I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
texts from last night is a website that posts annonymous text messages from drunk party people who send each other funny texts and then submit them to this website.
It’s funny. I get the feeling most of the entries are written by brodudes and skank ass hoes. But like, sometimes they’re sort of smart or existential bro dudes and skank ass hoes. READ MORE >
Poetry.com. You know you were a semi-finalist.
Did you know that poetry.com‘s database is SEARCHABLE? Well guess what, Internet? IT IS. Welcome to terrordome.
When I was 16 I sent a poem to them through bolt.com (anyone remember bolt.com? Social networking v.08 BETA…I was a bolt.com all-star, FYI…much less success on makeoutclub.com; did not like Coalesce…sad, so sad.) and it was from the point of view of a fortune cookie! But you didn’t KNOW it was a fortune cookie! Whaaaaaaat? I know, right? I was one mysterious poet!
Anyway, I totally was a SEMI-FINALIST and they were going to publish me in their MONTHLY ANTHOLOGY for like $45.00 and I was so psyched! Fortunately my parents did not believe in eCommerce at the time (shout-out to Patricia and Ed) and so I never got to see my poem in its Times New Roman 12-point double-spaced center-justified glory! This is why I write nonfiction today, no matter what Albert Goldbarth sez.
So, yeah, their database is searchable; plug your name in, hold your breath, and hope that you submitted too early for internet-foreverdom. Also, they have ‘POETRY REFERENCE’…’Need Help Rhyming?’ WHY YES I DO! Thanks for asking poetry.com! What rhymes with BLOODY?
“Glad enough to play a very cliched and overplayed song that you would hate to hear if I wasn’t singing along to it”
- Radio that matters
The classical education I never had: Hippolytos
Hippolytos, the insufferable son of Theseus, was a celebutard of antiquity. In Euripides’ play, the dandy loves only two things: himself and the goddess Artemis. He’s even got an entourage to follow him around and tell him how great and pure he is. Yes, pure. He is untouched by woman, devoting himself exclusively to his chosen deity. The problem is, his chastity and vomit-inducing self-regard has pissed off Aphrodite, who takes his piss-poor attitude as an affront. Theseus is out of town, and Aphro believes the time of her revenge is at hand. Did I mention that Hippolytos’ stepmother is in forbidden love with her stepson? READ MORE >
Wow: The Espresso Book Machine
Literature Terminator.
From the press release:
Blackwell, the UK’s leading academic bookseller, has unveiled the launch of the 2.0 Espresso Book Machine (EBM) at its flagship store, 100 Charing Cross London. It is the first bookshop installation of its kind within the UK, allowing any book to be selected from an inexhaustible network of titles and prints on demand in just 3 minutes from a digital file onsite, online at www.blackwell.co.uk, or uploaded in person from CDs or flash drives.
This bad boy whips up a book in three minutes. Go on to read more about the implications of such a device.
My take: This is definitely a much more ecologically sustainable process than the standard model of book production, which is exciting. It also completely removes the barrier of entry to producing a book, which, I’d argue, is a very ‘good’ thing; the more art the better. It’s happening all around us; the availability of cheap means of production means that anyone with a computer and a camera can make a movie, anyone with a computer near this behemoth or Lulu.com can make a book, anyone with a computer and Garageband/Audible can make music, etc. Distribution will be the sticking point in media for awhile, and it’s going to get messy. I look forward to help making the mess.
What do you think?
EDIT: Also, a thin treatise on paperback vs. hardback after the jump…
Wordhustler is your pimp
“Submit to Over 4,000 Literary Markets Without Leaving Your Desk” is WordHustler‘s tag-line. Basically, from what I can gather without actually signing up for an account (scary!), this is the match.com of the literary world: you make yourself seem as unrealistically attractive as possible for daunting goals, give them your credit card number, and wait in desperation.
Hey I’m just a joker with a day-job, check out what the writer of freakin’ The Bourne Identity says:
“The only thing I don’t like about WordHustler is that it wasn’t around when I was getting started. I can only lament the countless hours I spent grappling with commerce when I could’ve been focusing on art.”
— William Blake Herron, Screenwriter of The Bourne Identity
Haha! You started saying one thing, but then switched it! That’s like when Jason Bourne says he’s going to Berlin but goes to Hamburg!
They also have this nifty diagram of a SASE citing attributes such as the stamps. Who is stupid? Us or them? Somebody is stupid and I demand to know who it is.
Somali pirates can’t hold the jock of space pirates
Back in ’93, a younger, debatably handsomer Drew Toal used to, before school, watch a pair of largely forgotten cartoons—Conan the Adventurer, as well as the poorly animated, yet colon-cleansingly awesome space drama, Exosquad. The latter, in particular, was—in the parlance of our times, “the tits.” It’s set in the future, as all worthwhile stories are, and chronicles the goings on of a group of soldiers in the Exofleet, as they battle the evil space pirates of Jonas Simbacca, and later join forces with him to fight a greater foe, the Neosapian menace (Perhaps one day we will have to strike an uneasy alliance with the Somali buccaneers against a resurgent Mongolian military? Time will tell). Now, the animation looks like it was done by a not-particularly-gifted two year old (creater Will Meugniot also made this terrible DragonLance cartoon adaptation awhile back), and the show was canceled before the story could be totally resolved, but man, what a story. So, yeah, I’ve been waiting patiently for about a decade for this business to come to DVD, and on April 14, my long wait appears to be at an end. Stop laughing at me.
WHAT IS A SCENE?
people use the word scene for many things. like, music scene, there’s probably a rollerblading scene, and maybe a cooking scene. what is a scene and how does it apply to internet literature? and is blake butler racist?
More fun with Mathias Svalina’s iPod
It’s really obscene that I still have this thing in my possession. Well, supposedly I’m going to see him tomorrow at a reading at Pete’s Candy Store, so I figured I should make the most of what time remains. Today instead of focusing on a letter, I’m going Onion-stlye and SHUFFLE IT. The little machine tells me it’s got 11387 tracks on it, so this should be pretty good. Seatbelts on?
Guide to becoming a better writer
Here are some tips on becoming a better writer, which begins with your posture. Feng Shui means ‘wind water’ in Chinese, which is better than ‘passing gas diarrhea.’ My point is, us Chinese are profound peoples. Fortunately, htmlgiant has an in-house Chinese representative, yours truly. My goal is to help you survive the literary world. Please pay attention:
1. Chip on Shoulder
You will need a chip on your shoulder. When somebody asks you ‘what you do’ at a party, you will need to think ‘fucking moron,’ and reply, [sigh] “I’m a writer highly published online. I’ve been nominated for a the Million Writers Awards and was interviewed twice. My chapbook sold out in two weeks.” As you sulk by the spinach dip, you will reaffirm the stereotype of self-involved writers.
2. Monitor Angle
Your monitor should tilt towards the heavens as you blind angels with your genius.