October 13th, 2009 / 3:11 pm
Web Hype

Sommelier Says: Jereme Dean

SommelierThere’s so much good whine out there that HTMLGIANT has instituted “Sommelier Says,” in which an indignant comment — either here or in our lit-blog vicinity — is studied for its complexities and rich character by this humble Sommelier. Today, we bring you Jereme Dean’s recent comment to P.H. Madore:

stop looking for kudos and emotional hand jobs and go your own way

Sommelier Says: Jereme Dean’s full-bodied redolence is rather pervasive. Just ask anyone who shares the bus with him on his “three hour commute.” A fan of Bukowski and Asian philosophy, his comments consist of grim verity, with hints of aging self-effaced misogyny and underlying currents of abnegation. His spicy black currant tongue, when not intra-labia, peppers this website with astounding truth. Never the diplomat, always the provocateur, his finish is very dry, with deep tannins which evoke the thickest of skins. This whine pairs perfectly with pudding.

106 Comments

  1. Nathan Tyree

      BEST. FEATURE. EVER.

  2. Nathan Tyree

      BEST. FEATURE. EVER.

  3. Nathan Tyree

      Seriously, this is better than “explain yourself”

  4. Nathan Tyree

      Seriously, this is better than “explain yourself”

  5. joseph

      YES.

      who doesn’t like a hand job, emotional or otherwise?

  6. joseph

      YES.

      who doesn’t like a hand job, emotional or otherwise?

  7. jereme

      hahaha this is awesome.

  8. jereme

      hahaha this is awesome.

  9. drew kalbach

      intra-labia is definitely better than extra labia.

  10. drew kalbach

      intra-labia is definitely better than extra labia.

  11. Adam R

      Dammit!

  12. Adam R

      Dammit!

  13. Nathan Tyree

      sorry

  14. Nathan Tyree

      sorry

  15. Gian

      So very, very solid, Mr. Chen. I tip my hat a hundred times.

  16. Gian

      So very, very solid, Mr. Chen. I tip my hat a hundred times.

  17. Roxane

      I love this feature. So much.

  18. Roxane

      I love this feature. So much.

  19. Catherine Lacey

      Jimmmy!!

  20. Catherine Lacey

      Jimmmy!!

  21. Rebekah

      I think I’ve been waiting for this feature my whole life.

  22. Rebekah

      I think I’ve been waiting for this feature my whole life.

  23. Blake Butler

      to be honest i thought jereme kind of nailed it.

  24. Blake Butler

      to be honest i thought jereme kind of nailed it.

  25. Matthew Simmons

      why are you drinking wine from a juice glass?

  26. Matthew Simmons

      why are you drinking wine from a juice glass?

  27. KevinS

      Mmmmm. So good. Your taste buds are so refined, Jimmy.

  28. KevinS

      Mmmmm. So good. Your taste buds are so refined, Jimmy.

  29. ryan

      Sommelier Says all the things that make Jereme rock.

  30. ryan

      Sommelier Says all the things that make Jereme rock.

  31. jereme

      that’s because i did nail it.

      if haters be hating, i’m doing something right.

  32. jereme

      that’s because i did nail it.

      if haters be hating, i’m doing something right.

  33. Catherine Lacey

      Or juice from a wine glass? Jimmy was never the same after he got back from AA.

  34. Catherine Lacey

      Or juice from a wine glass? Jimmy was never the same after he got back from AA.

  35. brandon

      ‘when not intra-labia’

      nice

  36. brandon

      ‘when not intra-labia’

      nice

  37. Aaron

      jereme dean, the labia-pudding machine. i like jereme’s poem-format deliveries here too, simple sentences, clean and spaced out. i dig it, and this feature is hilarious jimmy, wine a juice glass for not.

  38. Aaron

      jereme dean, the labia-pudding machine. i like jereme’s poem-format deliveries here too, simple sentences, clean and spaced out. i dig it, and this feature is hilarious jimmy, wine a juice glass for not.

