gotta go promote his event.
Bartender says, “Ok’y, whatta we have here?” And the fisherman walks up to the
bar and says, “H’y, Bill.”
I’d like to withdraw my comment from the running. Please do not give me a book for free. Especially one that I did not specifically ask for. You grateful shits.
wait, is vanessa place tweeting the entirety of gone with the wind? i’m going to google this in a moment and i don’t really want any of these books or i already have them but i’m definitely curious about what’s going on with vanessa place’s twitter account. again, google in a second, but i have to say something so this is what i’m saying.
Each of these books ranks high on my eager-to-read list and winning (at least) one for free would just be the latest in a stretching string of sick jokes against my long vacant wallet. This comment is a proposition to support my refusal of making any effort to achieve anything ever again. This is an ugly, spoiled child making a scene, instilled with all the honor of a fixed beauty pageant. I refuse to use a thesaurus for your amusement and will even shit in the face of this hardwired, neurotic tendency toward gud speling.
There.
You have my endorsement.
Actually, I think I’ll take it back. I shouldn’t give things away.
Just look at it as your selfless act for the week. Giving me a book could be like some karmic investment, excusing yourself to kill a hooker this weekend.
At my first open-casket funeral I accidentally puked a little inside the coffin.
Do you guys think Tan Lin gets tired of being mistaken for Tao Lin?
did i win any of these shits yet?
Well, I feel like trying to leave the *best* comment here is going to be impossible. So. Worst. Here’s the worst comment ever. Banal and meta. A boring comment about a comment.
For the love of God remove that book-cover picture of the creepy flat-affect child.
(and marie shallowtwats’ too)
i thought maybe RK asked about ferrets because in the photo illustrating RK’s post about TL’s reading at Elliot Bay in Seattle a day or so ago doesn’t it look like TL is holding two ferrets
guess “sesame street memories” keeps it out of the ‘worst’ category
dammit
When
is
this
over?
he cried
staring
into
Brooks.
And I need a book to keep my mind off of it.
I was going to post the full lyrics to avril lavigne’s “sk8er boi” for no reason, but now I think just give it to zzzip.
As someone who has already prejudged Tao Lin as sucking I have a morbid curiosity in seeing my biases reaffirmed (or challenged, I am not so confident in my assumptions) and as someone who is entering the short story contest Ken Baumann is judging I know will want to comfort myself after my inevitable loss by reading his words and feeling the breadth of the distance between our mutual consciousnesses.
Why am I even here
OH MIMI THAT’S PROBABLY RIGHT
ZZZIPP HAS FERRET BLINDNESS
I AM NOT SHOUTING
ZZZZIPP IS TRYING HIS BEST TO BE POLITE
PROBABLY HE’S PICKED UP A LOT OF READERS THAT WAY
WHY DID YOU OPEN HIM
IS THIS CONTEST STILL LEGAL
brian tao lin doesn’t suck but you should decide that for yourself and not pay too much attention to the hype okay
ZZZIPP SHOULD ALSO SAY THAT HE HAS NEVER SEEN A FERRET WIN A GIVEAWAY THOUGH HE HAS SEEN MANY EAGER FERRETS ATTEMPT TO WIN GIVEAWAYS
ONE MORE THING
THERE ARE STRANGE NOISES COMING FROM THE WOODS
AND THERE IS ALSO SOMEONE STANDING AT THE EDGE OF THE WOODS
AND HE IS WAVING HIS ARMS AND SAYING SOMETHING LIKE “HEY COME OVER HERE TO THE EDGE OF THE WOODS WHERE I AM STANDING”
ALTHOUGH HE IS SO FAR AWAY ZZZIPP CAN’T HEAR HIM ONLY KIND OF READ HIS LIPS
WHICH IS DIFFICULT BECAUSE THIS GUY’S BEARD IS SO LONG THAT IT IS TANGLED IN SOME BUSHES
ALSO HIS FACE IS MANY COLOURS AND HE’S WEARING A BIB THAT SAYS “BOY DO I LOVE PHOTONS YUM”
IF ZZZZIPP WINS AND DOESN’T CLAIM HIS PRIZE YOU CAN SAFELY ASSUME HE WAS DEVOURED AN EVIL SPIRIT
I agree completely
Looking at my original content I realize that one of my sentences is missing an “I”
DID SHE GET HOME YOU MEAN
zzippy this is the most talkative i’ve ever seen you
is it because we are so close to the summer solstice??
like photonalia or something?
I need to stop coming here when I’m upset.
Fell asleep for a bit, just woke up, saw this post, now I’m posting. Better win or else. Also got a little freaked out by Calloway’s cover photo because I’m still a but groggy. It’s like she’s judging my underwear.
Hey, do I get extra points for being too broke to afford these books in the first place?
Come on! Help a brotha out.
How long does this shit last?
comments will probably close this weekend, so plan accordingly or what have you. winners announced shortly thereafter!
Holy crap! till the weekend?
Better pace myself.
A hundred more comments to go
a tiny asteroid of hollywood glam;the dumb stare of exhibitionism;Eastern glitz….haters
I’m desperate and I’ll do anything to a written page on camera…if you give me Solip.
ferrets will be ferrets
poetic justice ex poeta iusta.
quod quaesivi quod volui quidem
quod quidam mihi vero necesse,
ego habeo quasi item ego
nec habeam inopsis protinus.
i have what i desired, yet what i
have is not that for which i had bargained.
prayers have been answered with a meh and keep on.
Best or worst, I’ll take it.
Quasi elides into item for those of you wondering about the scansion.
feeling really upbeat about my chance of “winning” this
I quit.
