Rauan — Ready to Help

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[  this is the 1st installment of my “Dear Rauan” advice column. special thanks to Kim Gek Lin Short for reminding me that I can and should “help people”  ]

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So, anyways, without further ado, here’s Sue, from the Midwest:

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“it helps with side effects”

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       And, so–

  Rauan responds:

Dear Sue,

1) First of all, Sue, there’s no such thing as Global Warming. Don’t you watch Fox News?

2) If these guys are all so horny why are their dicks warm and flaccid?

it’s not complicated

3) I dreamed the other night, Sue, that Hiromi Ito came to my party but then turned into Marie Calloway who turned into Marie Howe. She looked at me (Howe/Calloway/Ito) with her soft-doe eyes and said: “this better be good, Rauan, because I’m going to write all about it.”

4) How can I answer your question without knowing what you look like? (your breasts, your ass, your mouth– God Damn It, this global warming’s killing me!)

a global perspective

5) I once dreamed I was sitting on a toilet in the middle of a bookstore and two girls came in chatting about Tiger Woods and I got a moderate-sized hard-on. I tried to hide it. But then I was just, like, “what-the-fuck.” And the girls took their time, browsing, and chatting. And I just sat there.

Hot — Really Hot

6) Are you able to masturbate, vigorously, to Cloud Atlas? (if you can do that you won’t send me any more of these dumb-ass questions)

7) This isn’t Jereme Dean, is it?

glad I could help,
Rauan