  39. james yeh

      amazing

  40. james yeh

      amazing

  41. ce.

      i want this feature to by my grandfather.

  42. ce.

      i want this feature to by my grandfather.

  43. gena

      i think a lot of people misinterpret jereme’s actions. but i guess it’s because they’ve never actually had a conversation with him…which makes me wonder how people are whole-heartedly “agreeing” with jimmy’s view—which is part of jereme’s personality, don’t get me wrong; however, it certainly isn’t his entire personality and i don’t think certain people understand that.

      oh well.

  44. gena

      i think a lot of people misinterpret jereme’s actions. but i guess it’s because they’ve never actually had a conversation with him…which makes me wonder how people are whole-heartedly “agreeing” with jimmy’s view—which is part of jereme’s personality, don’t get me wrong; however, it certainly isn’t his entire personality and i don’t think certain people understand that.

      oh well.

  45. barry

      ahhhhhhhhh…this reminds me of the htmlgiant of yesteryear. well done jimmy.

  46. barry

      ahhhhhhhhh…this reminds me of the htmlgiant of yesteryear. well done jimmy.

  47. mimi

      I feel compelled to comment whenever anything makes me laugh out loud. This made me laugh out loud. I like to laugh out loud, especially when I’m not expecting to laugh out loud.

  48. mimi

      I feel compelled to comment whenever anything makes me laugh out loud. This made me laugh out loud. I like to laugh out loud, especially when I’m not expecting to laugh out loud.

  49. Ken Baumann

      I dig this feature.

  50. Ken Baumann

      I dig this feature.

  51. matthewsavoca

      adam, i got your back

  52. matthewsavoca

      adam, i got your back

  53. david e

      i laughed out loud too

      I could almost hear Miles from Sideways reading this to his gum-chewing actor friend at their first tasting.

  54. david e

      i laughed out loud too

      I could almost hear Miles from Sideways reading this to his gum-chewing actor friend at their first tasting.

  55. gena

      you mean when it had more than one or two good contributors?

      yeah. i agree, barry.

  56. gena

      you mean when it had more than one or two good contributors?

      yeah. i agree, barry.

  57. Jimmy Chen

      dang gena, don’t make me sommelier says you

  58. Jimmy Chen

      dang gena, don’t make me sommelier says you

  59. gena

      does it make what i said better if i told you that you were one of the good contributors here?

      i’m just saying. without some people, htmlgiant is less fun. was it ever meant to be a serious thing? i don’t think so.

  60. gena

      does it make what i said better if i told you that you were one of the good contributors here?

      i’m just saying. without some people, htmlgiant is less fun. was it ever meant to be a serious thing? i don’t think so.

  61. jereme

      uh oh, gena, don’t say anything contrary or jimmy will get you!

      then after jimmy “gets you” all the passive aggressive spineless cowards will clamor and rush to leave a comment saying ‘good job’ or ‘awesome’ because they are too pussy to say how they feel directly to you

      and of course they’ll continue to talk shit behind your back, well, because that’s what passive aggressive bitches do.

      lol

  62. jereme

      uh oh, gena, don’t say anything contrary or jimmy will get you!

      then after jimmy “gets you” all the passive aggressive spineless cowards will clamor and rush to leave a comment saying ‘good job’ or ‘awesome’ because they are too pussy to say how they feel directly to you

      and of course they’ll continue to talk shit behind your back, well, because that’s what passive aggressive bitches do.

      lol

  63. Ken Baumann

      jereme, gena & jimmy:

      i <3 u

  64. Ken Baumann

      jereme, gena & jimmy:

      i <3 u

  65. gena

      i’d heart everyone if they weren’t such meanies. :(

  66. gena

      i’d heart everyone if they weren’t such meanies. :(

  67. Jimmy Chen

      it was sangria, not the perfect pic but it was all i had

  68. Jimmy Chen

      it was sangria, not the perfect pic but it was all i had

  69. Jimmy Chen

      dang jereme, i could sommelier says you all the time, but we need diversity. good job.