I’ve never read a book before. Would any of these be a good place to start getting into reading?
Hello
I’ve been reading stuff on this website for a few months now, and I was wondering when it would be a good time to start commenting on it, so hello! I’m Adam!
I even made this disqus account and everything.
At this rate, I’ll have read all three by the time they announce the winners.
IT’S ALMOST BEEN TWO DAYS ALREADY
YES MIMI THAT IS WHY. HERE IS A MORE THOROUGH EXPLANATION: LAST NIGHT AT THE “HEIGHT” OF PHOTONALIA ZZZIPP WAS CHILLING WITH HIS HOMIES. HE MADE A LEFT, MADE A RIGHT, MADE A LEFT, MADE A RIGHT, AND WHEN HE CAME TO HE HAD POSTED 59 COMMENTS AND 12 BLOG ARTICLES/BLOGICLES.
i hope that’s enough to discern which orifices I mixed up in my quote.
I only wrote this comment in jest. Please don’t consider my post for the contest. I’d rather receive Anthrax through the mail than a Marie Calloway or Tao Lin “book.” If I were lucky enough to win, I’d say, “please send this pile of rubbish to someone with terrible taste, or someone who is so under-read she confuses gussied-up diaries for imaginative fiction.” Funny how often writers with the “edgiest” personas are the dullest on-the-page, when it counts. You know why? Because the Marie Calloways and Tao Lins of the world have absolutely nothing to say.
HIDY ZZZZZIPPP
DID A FERRET HARRY YOUR CAPS LOCK WHILE YOU WERE COMMUNICATING THAT COMMENT
OR A PHOTEVOLENT HYDROGEN ATOM
I THINK YOU CAN PAY ATTENTION TO HYPE WITHOUT BEING SWAYED BY IT LIKE KELP
I THINK PEOPLE WHO HAVE PASSIONATE OPINIONS ABOUT TAO LIN HAVE MANY VALUABLE CONTRIBUTIONS TO MAKE
I HOPE YOU WIN A COOL BOOK
You ever just sit around and watch your own dad eat a towel
or a shovel
watch your dad eat a shovel some time
just ask him: hey, dad, I know you’re super busy with your fantasy NASCAR team but can you come outside and let me film you eating a shovel
he probably will bristle at first
you and your dad haven’t ever connected like this
he’ll say ‘yeah give me a minute, okay?’ so you go outside and wait and you’ve got your flip cam in one hand, choco taco in the other hand and you’re just like, thinking: ‘is this going to happen? is my dad going to eat a shovel for me?’
he comes outside, your dad, he has a zorro mask on and a Bud Light promotional hat. he’s holding a spade and you’re like, ‘fuck. I don’t think he’s gonna go full shovel.’
but then he throws the shovel straight across the street and just starts screaming, and you start screaming too because fuck it
and he starts pulling this huge, foldable shovel out of his pants. it just keeps going. he unfolds it on the lawn. it is about six time the size of you.
your dad is now drowning the shovel in sour cream.
your dad is eating a shovel piece by piece. you start texting all your friends and they drop everything they’re doing. your friend Uncle Mickey loses his job because of this; he didn’t have any personal days left at his job as a spoonmaker.
but Uncle Mickey doesn’t care and neither do you and neither do they sixteen people behind you all simultaneously filming your dad eating a shovel. he’s halfway up the handle at this point. look at him go. what’s crazy is he is eating it but he is also playing a full drum kit in 7/4 time.
he downs the blade. everyone cheers. you and he embrace each other. he whispers in your ear ‘i’m pissing in my pants right now.’ you say, ‘it’s probably the shovel, pop.’ you both laugh. the whole crowd laughs. then you all wave bye
Pretty sure I already won, to all the rest of you can pretty much just give the fuck up now. K?
HEY DEADGOD
ZZZZIPP AGREES AND FEELS HE WAS TOO “FLIPPANT” REGARDING “BRIAN”, “TAO LIN”, AND “HYPE”. MAYBE ZZZIPP’S ADVICE REGARDING TAO LIN MADE MORE SENSE WHEN HE WAS REGULARLY PERFORMING “ANNOYING STUNTS” (OR STUNTS THAT SEEMED KIND OF ANNOYING) SUCH AS WINNING BSG’S CONTEST OR SELLING HIS MYSPACE ACCOUNT ON EBAY OR GAWKER OR WHATEVER
ANYWAY ZZZZIPP ISN’T EVEN IN THIS FOR THE BOOKS DEADGOD ESPECIALLY SINCE HE LAID OUT SOME LORRIE MOORE BOOKS AND SOME QUICKLIME AND MANAGED TO CATCH A FLEET-FOOTED “TAIPEI” ON HIS LINE RECENTLY AND THE OTHER TWO PROBABLY REASONABLY COMBINE FOR “SUPER SAVER SHIPPING” OR COULD BE SIMILARLY DETAINED (MAYBE USING “YOU ARE A LITTLE BIT HAPPIER THAN I AM” FOR CALLOWAY’S BOOK AND AN EARTHBOUND SNES CARTRIDGE FOR BAUMANN’S)
PROOF FORTHCOMING
MATTHEW YOU SERIOUSLY MADE ZZZIPP CRY WITH YOUR FLIPPANCY
HEY ADAM THIS IS LIKE A BATTLE ROYALE OR WHATEVER SO DUCK THAT CHAIR YEAH YOU WANT TO TEAM A REFEREE OR SOMETHING
Sorry, ZZZZZIPPP. That wasn’t very nice of me. I apologize.
OKAY! Does htmlgiant like provide the chairs and stuff?
Booooooooooo…ks.
tinyurl.com/l3cselt
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