I MUST BEAT TAO!

This is not the Carles Tao Lin but some other Tao Lin. Or maybe this is Carles.

Seattle’s alt-weekly, The Stranger has a yearly fundraiser called Strangercrombie. It’s an auction. People bid on prize packages. The prize packages are weird. This year, for example, one of the prize packages is a driving tour of Seattle music landmarks with Long Winters’ frontman John Roderick.

The Stranger books editor asked if I would participate. I said sure. He asked what sort of writerly service I could provide. I said I would be happy to spend an hour with the winner of whatever writerly package I was a part of discussing the proper use of white space in a piece of fiction. And then I said I would also be happy to tell the person why they shouldn’t write a story in the second person.

My contribution to this charity prize package—which is called “The DIY MFA, Semester Two” and includes Maria Semple and James Morrow offering advice on one of your stories and a graduation dinner with Ryan Boudinot—is listed on auction website as: “…a beer or two with Matthew Simmons…” Pressed for space, they have summarized my contribution. This is okay. I have some observations, though.

Observation #1: it’s going to be at least two. Probably three or four.

Observation #2: another way to “win” a beer or two with me is to walk up to me on the street and say, “hey, want to get a beer?” This will be successful frequently.

Observation #3: I maybe have a problem.

I also have some annotations.

Annotation #1: I will talk to you about white space. I really will. Even over a beer or two. I will bring prepared notes. I will bring a couple of photocopied stories.

Annotation #2: I will bring a small pile of books along, too. For you. You can keep them. They will be books that have helped me be a better writer. They may also be books by HTML Giant contributors and readers, if any of you HTML Giant contributors and readers would like to donate some books. Drop me a line.

Annotation #3: Tao is also a part of the auction. He is offering a lovely prize package. Right now, the prize package that I am a part of is beating Tao’s by $4.

I MUST BEAT TAO! BID, PEOPLE! BID! I MUST BEAT TAO!

Tags: carles, the stranger

32 Comments

1. December 9th, 2009 / 9:46 pm Shya—

   Observation #2 is why I love you.

2. December 9th, 2009 / 5:46 pm Shya—

   Observation #2 is why I love you.

3. December 9th, 2009 / 9:51 pm Matthew Simmons—

   Thank you. You may already be a winner!

   Would you like to donate a copy of In This Alone Impulse?

4. December 9th, 2009 / 9:51 pm Matthew Simmons—

   (See how I did that? Are you going to say “no” to a direct, public request like that? Man, I’m a huge asshole.)

5. December 9th, 2009 / 5:51 pm Matthew Simmons—

   Thank you. You may already be a winner!

   Would you like to donate a copy of In This Alone Impulse?

6. December 9th, 2009 / 5:51 pm Matthew Simmons—

   (See how I did that? Are you going to say “no” to a direct, public request like that? Man, I’m a huge asshole.)

7. December 9th, 2009 / 9:52 pm alec niedenthal—

   is observation 3 supposed to link up with observation 2? if so, amazing. i wish i had some money.

8. December 9th, 2009 / 5:52 pm alec niedenthal—

   is observation 3 supposed to link up with observation 2? if so, amazing. i wish i had some money.

9. December 9th, 2009 / 10:02 pm Matthew Simmons—

   Sort of observation 2 (a), I guess.

10. December 9th, 2009 / 6:02 pm Matthew Simmons—

    Sort of observation 2 (a), I guess.

11. December 9th, 2009 / 11:14 pm Paul Constant—

    I had to squeeze 15,000 words into an 11,000-word bag. Cut me a goddamned break, Simmons.

12. December 9th, 2009 / 7:14 pm Paul Constant—

    I had to squeeze 15,000 words into an 11,000-word bag. Cut me a goddamned break, Simmons.

13. December 9th, 2009 / 11:25 pm Matthew Simmons—

    Now, now. I said it was fine.

    I’ll update as they come in. Blake has offered a copy of Scorch Atlas. Amelia Gray is giving a copy of AM/PM. Kevin Sampsell says he can donate a Future Tense title or two. HTML Giant value-added!

14. December 9th, 2009 / 7:25 pm Matthew Simmons—

    Now, now. I said it was fine.

    I’ll update as they come in. Blake has offered a copy of Scorch Atlas. Amelia Gray is giving a copy of AM/PM. Kevin Sampsell says he can donate a Future Tense title or two. HTML Giant value-added!

15. December 9th, 2009 / 11:55 pm Matthew Simmons—

    Hardcover copy of Patrick deWitt’s Ablutions!

16. December 9th, 2009 / 7:55 pm Matthew Simmons—

    Hardcover copy of Patrick deWitt’s Ablutions!

17. December 9th, 2009 / 10:00 pm Tadd Adcox—

    Want to get a beer?

18. December 10th, 2009 / 2:00 am Tadd Adcox—

    Want to get a beer?

19. December 10th, 2009 / 2:54 am Shya—

    I’d totally donate a copy of In This Alone Impulse. Just let me know where to send it, and I’ll do so when I get my contrib copies.

20. December 9th, 2009 / 10:54 pm Shya—

    I’d totally donate a copy of In This Alone Impulse. Just let me know where to send it, and I’ll do so when I get my contrib copies.

21. December 10th, 2009 / 3:15 am Shya—

    Ha, I said contrib copies out of habit. When really, one probably doesn’t “contribute” to one’s own book. Huzzah!

22. December 9th, 2009 / 11:15 pm Shya—

    Ha, I said contrib copies out of habit. When really, one probably doesn’t “contribute” to one’s own book. Huzzah!

23. December 10th, 2009 / 7:27 am Matthew Simmons—

    Almost always.

24. December 10th, 2009 / 3:27 am Matthew Simmons—

    Almost always.

25. December 10th, 2009 / 5:16 pm Matthew Simmons—

    In This Alone Impulse and THREE books (Easter Rabbit, MLKNG SCKLS, and The Origin of Paranoia as a Heated Mole Suit) from Publishing Genius Press!

26. December 10th, 2009 / 1:16 pm Matthew Simmons—

    In This Alone Impulse and THREE books (Easter Rabbit, MLKNG SCKLS, and The Origin of Paranoia as a Heated Mole Suit) from Publishing Genius Press!

27. December 10th, 2009 / 5:23 pm aaron—

    I like drinking beer with Simmons. I think every time it has happened, I felt like I’d won something.

28. December 10th, 2009 / 1:23 pm aaron—

    I like drinking beer with Simmons. I think every time it has happened, I felt like I’d won something.

29. December 10th, 2009 / 9:37 pm Matthew Simmons—

    Two galleys (Finch and Best American Fantasy) from Portland’s wonderful Underland Press!

30. December 10th, 2009 / 5:37 pm Matthew Simmons—

    Two galleys (Finch and Best American Fantasy) from Portland’s wonderful Underland Press!

31. December 11th, 2009 / 12:08 am Amelia Gray—

    Me too!

32. December 10th, 2009 / 8:08 pm Amelia Gray—

    Me too!