  70. Jimmy Chen

      dang jereme, i could sommelier says you all the time, but we need diversity. good job.

  71. gena

      i guess sommelier says is reserved for people who aren’t passive aggressive bitches. that sucks.

  72. gena

      i guess sommelier says is reserved for people who aren’t passive aggressive bitches. that sucks.

  73. jereme

      jimmy you have my permission to sommelier says me every time. it’s a funny bit.

      man some one should totally do a “passive aggressive what do you actually mean?” bit too.

      that way all the fake people can be called out on the carpet and they can explain their back handed cowardly comments.

      ken, i heart you too.

  74. jereme

      jimmy you have my permission to sommelier says me every time. it’s a funny bit.

      man some one should totally do a “passive aggressive what do you actually mean?” bit too.

      that way all the fake people can be called out on the carpet and they can explain their back handed cowardly comments.

      ken, i heart you too.

  75. gena

      and you can sommelier says me as well. although i’m not sure what i’m doing besides defending someone i care about? i guess that’s “like soooooo out” these days.

  76. gena

      and you can sommelier says me as well. although i’m not sure what i’m doing besides defending someone i care about? i guess that’s “like soooooo out” these days.

  77. Nathan (Nate) Tyree

      “explain yourself” is second best.

  78. Nathan (Nate) Tyree

      “explain yourself” is second best.

  79. Nathan (Nate) Tyree

      It seems like some people read this as an attack on Jereme. I didn’t. I thought it was playful and in good humor. It doesn’t seem like Jereme was upset by it. I wish Jimmy would make fun of me like this, but then I never say anything interesting enough. . . I suck. Or maybe Jimmy sucks for not realizing that I don’t suck and that I deserve his wrath.

  80. Nathan (Nate) Tyree

      It seems like some people read this as an attack on Jereme. I didn’t. I thought it was playful and in good humor. It doesn’t seem like Jereme was upset by it. I wish Jimmy would make fun of me like this, but then I never say anything interesting enough. . . I suck. Or maybe Jimmy sucks for not realizing that I don’t suck and that I deserve his wrath.

  81. gena

      i am fully aware that it wasn’t an attack on jereme. what jimmy wrote didn’t bother me, really. it’s what a lot of the commenters said that kind of upset me. like, “i’ve been waiting for this my entire life!” uh, have you really? statements like that just don’t make any sense to me. i rarely see these people try to actually get to know jereme. it seems as though they’re stuck on his abrasive exterior simply because they don’t care to see more of him, and it’s just easier to say negative things about him. and don’t say people haven’t said negative things—i know who has, even if i don’t acknowledge it.

      i just don’t understand how people can criticize someone when they know absolutely nothing about their life. that’s all. i got sick of it happening on several occasions, so i went off. and as soon as i did, i get ripped apart by people with dissenting opinions.

      at least you were mature enough to comment with your perspective, instead of threatening me. thank you for that.

  82. gena

      i am fully aware that it wasn’t an attack on jereme. what jimmy wrote didn’t bother me, really. it’s what a lot of the commenters said that kind of upset me. like, “i’ve been waiting for this my entire life!” uh, have you really? statements like that just don’t make any sense to me. i rarely see these people try to actually get to know jereme. it seems as though they’re stuck on his abrasive exterior simply because they don’t care to see more of him, and it’s just easier to say negative things about him. and don’t say people haven’t said negative things—i know who has, even if i don’t acknowledge it.

      i just don’t understand how people can criticize someone when they know absolutely nothing about their life. that’s all. i got sick of it happening on several occasions, so i went off. and as soon as i did, i get ripped apart by people with dissenting opinions.

      at least you were mature enough to comment with your perspective, instead of threatening me. thank you for that.

