“You have no idea how repulsive it is to borrow a pencil only to discover it is a mimi kakki”
Sometimes I turn on one of the local Western Massachusetts channels and there is a commercial to promote the news. You see an anchor, then the anchor’s name, then the anchor talking in earnest about their roots in the area. “I’m Slop Slowdorf,” they might say. “I renewed my wedding vows at the Dr. Seuss Memorial. The Slowdorfs have lived in Springfield for six generations. How lucky am I to live and work in the same town where I grew up?” And watching this commercial I grow terrified and throw soup at the television. READ MORE >
I am currently finishing up what will be the final issue of Lamination Colony, at least in its current incarnation. Big machine, this last piece. In the spirit, I am opening submissions to anyone for the rest of today, until midnight east coast time. I will probably only take a couple pieces, as it’s already large and scary, but send me something totally ridiculous and terrifying, please. Responses will be sent if I have room, otherwise likely just thank you in advance. Send to: laminationcolony [at] gmail [dot] com.
Do You Mean What You Say?
Are the enemies of God welcome here at the Bay Shore Mennonite church? Verse 11 of Matthew 5 reads, “Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me.” But, seriously, what if the enemies of God (whatever that means) walked into church one Sunday morning screaming obscenities or staging a hunger strike in front of the podium? I seriously doubt the Mennonites would be down. Not to mention, this sign is probably not saying what it means (or meaning what it says for that matter). Does it mean, “Praise and worship the enemies of God” or “The enemies of God are welcome here” or “Praise and worship. The enemies of God, with reference to the Beatitudes. Welcome” ?
Look at this (bathroom poetics No. 3):
I believe that someone in the bathroom stall at Smokin’ Joes was tired after a few beers, a few missed opportunities, too much inhaled smoke. I believe it because it’s a likely scenario. But welcoming the enemies of God into your place of worship is not as likely on a number of levels, the most obvious being that “enemies of God” is the dumbest phrase in the world. Not that I am a realist, by a long shot. I like unlikely scenarios when the writer gives me the freedom (leeway, wiggle room) to not believe them literally.
Scramble Up The Steep Side of a Cliff with Mark Doten’s Mountain Goats Day @ Dennis Cooper’s The Weaklings
Greetings from Hong Kong! It is early in the morning here and a five-year-old is trying to get me to help her watch some kind of Barbie-as-the-little-mermaid DVD, but instead I am doing this. Mark Doten, good friend of HTMLGiant’s (and of mine), has put together a Day dedicated to The Mountain Goats for The Weaklings. It is filled with riches, not the least of which is a new interview with John Darnielle. Here’s a choice gleaning:
MD: People often speak of certain common technical mistakes in the work of young fiction writers — POV that doesn’t gel, overuse of adverbs in dialog tags, that sort of thing. Are there specific technical problems you see repeatedly in the work of beginning songwriters?
JD: Yeah there’s one, a pet one, which I’ll get to shortly, but the main thing is less technical than – well, for lack of a better term, “moral.” Not moral problems in the sense so much of “what you are doing is morally indefensible,” but more of a “the terms of the moral universe in which you are setting your song are lame, and since you’re the one setting those terms, this is a problem you should fix.” What the hell am I even talking about — this: young men (this problem really doesn’t seem to exist for young women who write songs) often like to present a narrator whose self-destructive “urges” (they usually aren’t real “urges” so much as cosmetic choices about how to present himself) are clearly placing him on a collision course with doom. The narrator of these songs often seems to hope that the important people in his life will be both very impressed by the special nature of his pain, and that some people who have spurned him will be so horrified by the things his pain has made him do that they will either a) give him what he wants from them or b) speak with awe about him.
Really can’t stand that kinda stuff. There is one thing special about your pain: it’s yours. That ought to be enough, in my opinion; you can describe it from there, and take control of it, detail it lovingly, etc. But when a narrator seems to think that he is somehow beatified by his own particular collection of neuroses, well, this bugs me. I was as guilty of this early on as anybody, and one of my most popular songs is pretty much One Of These Types, and it’s not that all songs like this are bad. In fact many of them are quite good. But it’s a tendency that should be outgrown quickly. Often there are two main characters in a song like this, and almost always, the song would be a much better one of the two weren’t acting like a child.
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You should definitely go over there and check out Mark’s Goats Day. Also, you might want to refresh yourself on this Goats essay by Alec Niedenthal, published here last November.
Soda Series #2 is tomorrow in Brooklyn @ 7PM: Matt Bell, John Madera, Jeff Parker and Amber Sparks. Gawk the details at http://sodaseries.com/.
John Holmes on Writing
“A happy gardener is one with dirty fingernails, and a happy cook is a fat cook. I never get tired of what I do because I’m a sex fiend. I’m very lusty.”
“Sometimes you get a girl to work with who is gorgeous and with a fantastic body. That makes it all much easier. But I can concentrate on just one aspect of a girl if she doesn’t sexually appeal to me. I can concentrate on the color of her nipple or something like that and it gives me the necessary mental focus.”
“Friends will get you killed.”
‘I’ve never found a girl who could not take it. It’s really in the way you do it, though. I’ve had some women say they’ve had guys half my size who couldn’t get it in. The problem is that most guys don’t know how to read a lady and what she really wants. With some, you have to be gentle and romantic and with others you just have to get down and dirty. The secret is you have to get in touch with what they want.”
“I don`t always hide in the bathroom, sometimes I hide other places. It`s just that the bathroom is usually the only room with a lock on the door.”
“I don’t take drugs. Drugs take me.”
Dream a little dream of a little dream
A few days ago, I wrote a scene where my protagonist dreams she’s in a huge cake maze, like a maze made out of gigantic cakes. This was her dream birthday party, but there was no way for anyone to eat the cake, so she ran to the kitchen to get spoons, spoons for every mouth! Inside, she faced a second labyrinth: an ocean of tarp that bit at her, obstructing her from the silverware drawer.
A few years ago, I had a dream where I was under attack in this poet’s house. It’s a big house, red brick, gorgeous really. Out of nowhere, an older writer strolls in drinking a beer. Nothing else happened. The attack stopped. I was safe. Later, I told her about my dream. This was years ago. She told me she was a recovering alcoholic. I was so embarrassed, I don’t even remember how I reacted.
I can’t tell you how many short stories I’ve read that end with “and then he/she/it wakes up.” It’s the lamest kind of trick.
Which is why I found Inception potentially very interesting but in the end quite disappointing.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S3XzUYd6nrU&feature=related
July 17th, 2010 / 12:46 pm