Thank you everyone for entering HTMLGIANT’s Dead Eye Dick contest — such creative takes on Vonnegut’s drawing! Most memorable ones, for me, include Drew’s sunburnt nipple, Jake’s self-inflicted bullet wound, Clapper’s ear hair, cobweb’s entropy of vectors, Chris East’s surrogate swastika, Ben Brooks’ hilarious Sarah Jessica Parker, and Ronnie’s erased web of crosses; all of these are worthy of a prize, and have seriously delighted me — though Ben Blum takes the prize with his brilliant cunnilingus tongue technique, not just for its creativity, but the adroitly executed letter of proud dramatic indignation:

Dearest Marjorie, your repeated usage in letters to me of the words “short” and “powerful” is unnecessary, as these are widely understood to be the essential qualifications of a jockey, and I and half the neighborhood are well aware that that is the profession of the man you have run off with. I have nothing but respect for your decision. But in spite of myself, I think I would like you to know the kind of power growing in your own, abandoned home (although as yet I am no shorter), and it is with this aim in mind that I now dip my tongue in the fatmouthed collectible inkwell your mother bought me last month as consolation for your behavior and show what I can accomplish in one and one quarter seconds, to the benefit of countless women unknown to you:

Congratulations Ben, Dick Eye Dick will be mailed shortly after I receive your mailing address. To everyone who entered, you’ve all made my day. I am only sorry I only have one book to give away. It’s true, life is no way to treat an animal, so let’s all just pet each other, quietly.