  83. Nathan (Nate) Tyree

      Personally, I like Jereme. He and P.H. bump heads a lot. I also like P.H. Maybe I’m a weird exception. I saw this as a fun poke in the side. Honestly, I’d be proud to get jabbed at like this.

      That people threatened you is sick and unacceptable. We’re supposed to be adults and artists.

      Anyway, cheers

  84. Nathan (Nate) Tyree

      Personally, I like Jereme. He and P.H. bump heads a lot. I also like P.H. Maybe I’m a weird exception. I saw this as a fun poke in the side. Honestly, I’d be proud to get jabbed at like this.

      That people threatened you is sick and unacceptable. We’re supposed to be adults and artists.

      Anyway, cheers

  85. gena

      i like jereme too! yay!

      it just makes me sad that a lot of people dislike him when they know nothing about him. and it is sad that the people who dislike him say so to other people behind his back.

      like i said above—i’d heart everyone if they weren’t such fucking meanies. and that’s from the heart, yo.

  86. gena

      i like jereme too! yay!

      it just makes me sad that a lot of people dislike him when they know nothing about him. and it is sad that the people who dislike him say so to other people behind his back.

      like i said above—i’d heart everyone if they weren’t such fucking meanies. and that’s from the heart, yo.

  87. barry

      i wasnt necessarily insinuating that the content or the contributors werent any good. i simply meant that once upon a time it seemed that htmlgiant meant something different than it does now. like everyone sat down and had a fucking meeting and decided that they had to make changes in order to “be taken more seriously: or “appear more legit.” it just seems like the motivations for running the site now have transformed from its original intention. or am i just fucking crazy?

      also, gena, regarding this comment “it just makes me sad that a lot of people dislike him when they know nothing about him.”

      i want to say that i enjoy jereme’s commentary and comments on here very much and i think htmlgiant lost something valuable when he stopped contributing. whoever made that decision was a fuckwad.

      but i gotta say, jereme doesnt offer much else for folks on this sie to base their opinion of him on. i mean, how well do people really know people they encounter on the internet? not well at all. so all we know and make judgements on are what we’re presented with. so, for me personally, i love what jereme brings to the table, what i know of him i like, when i met him i felt good about him as a human being, but for people who get a different vibe, you have to admit they they are basing their judgement on a very limited version of himself that he presents to the public. and people have no choice but to respond in a love/hate sort of way.

  88. barry

      i wasnt necessarily insinuating that the content or the contributors werent any good. i simply meant that once upon a time it seemed that htmlgiant meant something different than it does now. like everyone sat down and had a fucking meeting and decided that they had to make changes in order to “be taken more seriously: or “appear more legit.” it just seems like the motivations for running the site now have transformed from its original intention. or am i just fucking crazy?

      also, gena, regarding this comment “it just makes me sad that a lot of people dislike him when they know nothing about him.”

      i want to say that i enjoy jereme’s commentary and comments on here very much and i think htmlgiant lost something valuable when he stopped contributing. whoever made that decision was a fuckwad.

      but i gotta say, jereme doesnt offer much else for folks on this sie to base their opinion of him on. i mean, how well do people really know people they encounter on the internet? not well at all. so all we know and make judgements on are what we’re presented with. so, for me personally, i love what jereme brings to the table, what i know of him i like, when i met him i felt good about him as a human being, but for people who get a different vibe, you have to admit they they are basing their judgement on a very limited version of himself that he presents to the public. and people have no choice but to respond in a love/hate sort of way.

  89. gena

      i am happy to know you, barry. i agree with what you said. i guess i take people’s views of jereme very personally as opposed to other people. but i guess that’s to be expected, right?

      and what you said about htmlgiant is exactly how i feel. i don’t come here for the posts most of the time, just the comments. i wonder how many other people do the same?

  90. gena

      i am happy to know you, barry. i agree with what you said. i guess i take people’s views of jereme very personally as opposed to other people. but i guess that’s to be expected, right?

      and what you said about htmlgiant is exactly how i feel. i don’t come here for the posts most of the time, just the comments. i wonder how many other people do the same?

  91. elizabeth ellen

      i miss you, barry. come to buffalo!

  92. elizabeth ellen

      i miss you, barry. come to buffalo!

  93. barry

      gena: i’m happy to know you too.

      elizabeth: i wish i could.

  94. barry

      gena: i’m happy to know you too.

      elizabeth: i wish i could.

  95. PHM

      Helluva a birthday present, I suppose.

  96. PHM

      Helluva a birthday present, I suppose.

  97. david e

      does this remind anyone else of the “please come to boston” song or am i alone in left field listening to shitty music?

      rambling boy won’t you settle down, new brunswick ain’t your kinda town….

  98. david e

      does this remind anyone else of the “please come to boston” song or am i alone in left field listening to shitty music?

      rambling boy won’t you settle down, new brunswick ain’t your kinda town….

  99. Richard

      well, there’s always DENVER AWP to get to know people – i must admit that meeting people LIVE and IN PERSON has been an interesting experience over the last couple of years – mostly at the AWPs in NYC and Chicago – but sure gena, people online can be much different than people in real life – some people are EXACTLY the same, but it’s always easier to toss off a comment or berate somebody online – much easier to be a dick

      i thought this column was hilarious and in good taste and never thought anybody was being harsh

      at another place i hang, The Cult (http://www.chuckpalahniuk.net) there are a handful brutal personalities, but that’s kind of what makes it fun, yes? and it’s always funnier when that light is cast on somebody ELSE

      if we all agreed all the time, or everybody walked around going

      “oh pardon me”
      “no, you first”
      “thanks, that was a great story”
      “i love your work”
      “i love yours”
      “no i love yours more”

      it’d be a pretty boring place – sometimes the fringe element, those with a different perspective, on or off their meds, drunk or sober, pissy or just plain mean, can stir up the most interesting comments

      and say the funniest things

      my .02

  100. Richard

      well, there’s always DENVER AWP to get to know people – i must admit that meeting people LIVE and IN PERSON has been an interesting experience over the last couple of years – mostly at the AWPs in NYC and Chicago – but sure gena, people online can be much different than people in real life – some people are EXACTLY the same, but it’s always easier to toss off a comment or berate somebody online – much easier to be a dick

      i thought this column was hilarious and in good taste and never thought anybody was being harsh

      at another place i hang, The Cult (http://www.chuckpalahniuk.net) there are a handful brutal personalities, but that’s kind of what makes it fun, yes? and it’s always funnier when that light is cast on somebody ELSE

      if we all agreed all the time, or everybody walked around going

      “oh pardon me”
      “no, you first”
      “thanks, that was a great story”
      “i love your work”
      “i love yours”
      “no i love yours more”

      it’d be a pretty boring place – sometimes the fringe element, those with a different perspective, on or off their meds, drunk or sober, pissy or just plain mean, can stir up the most interesting comments

      and say the funniest things

      my .02

  101. mimi

      I aspire to someday being “‘sommolier says’ed” for leaving a comment SO FUNNY that Jimmy Chen sprays sangria out’ his nose.

  102. mimi

      I aspire to someday being “‘sommolier says’ed” for leaving a comment SO FUNNY that Jimmy Chen sprays sangria out’ his nose.

  103. Jonny Ross

      fleetwood mac

  104. Jonny Ross

      fleetwood mac

  105. Mather Schneider

      One problem for me is that the original statement by Dean isn’t a “whine” at all. Besides, the essential condescending attitude makes this post mildly amusing at best. Anyone who laughed out loud must live a truly humorless life, or is exaggerating to make Chen feel better. Way to slick to be funny.

  106. Mather Schneider

      One problem for me is that the original statement by Dean isn’t a “whine” at all. Besides, the essential condescending attitude makes this post mildly amusing at best. Anyone who laughed out loud must live a truly humorless life, or is exaggerating to make Chen feel better. Way to slick to be funny.